I Would NOT Ask For Serious Advice On MN, Would You?

[RachelElizabethZane]

Hi,

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps I am not. I would however love to know your thoughts.

I've been a user here for quite some time, of course I do also use the name changing option as often as I wish. Throughout my time here I have commented on many threads and tried my best to offer advice to the best of my ability. Today however is the first time I am creating a thread of my own and it's because of this issue that is bugging me.

When I joined MN, I had heard a lot of negative but decided it cannot be that bad as people make it out to be. I've browsed probably hundreds of threads now and I have come to realise that I personally would not ask for serious advice here.

My personal reason for this is that I have observed that many people do not give impartial, sincere advice. I feel so many users encourage separation over trivial issues, they push for people to go no contact with friends and family over pathetic reasons. There's this overwhelming feeling that they enjoy the turmoil and despair, they want to cause drama and consistently bug the OP to act now, or belittle them, ask for updates etc. I find it sickening.

Furthermore, I see so many women here who put men down, who demonstrate severe double standards. There's so many that make excuses for poor behaviour by women, but say the nastiest things about men. I just find that under those circumstances, how are you fit to honestly offer someone impartial advice when they may desperately need it?

I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts and I sincerely hope I do see more interaction with genuine kind people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Definitely wouldn’t ask for medical advice on Aibu, you have to be minutes from death to warrant even considering A&E. Dangerous. Remember the lady who couldn’t move form her bed and posters were telling her that if she could post on mumsnet she wasn’t that bad and not to waste A&E time. She had sepsis didnt she?

I wouldn’t ask for medical or legal advice but I think the advice on relationships is generally pretty sound.

I might have agreed with you a few months ago, but I have benefited from the most amazing support and advice on here since last December concerning a personal situation.

The advice I received was/is IMO even better than any expert advice I have had off the forum (and I have had plenty of that too).

I think as long as you give the full picture, and keep coming back to clarify points so that people can really see what's going on, then the advice on mumsnet is absolutely second-to-none.

I have had 3 long-running threads on here about my marriage.

You could say that posters on mn encouraged me to leave my husband because he got into a sulk one weekend so encouraged separation over trivial issues

It turns out that the posters were absolutely right, I was in an abusive relationship and had been glossing over it for years. My H has a serious underlying pathology which has since been revealed.

Mners spotted this from my posts because I was honest and answered their questions truthfully.

I was also on the end of some harsh words when I wavered but they were absolutely necessary. Noone pushed me for action "now" and everyone was very respectful of the fact that decisions about a 20 year marriage do not happen in real time on a thread.

MN is still here for me now, when my life has become unexpectedly (but not that unexpectedly for some very astute posters) nightmarish and can honestly say I couldn't have left my husband without the help of MN and it is the best decision I have made in my life.

What sort of trivial issues do you think posters advise people to separate over? I've only seen posters advising people to leave when they are being treated badly.

For some issues, marriage ones particularly, I don't think you can really get everything down in one post for people to give a considered view - they are also only getting your side of the story. What you say can easily be misconstrued and threads can go off on a tangent sometimes, not always focusing on the point of the OP.

And then of course you have to filter out the intentionally goady replies, the insincere people, those who aren't really who they say they are etc.

I'm sure there are many cases though of people receiving good advice that has impacted positively on their lives. Not sure I'd put a serious issue on here though for all to dissect!

@Mascarponeandwine My goodness, I have not seen that thread but how awful if people were telling her that. I completely agree with you though, I wouldn't ask for medical advice on here at all.

@SleepyGuineaPig Honestly, you really think it's sound? Most of the relationship advice I have seen is awful. It's almost as though people think they're reading an episode of EastEnders and encourage the OP to make matters worse for themselves. Very rarely have I seen good advice given about relationships, or even friendships for that matter. I think people want more drama in AIBU than offer any genuine help or advice.

I wouldn’t ask for legal or medical advice but apart from that I think it can be helpful. IME people only ever follow other people’s advice if it happens to be what they deep down need or want to do anyway. I don’t think reading a long list of LTBs is going to push someone who wants to stay into leaving.

MN is useful because people are brutally honest in a way they aren’t IRL. You may agree or disagree with that people say but you are exposed to a very broad range of attitudes and opinions that can be very enlightening.

I have asked for and been given some very useful advice and support. Sometimes I have asked a question and found my head being given a very firm wobble.

@Peeltheseal I completely know what you mean! I think people are so eager to discredit someone by nitpicking, or they want to act as though they are superior and make judgement on food choices without knowing any full information. This is the sort of thing that really is awful to see, as some people I believe really do seek genuine help on here.

I have posted twice looking for advice under a different name. Both times I was very worried and upset about a situation in my family and i was given some good advice and a lot of support. I posted in relationships not aibu, which admittedly can be a bit of a bun fight. So while there are people on here who are nasty, they are far outnumbered by kind thoughtful people, just like in real life. Re your point about putting men down, the vast majority of posters on here are female, so if it's a bit biased against males at times, so what, there are plenty of internet sites that are men friendly. Yabu.

I absolutely agree op, i could’ve written this thread myself ( but not so articulately). There is very little compassion to anyone expressing a feeling to a genuine issue, where considered advice is requested , Little thought seems to go into answers and a vigilante approach appears too often, especially when it involves a male. I’m often saddened at the responses on the site and sometimes doubt the intentions of the respondents.

I had some really good advice on here fairly recently about educational options for one of my children. The advice was bang on and saved me a lot of stress. I think it’s partly to do with how you start a thread. If you give the relevant details as a pp said and aren’t sensationalist or weird in my experience you tend to get pretty good responses.

I’ve also started threads that have had no response at all, and on one occasion posting about a really serious situation got accused of being a troll. I don’t blame MN for that though, humans are unpredictable and not always nice (or right) (including me)

This type of thread comes up every so often and MNHQ have even said it themselves: Not everyone on the internet is who they say they are etc etc. So proceed with caution, or something to that effect.

That aside, I do think a lot of people are drama-hawks but it is what it is. I once received advice from a specialist in my field. It was more of a general discussion but the points they made resulted in me changing my course of action and getting the result I wanted.

I think it would say much more about a person that uncritically followed the advice of internet strangers than the internet strangers themselves for dishing out 'dangerous' advice.

I would, even for medical advice.

I wouldn't follow them to the letter, but advice can be good to think about, and a good starting point of something to explore.

It takes around 3 weeks to get an appointment with a GP. Even if you have a very serious problem needing more urgent care, being given a list of what it could be, and what will happen is helpful.

So I would never follow blindly any advice on here, but I would definitively ask.

Pretty sure it's on MN that I read to put your baby in front of open window in case of a bad bout of croup. I checked, then tried it. It really worked. If the advice had been to give some weird medication, I would have checked with GP or chemist first.

@jamaisjedors Oh I am SO happy for you. Thank you, this is why I started this thread. I am so pleased you were able to get help and that you are in a better situation. The fact you were completely honest must have helped as those who truly are on here to offer advice where possible would have given you their best with all the facts of your situation.

I am really pleased to hear this site continues to benefit you, and I sincerely hope it continues to do so. Thank you for sharing

It always strikes me as a bit odd at either end of the spectrum. Some issues are so important, personal or situation specific that asking strangers on the internet will never be the best course of action. Similarly, some of the questions asked on here are absolute non-issues but which the OP are, for whatever reason, unable to sort out on their own.

What can be dangerous is the amount of posters pretending to be a leading expert in their field. I am no expert, but I have seen some example from my field. The advice was absolute nonsense, and a complete lie.

The ones I find hard are the people who have to go one better or turn the thread onto themselves - for example "my mother is an utterly terrible person and I'm feeling really sad this Mother's Day" is inevitably followed either by "you must make up immediately, you only get one mother you know" or "my mother died 5 years ago and I'd give anything to have another Mother's Day" type posts

Mumsnet, like the curates egg, good in parts. I have seen excellent advice backed up with links to websites when families have been in an awful situation of one kind or another. How many of us know the help that is out there until we suddenly finding ourselves needing it urgently. Some people do, their help is invaluable. We get legal, medical people on here who give sound advice.

We get odd folk who behave like the red queen, off with his head when a posters partner does something which imo. is pretty innocuous, but perhaps I am too tolerant.

I think having honest opinion about a serious issue can be useful too. You shouldn't take it blindly, but AIBU posters will write what even your friends won't say to your face. AIBU posters are wrong half the time, but the other half can have good points.

I wouldn't post for advice full stop. I've seen a few recent threads that have been picked up by journalists. It concerns me that nothing is sacred anymore, and you need to be prepared for your dirty laundry to become total public property!

Regular fantastic advice on the education boards, especially wrt school admission and appeals.

@Deadringer I'm not asking for a site to be male friendly, that's not my point at all. Yes this site is catered for women in the majority but many of us have male partners and if advice is needed, you would not want it from people who put men down at everything. You have to be impartial and equal in some aspects as that is the way you can really offer someone good advice. As mentioned in my opening post, there's a huge double standard witnessed on here often and I do hope it changes as it would help more get better advice and help without personal agendas.

Thank you for taking time to post.

@RachelElizabethZane - Those of us who have been in abusive relationships can spot the red flags more easily.

Those of us who have separated from toxic family/friends can recognise when someone is toxic.

Sometimes when a person hasn't been through these experiences, they don't understand. People have asked me, how could you cut your parent out of your life? They cannot believe or conceive that a parent would do something to warrant it. Those are the people with loving families.

Some people have never been in these situations and so the advice can seem drastic or OTT.

That's not to say that the advice is always correct or that all posters have the measure of a situation.

Personally I've had good advice here.