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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my 9 year old to stump up half of his £250 school trip?

82 replies

EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 12:46

NC for this as it's quite specific. My 9 year old DS came home from school yesterday with a letter for a residential trip at an eyewatering £250. Things are already tight, but I have enough notice to make cuts to absorb it - but it does mean cutting back on some things and life not being as comfortable for a few weeks so that he can go.

I never ever ever went on school residentials because my parents couldn't afford it, and I was bullied for it, because it sucks being the poor kid at the grammar school, and twenty years later it still stings a bit and I still have some resentment about not being able to do DofE etc. So I absolutely do not want DS missing out on this trip, there's no question of him not going.

BUT his attitude and behaviour over the last few weeks and months have absolutely stunk. Rudeness, backchat, lies, tantrums, slamming doors, the works. I toe the line between having fairly strict standards of behaviour, bur being fun and chilled and approachable, and we have had endless 'chats' about rudeness and respect, time outs, taking away electronics, having to 'earn' electronics time, et cetera.

AIBU to use this residential trip as an opportunity to encourage him to think about his behaviour more and be more considerate? Because when he tries, he is the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful kid. But I see less of that and more of the rudeness, lies and temper these days.

So I'm tempted to make him an offer. We have 12 weeks to pay the balance of the trip. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to 'earn' half of the cost - £125 - by doing additional simple household chores, keeping his attitude in check, doing some helpful paid tasks like washing Grandads car, etc. If he earns above the £125, he can take it as spending money or put it in his savings book.

I think it would be a good opportunity for him to learn the value of money (I am still aghast at how much it is) and also a tangible value of good behaviour. I mooted it with my DP this morning and she also thinks it's a good idea.

What are your thoughts? And do you have any suggestions as to how he can 'earn' it?

OP posts:
Thadeus · 20/06/2019 12:49

My first thought is what do you do when he stops earning the money and his behaviour gets worse?

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 12:49

I should add that if he falls short of the 'half', I would of course pay the balance of the trip and congratulate/praise him for his contribution to it. I should also clarify I'm not asking him to use his pocket money or birthday money, just to be polite, pick up after himself, and do some odd jobs. So I'll still be paying it anyway, but may ingrain some good habits in him in the process!

OP posts:
BlueJava · 20/06/2019 12:50

I think it's a good plan - but be careful not to back yourself into a corner! So what happens if he doesn't "earn" it - does he miss the whole thing? Personally I would advise that he should go because trips like this and time away from home, out of comfort zone etc can really help... So I like the idea of earning it, but don't put yourself in a position where you have to cancel to "follow through" if he doesn't earn it all.

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 12:51

@thadeus I would hope it wouldn't - he's very single minded sometimes and he is obsessed with going on this trip. I've paid the deposit, so he knows his place is reserved, and I had the idea because he said to me last night 'I know it's a lot of money, I can ask Daddy if I can use my birthday money?' and I thought that was sweet, declined the offer, but it got me thinking that if he is willing to contribute, I could use it as a learning opportunity (and for some peace and quiet from the eternal conflict zone that is our household at the moment)

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 12:51

@bluejava I think we cross posted :)

OP posts:
NannyR · 20/06/2019 12:53

Personally I wouldnt, I feel at 9 he should be polite, picking up after himself and doing odd jobs around the house anyway without having to be monetarily rewarded for it.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2019 12:55

I think he'll get to go regardless of his behaviour. You said yourself that it still stings that you never got to go on school residentials. So only bargain with him if you're sure you will cancel it if he continues acting up.

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 12:58

@NannyR Well so do I. To his credit, he does do odd chores without expecting financial reward. I have a chores chart for the household and small jobs are expected to be done with no reward as part of contributing to the family, like helping with washing, picking up mugs and glasses from around the house etc. Bigger jobs, like vacuuming and cleaning out pets get a bonus on top of pocket money. Pocket money is a set base rate that can be increased by helping with tasks (shredding paper for me, etc). But this is such a huge amount of money it feels like an opportunity to teach him that actually bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded, but working hard and maintaining good relationships can get you things you want.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:00

@justmuddlingalong To be honest any improvement in behaviour would be good. I've tried pretty much everything, I thought having a sustainable, measurable target would give him more incentive than just repeating 'please don't be rude' or 'because I told you so' ad infinitum...

OP posts:
Purplejay · 20/06/2019 13:01

I think £125 is a lot for a 9 yo to try and earn and if you can afford to pay him to do jobs you have the money. I think he is a bit young for the approach you are suggesting. Pay for the trip and deal with the behaviour another way. Oh and enjoy the break while he is away!

AngelicInnocent · 20/06/2019 13:02

How about getting him to earn his money for the summer instead. Easier to say you can't go to a day trip kind of activity than try and make believe that you are prepared to lose the money you have paid for the residential.

Also, he could earn his spending money for the trip.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2019 13:03

So, it feels like an opportunity to teach him that actually bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded, or that a slight improvement, now and again gets you what you want?

AngelicInnocent · 20/06/2019 13:06

I would also stay away from earning by things he should be doing anyway. For example, behaviour or keeping his room tidy and give jobs he doesn't normally do like folding the washing and putting it in the correct room etc.

Things like bad behaviour can cost him though. I would say well you can earn x amount for these jobs but every time I have to tell you off, I will take y amount off.

Bigmango · 20/06/2019 13:08

and what happens when he gets back? It’s not really a long term solution to behavioural issues. And if you’re saying he will go whatever, it’s not really teaching him very much in the short term. I’d look for other ways to connect with him to try and get to the underlying root of his behaviour. It may well be hormonally linked if it has only come about recentl.

Holidaycountdown · 20/06/2019 13:16

Agree with using chores/good behaviour to earn money towards something, but imo not this trip as there will be no consequence for not doing it...from what you’ve said you’re not going to stop him going on the trip if he doesn’t improve are you?

EAIOU · 20/06/2019 13:18

Is there something going on for you to see such a noticable difference in behaviour?

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:23

My gut feeling is that he will rise to the challenge. He wants his behaviour to improve, he just struggles with it, but when I have done smaller versions of this in the past (say, he wanted an expensive computer game or something he didn't quite have enough in his savings book for) it has worked.

For the PP saying 'if I can afford to pay him, I can afford the trip' - I'll have to make cuts somewhere to be able to afford this trip, I did mention that in my initial post, and life will be a little less comfortable for a bit as we are stretched already. I just want to make the discomfort worthwhile for both of us! Me by having some peace and using it as an opportunity to try to break the conflict cycle we are in, and him by getting to go on his residential trip (and hopefully being really proud of himself that HE achieved it)

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:26

@EAIOU No, we've explored all that. Me and his Dad have a fantastic relationship, he sees him very regularly with no letdowns in 9 years. School is brilliant, no bullying (have asked him AND quietly asked teachers) and he is excited to go in every day, literally runs through the gate. His self esteem is fine, hes always banging on about how great he is!! It just seems hormonal/possibly influenced by peers or older cousins who he sees sometimes. And sometimes kids are just a bit tricky. My parents fostered dozens of kids, so I'm quite good at spotting signs of underlying issues as I grew up with every one imaginable. He seems to resent being an only child a bit, and has some frustrations from that, but I'm not popping another one out just to see if it changes anything!!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:28

Also we chat a lot and he talks to me about things that are worrying him, we are very close. I do suspect it's hormonal but I'd like to offer him a way to climb down instead of escalate, and this trip seems like good leverage!

OP posts:
SpeckofStardust · 20/06/2019 13:28

I’m not sure how you think this will work, what is the penalty he’ll pay for not earning the money? You say he’ll be going regardless if he meets the target so where’s his actual incentive to improve his behaviour? I think you need to keep the two things separate. Consequences have to be followed through so keep the trip totally out of it - you’re going to let him go anyway so it’s useless as a carrot/stick.

You need to come up with other small rewards and consequences for good and poor behaviour. Help with chores will earn him a trip to the park or 20 mins extra on console or tablet, ice cream after dinner - acting up will mean no play date or dessert or screen time.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/06/2019 13:29

You're not really teaching him good behaviour gets rewarded IMO. You're teaching him to only behave well if there's something in it for him. That's a slippery slope to set out on.

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:29

@SpeckofStardust 'You need to come up with other small rewards and consequences for good and poor behaviour. Help with chores will earn him a trip to the park or 20 mins extra on console or tablet, ice cream after dinner - acting up will mean no play date or dessert or screen time.' We do this already. It works sometimes and doesn't sometimes. I'm looking for a way to ingrain longterm better habits into him, like consideration and respect, rather than flash in the pan moments of good behaviour.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 20/06/2019 13:29

If this is new behaviour, tell him that you think something is wrong, you have realised he cant talk about it with you, and you will find him someone neutral that he can talk to.
See how he responds.

Original poster
EnidBrighton · 20/06/2019 13:30

@Justmuddlingalong I'm trying to demonstrate that he can't talk to his mother like a piece of dirt on his shoe and THEN in the next breath ask for two hundred and fifty quid to go on a school trip...

OP posts:
TantricTwist · 20/06/2019 13:32

How awful of you getting him to work to earn his School Trip Confused

Sounds like you might have to re-evaluate your attitude to the way you disciple him etc as it sounds like he's really not having much fun around you at home.

He could really do with this trip actually as he will learn how to behave more around other children and having to do what the teachers tell him to, plus he will have fun with other kids, how could you think of denying him that. I feel really sad for him.