to ask my 9 year old to stump up half of his £250 school trip?

[EnidBrighton]

NC for this as it's quite specific. My 9 year old DS came home from school yesterday with a letter for a residential trip at an eyewatering £250. Things are already tight, but I have enough notice to make cuts to absorb it - but it does mean cutting back on some things and life not being as comfortable for a few weeks so that he can go.

I never ever ever went on school residentials because my parents couldn't afford it, and I was bullied for it, because it sucks being the poor kid at the grammar school, and twenty years later it still stings a bit and I still have some resentment about not being able to do DofE etc. So I absolutely do not want DS missing out on this trip, there's no question of him not going.

BUT his attitude and behaviour over the last few weeks and months have absolutely stunk. Rudeness, backchat, lies, tantrums, slamming doors, the works. I toe the line between having fairly strict standards of behaviour, bur being fun and chilled and approachable, and we have had endless 'chats' about rudeness and respect, time outs, taking away electronics, having to 'earn' electronics time, et cetera.

AIBU to use this residential trip as an opportunity to encourage him to think about his behaviour more and be more considerate? Because when he tries, he is the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful kid. But I see less of that and more of the rudeness, lies and temper these days.

So I'm tempted to make him an offer. We have 12 weeks to pay the balance of the trip. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to 'earn' half of the cost - £125 - by doing additional simple household chores, keeping his attitude in check, doing some helpful paid tasks like washing Grandads car, etc. If he earns above the £125, he can take it as spending money or put it in his savings book.

I think it would be a good opportunity for him to learn the value of money (I am still aghast at how much it is) and also a tangible value of good behaviour. I mooted it with my DP this morning and she also thinks it's a good idea.

What are your thoughts? And do you have any suggestions as to how he can 'earn' it?

I think it sounds like a bad idea - too harsh if you're prepared to follow through and ban him from going and totally pointless if you're not.

I would however definitely take him up on the offer of him putting birthday money towards it- absolutely nothing wrong with him contributing and it will help foster a sense of responsibility.

As for the bad behaviour, I think you need to get thinking on consequences for it that he really cares about. I also have a 9yo who can be an absolute stinker and sometimes all you can do is remain consistant.

My DS (9) would take all this to mean he can do a few jobs and behave well for a few weeks till he gets what he wants.
He wouldn't be improving his behaviour because he sees the error of his ways. He would be doing it for the money and I believe behaviour would then decline then improve again once he had his eye on something he wanted and begged to do jobs for it.

@TheInebriati It seems to be stemming from the fact that he's an only child. He has step siblings at his Dads and I think he struggles with his own company because he has brothers and sisters for part of the week. All conversations we have had about it have come back to him wanting me to have another baby, and I'm afraid that's not his decision. And for health reasons, it's probably wise that I don't even think about it. He has plenty of friends, and we have a cacophony of pets, but I know it isn't the same as a sibling.

I personally, wouldn't go with getting him to "pay" for the trip, because you have nothing to come back with if his behaviour doesn't change.

He knows he is still going to go regardless.

However, I would do it for spending money. If you start with a I will give you a tenner for spending money and you these are the things you will have to do to increase the money and have something like a bottle chart, with the maximum he can earn, that way he can see that if he had been rude that day its a couple of quid down on what he could be taking with him

Hopefully that made sense

I'm not sure the trip will be an incentive if you are not prepared to cancel if his behaviour doesn't improve. So I probably wouldn't bother as it will be meaningless. But using something more immediate as a reward that doesn't cost money (time spent doing something that he picks perhaps) might work better. How far in the future is the trip?

Otherwise, if you are having trouble affording it, would the school be able to help in any way (perhaps give you more time to pay for it)?

I think it’s a great idea and very well considered.

As a kid, I wanted a second-hand tent for playing in, it was cheap, from a relative, but my Mum wanted go teach me about savings and work, she made me set aside 50 pence every week to put into a jar to pay for it.

The very simple act of placing my 50p in the jar, seeing it being added to the coins already there and finally reaching the cost price - has set me up well for life saving and managing my money. I know that’s overly simplistic, but it actually worked.

But you said he's going anyway. He will know that, no matter how much you try to hide it, so this is doomed to fail.

I'd try an alternative, or go into it with a genuine alternative that if he doesn't get himself in order, he won't be going.

My daughter recently went on a residential school trip and there was only one child in her class that didn't go. For months it was the central topic of conversation for all of the children. had my daughter not been able to go I think she would have felt socially isolated and differentiated from her friends. It can also be embarrassing to admit that they can't go for financial reasons. This is probably why he is acting up and while it doesn't excuse it understanding a problem can help to deal with it.
Our school arranged for payments to be made in instalments over 6 months and if any family was having difficulty they could approach the school which has a confidential hardship fund to support parents so no child has to miss out.
It may be worth speaking to the school to see if there is support for those who need extra help. I would also suggest speaking to their teacher as the school needs to understand the effects that these things can have on children so they can work out a way to fix the problems.

Hope it gets sorted out

He has plenty of fun @tantrictwist - that's really rude. We ride our bikes together, play in the garden together, go to the park, read books, make things together, play with Lego together, go to the beach/woods/funfair - I do my best to make him happy and make great memories. I feel really sad that you think I'm a bad parent for trying to teach some responsibility. We aren't made of money in this house, sorry, I can't afford to just drop £250 on a school trip and it not require some cooperation.

I don’t think what you are planning will work because you are not prepared for there to be consequences if he doesn’t do what you ask of him. Perhaps you could ask him to do jobs to raise money for his pocket money to take on the trip? That way if he doesn’t do it he can still go but won’t have money to spend while he is there.

He won't know he is still going regardless. I'll hold the line on it until the deadline day and then make a decision. If he has been truly, truly awful, he won't go, but if there have been improvements and he has earned something towards it, I'll pay the difference.

I think you need to drop the wish to be fun and chilled and approachable. I understand that's the relationship you would like to have but it's not working out that way for either of you right now. It sounds like taking away and earning back electronics isn't enough of a consequence and he's not taking the chats seriously.

When he speaks to you like a piece of dirt on his shoe or lies to your face, what happens? Like, immediately in that moment after the words come out of his mouth?

Yes but the day he didnt achieve the goal you set him and you pay for him to go anyway what do you teach him? That he can get away with poor behaviour because you don’t mean what you say.

Having already paid fo4 a year 4 and a year 6 residential, DS got the opportunity to go on a trip with the choir in year 7. It was good value, but still £400 so DS used some of his birthday money to contribute to the trip.

We don’t have behaviour issues to deal with atm.

I think it is a good idea in principle, it helps kids if they have regular and concrete feedback on whatever goal (be more polite etc.) you have agreed with them. With regular positive feedback (even if it is small) you can often influence behavior.

I might think about tweaking it so that it is not directly about money, so that you use abstract "points" (with marks on a board or use marbles or chips in a glass or whatever) where he needs to reach a certain level to go on the trip. Deduct for bad behavior, reward for ok/good behavior.

@bongsuhan I like this idea. I was going to put £1 coins in a jar with a line to the level of where 125 were, but that's a lot of admin!! I like your idea - maybe pompoms in a jar as we can reuse them for craft stuff x

twenty years later it still stings a bit and I still have some resentment about not being able to do DofE etc.

Blimey! My children never went on residential school trips as I was afraid they'd be killed I'm not even joking. I never allowed them go on anything but day trips. They have grown up un-traumatised, independent and self-confident, despite all the dire warnings I was given at the time about how they'd be afraid to go anywhere on their own.

Make him a money thermometer for efforts - so a list of effort (tasks, behaviour etc) and then what that can earn him on his money thermometer. Demerits can be used as well. and he gets to mark it up - its only like a star chart. I would be tempted to carry something on after the trip as well

Oh and a word of warning we had such a trip in yr 6 then a similar thing in yr 7 in the October...... then this yr yr 9 there was a French trip (actually last yr there was a spanish trip but we escaped that) and I think the next thing is a ski trip..... so it won't stop there

I think this is a terrible idea

For whatever reason, he isn't acting that mature right now, or rather perhaps hormones are getting the better of him.

Asking to commit to a programme of behavioural improvement is just not going to work because it relies on him to be more mature and sensible, the very thing he's struggling with right now. He'll do ok for two days, then lose it and be rude to you, and then what?

I think it's better to set more immediate consequences- if you are rude to mum, she won't feel like playing with you later/lose 10 min of game time. Also, rudeness can just be a habit- do you want to have to bribe him to be nice! Just state very boldly- please don't speak to me like that, a warning, and then act in the immediate time-frame any consequence.

This trip is a big deal and to hang it over his head will backfire, especially as you are going to let him go anyway, which I think you should- 9 years old is a common time to feel the child suddenly pull away and be cheeky/rude, that's why the name 'tween' was invented, find other ways to deal with what is really standard if annoying stuff.

It can only work if you're prepared for him not to go and for you to lose the money you've already paid, if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain. If not you'll just make the situation worse.

I'd find a different way to deal with the behaviour, something with consequences you can stick to and enforce them every single time.

The way I do with mine when they want something big is do a chart of chores and have a amount on it for the chore.
If they fight with each other or backchat etc they loose money off the chart. We do it about 3 months before xmas to see who can build up to the most. It does get them doing more jobs like walking the dog more, changing bed.

TBH I'd wonder why he was behaving so badly. Does he have a friend who's encouraging that sort of behaviour? Is he stressed about something?

Nope, the behaviour and the school trip are separate things. Regardless of whether he goes you should be addressing his attitude. But not paying him to be nice! He should be nice because it's kind and polite and the respectful thing to do. Not for financial gain!
I find a complete tech ban makes mine behave more pleasantly after a few days. 9 year olds can be hormonal as fuck and really unpleasant but it will pass.

You might need to separate out your feelings about your past/ childhood as it sounds as though it is leaking into how you approach the school trip funding issue.

The flaw I can see here is that he gets to go anyway, no matter what his behaviour - could easily mean he sees that he can get away with anything and still get the trip! You've said yourself that you don't want him to miss out.

Is there any life event that ties in with the change in behaviour at all? I notice you mention a partner, although it could well just be hormones. I think it's lovely that you will make the trip possible for him, especially if it's going to make things a little more uncomfortable for everyone to do it.

TantricTwist Thu 20-Jun-19 13:32:37
How awful of you getting him to work to earn his School Trip

I thought you were joking until I read the rest of your post