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Original poster

Ex wants to get back together. Please advise.

95 replies

hmga90 · 19/06/2019 23:57

Me and ex broke up several weeks ago. I was devastated, and now that I’ve seen him, realised I still am. We were together 4 years, lived together for 2.

After our split he allowed me to stay in his flat assuming I paid the rent. 3 weeks ago he contacted me through his sister (who I am good friends with) saying he couldn’t cope living at home and wanted the flat back but would give me as much time as I needed to move out. Fair enough I thought and moved out within ten days.

So here it comes: we were going through a really bad patch 2 years ago and I ended up cheating on him after a drunken night out in town. Immediately regretted it and went home and told him the truth. We didn’t split up, but I worked as hard as I could to get his trust back.

I had to go to his flat today as I realised I hadn’t changed my shipping address on my Amazon account- his sister is on holiday and it’s a present for a friends birthday tomorrow so had to go today.

Messaged him on Facebook (deleted his number) and he told me to come round this afternoon and did I have five minutes for a chat?

Ended up spending nearly 6 hours there. It has come out he cheated on me twice- but not just that, the girl is pregnant. He insists he’s heartbroken without me and I do genuinely believe that. He wants to get back together

I’m in a dilemma here- on one hand I feel I should forgive him because I did it to him and he forgave me but on the other does it make it twice as bad a) because he knows how it feels and b) there is a baby involved.

It gets stickier- the girl he has got pregnant is a known drug addict, heavy drinker and a general psychopath so post DNA ex has said he will be fighting for custody- and I don’t know if I could get dragged into a drama with this girl who a friend has told me “will fucking kill me” if she finds out me and ex have got back together because she has it set in her mind that they are together despite ex insisting they are not and even having to call the police on her because she keeps turning up at his work (fortunately doesn’t know where he is lives and it’s a gated block of flats and ex knows the majority of the neighbours who will never let her near him or me fortunately)

I have no idea what to do. I still love him so very much but I don’t deal with stress well.

OP posts:
IhaveALooBrush · 20/06/2019 07:11

Walk away.

VivienneHolt · 20/06/2019 07:12

Christ no, OP. Do not do this.

People don’t cheat in happy relationships, which means both of you had issues with it. That’s only going to get worse now that he has had a baby with someone else.

Cut your losses - someone you are more suited to is out there

WonkoTheSane42 · 20/06/2019 07:15

Run a mile.

tealady20 · 20/06/2019 07:16

THIS IS NOT LOVE. He's looking to you to hold his hand through a difficult situation as he has no one else. Trust me. He's only using you for moral support as he's f**ked up. You will always have drama while with him. You are now free to set up your life a fresh with some one with no baggage or drama and who will respect you enough not to use you when the going gets tough. Cut contact wish him all the best.
Move on. This is not love.

ThatsUnusual · 20/06/2019 07:23

Jeeze, no.

Your relationship is over. He's got another woman pregnant. Do you really want to deal with:

  1. a man you can't trust
  2. a step child conceived during your relationship
  3. a clearly damaged mother of that step child
  4. being used as childcare
  5. never coming first

Wish him the best of luck, and get yourself to a sexual health clinic for every test known to man.

helpmum2003 · 20/06/2019 07:24

No don't.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2019 07:26

Run for the hills!

Waveysnail · 20/06/2019 07:30

Walk away. He has only told you because she is pregnant and you would find out. He was a coward not telling you straight away and.is only telling you now because of the baby so he cant hide it. Start fresh and move on.

Candace19 · 20/06/2019 07:32

No, no, no, no, no, no. Nopeity nope.
Move on.

Babooshkar · 20/06/2019 07:40

If ‘love’ can’t stop you both cheating then ‘love’ won’t make all of these new problems easier to manage.

He’s fucked his life up and wants to drag you down with him.

Don’t be a sucker!

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 20/06/2019 07:48

You both fucked it up when you cheated. Regardless of pregnant drug addicts.

So this will never work.

I suspect you drama lamas will get back together and bring as much strife as you can to the poor child's life because you both clearly love drama.

cccameron · 20/06/2019 07:53

You need to get tested for HIV and Hepatitis B and C then move on from this shitstorm

CloserIAm2Fine · 20/06/2019 07:54

Run away. This will only ever end disasterously.

Wittsendargh · 20/06/2019 07:58

This will get VERY messy. If she is a known drug user, SS will already have been informed by the midwife on an impending birth. With no father on the scene, decision will be being made behind closed doors about plans for the baby, the mother isn't likely to be informed at this stage so she doesn't fall off the radar.

If there is no definitive father on the scene, the baby is likely to be placed into care. Getting that baby out will be incredibly difficult. DNA will take time, and even then SS aren't obliged to hand the baby over. They will scrutinise every part of your ex's life, after all he did decide to sleep with a drug user. They will look at his finances, his home, his job, his ability to look after this child. If you and him get back together, you will form part of these investigations as they need to be confident the baby will be taken care of. Who will quit work, for example? Who will provide childcare?

And after all of that, what if you split later in life? What if you fall pregnant with someone new and when the midwife asks "have you had any previous SS involvement?" (Because the do!!), what will you say?

This all has serious long term implications and I fear he is using you as a hand hold and as back up for SS. Run, and don't ever look back.

ShatnersWig · 20/06/2019 08:02

Oh COME ON! You need to ask?

A rough patch two years in and you cheated. At some point he cheated. You split up, he's chosen the worst person in the world to shag and get pregnant with.

You'd be a moron not to walk away. Sorry, but if you "loved him very much" you wouldn't have cheated two years in.

The pair of you need to sort yourselves out and keep away from each other. Otherwise you'll be on the Jeremy Kyle Replacement Show

codemonkey · 20/06/2019 08:02

This is totally the start of something beautiful. Seriously, it's too romantic for mills and boon.

Unfinishedkitchen · 20/06/2019 08:02
  1. Go to the clinic today.
  2. Change your amazon account address.
  3. Wish him luck.
  4. Run and don’t look back.
PregnantSea · 20/06/2019 08:10

Take a big step back. Continue living alone and being single for now. See what happens with this baby. If after the baby is born and the dust has settled you still want to get back together then that would be the time.

Right now it's all up the air and you don't know if he means what he's saying. His head will be all over the place and as PPs have suggested he could just be looking for a convenient baby mummy, or some old familiarity and comfort.

For now just stay away and look after yourself. This isn't your drama.

ShatnersWig · 20/06/2019 08:15

OP please re-read your thread of four weeks ago and read how you describe how he treats you (although there you were together on and off for 6 years rather than 4):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3579701-To-ask-for-your-positive-break-up-stories-when-you-don-t-want-to-let-go

Stop being a mug.

Pinkmouse6 · 20/06/2019 08:25

‘I have no idea what to do’

How is this even a dilemma?! I just don’t understand how this guy is a catch. He cheated on you and got the girl pregnant ffs. Leave this situation well alone, for your own dignity.

Treaclesweet · 20/06/2019 08:30

I'd bet my bottom dollar it was more than twice. Please go to clinic and get tested then never speak to this man again.

mummmy2017 · 20/06/2019 08:37

You will be doing child care.
Night feeds, dirty nappies
Maybe he earns more so you can become a stay at home mum .
Then it will be you can't afford your own child.
Oh and while your caring for his child he cheated on you.

The house is his, so you get nothing, when the baby goes to school and you split.

Five years free labour...

missbattenburg · 20/06/2019 08:45

Move. Change your name. Go into hiding. Never look back.

He is a twat. He will cheat again. Your life with him will be filled with misery.

Choose happiness. Walk away.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/06/2019 08:51

Clean break from the drama

dustarr73 · 20/06/2019 08:58

Convenient how he wants to get back together when he wants custody of the baby.Is the baby even his,he would have to get a dna test.

You have both cheated so you are as bad as each other.But to me,you have no kids and are apart a while now.Whats the point of going backwards.

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