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Original poster

Ex wants to get back together. Please advise.

95 replies

hmga90 · 19/06/2019 23:57

Me and ex broke up several weeks ago. I was devastated, and now that I’ve seen him, realised I still am. We were together 4 years, lived together for 2.

After our split he allowed me to stay in his flat assuming I paid the rent. 3 weeks ago he contacted me through his sister (who I am good friends with) saying he couldn’t cope living at home and wanted the flat back but would give me as much time as I needed to move out. Fair enough I thought and moved out within ten days.

So here it comes: we were going through a really bad patch 2 years ago and I ended up cheating on him after a drunken night out in town. Immediately regretted it and went home and told him the truth. We didn’t split up, but I worked as hard as I could to get his trust back.

I had to go to his flat today as I realised I hadn’t changed my shipping address on my Amazon account- his sister is on holiday and it’s a present for a friends birthday tomorrow so had to go today.

Messaged him on Facebook (deleted his number) and he told me to come round this afternoon and did I have five minutes for a chat?

Ended up spending nearly 6 hours there. It has come out he cheated on me twice- but not just that, the girl is pregnant. He insists he’s heartbroken without me and I do genuinely believe that. He wants to get back together

I’m in a dilemma here- on one hand I feel I should forgive him because I did it to him and he forgave me but on the other does it make it twice as bad a) because he knows how it feels and b) there is a baby involved.

It gets stickier- the girl he has got pregnant is a known drug addict, heavy drinker and a general psychopath so post DNA ex has said he will be fighting for custody- and I don’t know if I could get dragged into a drama with this girl who a friend has told me “will fucking kill me” if she finds out me and ex have got back together because she has it set in her mind that they are together despite ex insisting they are not and even having to call the police on her because she keeps turning up at his work (fortunately doesn’t know where he is lives and it’s a gated block of flats and ex knows the majority of the neighbours who will never let her near him or me fortunately)

I have no idea what to do. I still love him so very much but I don’t deal with stress well.

OP posts:
GraceSlicksRabbit · 20/06/2019 00:01

He repeatedly shagged a known drug addict, drinker and psycho while you were together?
Find yourself some self respect for God’s sake woman and move on.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/06/2019 00:03

I would give it some time. Take a step back and see what happens with the baby and how you feel about it.

MitziK · 20/06/2019 00:06

Are you certain he want to get back together - or could it be that he wants this child to have a handy replacement mother waiting in the wings to nurse the poor thing through opioid withdrawal help him gain residence?

TowelNumber42 · 20/06/2019 00:08

I would not go anywhere near that relationship again.

Rough patches, both cheating, you when drunk, him with a druggie. Bloody nora. This relationship isn't a keeper.

He had unprotected sex with a drug addict. Did he then have unprotected sex with you? Have you had the full range of STD checks yet? God knows what she's given you via him.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/06/2019 00:09

I'd run so fast away from this shit show I reckon I'd burn the soles of my shoes through the sheer speed I'd be running at.

awesmum · 20/06/2019 00:19

Change your Amazon shipping address. Block him on FB, WhatsApp, whatever. Say best of luck. Feel really sad for a while. Then thank your lucky stars you didn't go back to the lying cheat.

ElizaPancakes · 20/06/2019 00:36

You can ‘forgive’ him and still not get back together. I think you would be mad to consider it.

Nearlythere1 · 20/06/2019 00:58

I'm sorry but you are mental to even consider it. You'll be chucking your life away playing step mum to a baby with a druggie psychopath mother. Hell no.

annabelle1992 · 20/06/2019 01:02

I really think you should step away from this. He cheated on you twice and didn't tell you, whereas you in that position were honest up front. I understand what it's like when you love someone though and get that it will be hard to block him about, but please give yourself some breathing space away from this and I think that in time you will see the light.

annabelle1992 · 20/06/2019 01:03

(And thats without mentioning the drug addict ex who he cheated on you with... now that is a situation you wouldn't want to touch with a barge pole)

Mumsymumphy · 20/06/2019 01:05

Run for the hills and don't look back.

pokepoke · 20/06/2019 01:08

No definitely not. You said you realised you still missed him upon seeing him again - we'll stay as far away as you can as you have both cheated on each other and now a baby and a psycho druggie are involved.

Although I don't think you've said why you finally broke up, the trust has surely gone after hearing that news and the relationship will never be the same, especially if children are involved. I'd be wary of his intentions as well - I bet the pregnancy news and the psycho turning up at his work has obviously shocked him and may be the impetus to wanting to restart things.

Stay broken up and you'll look back fondly at this moment for having made the right choice in a year or so.

annabelle1992 · 20/06/2019 01:09

Yup agree, seriously dodged a bullet there!

Motoko · 20/06/2019 01:57

Agree with all the others. Stay away from him. My first thought when you mentioned him going for custody, was you'll be the one who ends up doing all the childcare.

Plus, he cheated on you, not once, but twice, and didn't tell you, so it doesn't compare to you cheating on him. Anyway, if you've both cheated, it just shows that you're not right for each other.

So, those 2 reasons alone are enough reason to end things for good, but then you add that the woman he slept with, and got pregnant, is a junkie psycho. He's had unprotected sex with her, so you need to be getting down to the sexual health clinic asap, because not only could she have passed on STDs, she could also have passed on Hepatitis, and/or HIV.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 20/06/2019 02:03

If you’ve both cheated on each other neither of you could have been that happy in the relationship. This is going to get extremely messy and stressful r.e. the baby, you would be dodging a bullet to step away now.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 20/06/2019 02:17

It seems he has treated this woman very badly.

Even if she wasn't pregnant, why would you want to be with someone who is so eager to sexually exploit a very vulnerable woman. If he has had sex with her on numerous occasions I can see why she thinks they are in a relationship. To call the police on her then try to steal her child are the actions of an exceptionally nasty man.

IAmNotAWitch · 20/06/2019 02:29

Don't be stupid.

Nancydrawn · 20/06/2019 02:31

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, OP?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/06/2019 03:01

"the girl he has got pregnant is a known drug addict, heavy drinker and a general psychopath"
I presume that means that he knew all this about her? Hmm. And he still decided to stick his penis in her? Hmm. Classy of him. How drugged up/drunk was she likely to have been when he stuck his penis in her? Twice?

Yes, I know that all sounds really harsh. But - that is what it boils down to, isn't it? He had unprotected sex with a vulnerable woman. That's a pretty shitty thing to do, a pretty shitty way to treat her. You might be trying to write her of as a psycho, but the reality is that she is vulnerable and known to be vulnerable and he took advantage of that.

"I ended up cheating on him after a drunken night out in town. Immediately regretted it and went home and told him the truth. We didn’t split up, but I worked as hard as I could to get his trust back."
I'm wondering what this hard work entailed. I'm guessing that it changed the dynamic of your relationship, where he got to be the boss of you, and you got to be racked with guilt and eager to please Sad. "He insists he’s heartbroken without me and I do genuinely believe that." Well, if your relationship dynamic was how I suspect it was, yes he will be missing his compliant little doormat. Especially if he does as he says he is going to do. Someone's going to have to put in the childcare, and I don't think it's going to be him.

I don't think very highly of your ex. This is an utter shitshow, and it is a shitshow of his own making. Step back and let him get on with it. Beglad that he's your ex and not your current. Do not get sucked in.

Graphista · 20/06/2019 03:13

Another saying you'd be completely irrational to get back with this guy.

You both cheated which means your relationship was never that great anyway.

He cheated in such a way that makes him potentially a rapist, certainly someone who took advantage of a very vulnerable woman, didn't tell you until it could possibly be turned to his advantage and he had nothing to lose, risked your sexual health potentially your life!

Now he is talking about wrenching a child from its vulnerable mother, potentially using you to present a facade of a "stable home life" and quite possibly hoping you'd do the bulk of the parenting of a vulnerable, distressed, possibly addicted baby.

He didn't even really approach you, it was by chance you contacted him.

Ohhhhhhhh no

Absolutely terrible idea!

What you DO is

Cut him off completely

Get a thorough sti screening

Get therapy to process all this.

RasberryRoyale · 20/06/2019 06:37

This guy is not a catch. If it’s stressful now imagine how stressed you will be in a year with this woman making your life very unpleasant potentially and a baby in the centre of it.

And I agree, it sounds like he treated this woman very badly. If she is all the things you say, it didn’t deter your ex from having sex with her twice did it?

Get yourself tested for STI’s, and walk away and don’t look back.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/06/2019 06:51

Walk away..... no, run.

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2019 06:58

He wants you to look after the baby.

You can agree to go back with him, but don't live there. You'll soon see that's what he wants. You to care for the child.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 20/06/2019 07:02

Absolutely no fucking way should you get back with him. What you should do is block him completely from your life and get yourself to a clinic to get tested.

katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 07:08

Stickier is the understatement of the year.