I Would NOT Ask For Serious Advice On MN, Would You?

[RachelElizabethZane]

Hi,

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps I am not. I would however love to know your thoughts.

I've been a user here for quite some time, of course I do also use the name changing option as often as I wish. Throughout my time here I have commented on many threads and tried my best to offer advice to the best of my ability. Today however is the first time I am creating a thread of my own and it's because of this issue that is bugging me.

When I joined MN, I had heard a lot of negative but decided it cannot be that bad as people make it out to be. I've browsed probably hundreds of threads now and I have come to realise that I personally would not ask for serious advice here.

My personal reason for this is that I have observed that many people do not give impartial, sincere advice. I feel so many users encourage separation over trivial issues, they push for people to go no contact with friends and family over pathetic reasons. There's this overwhelming feeling that they enjoy the turmoil and despair, they want to cause drama and consistently bug the OP to act now, or belittle them, ask for updates etc. I find it sickening.

Furthermore, I see so many women here who put men down, who demonstrate severe double standards. There's so many that make excuses for poor behaviour by women, but say the nastiest things about men. I just find that under those circumstances, how are you fit to honestly offer someone impartial advice when they may desperately need it?

I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts and I sincerely hope I do see more interaction with genuine kind people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

And it's also not to say that one should always cut ties if a relationship has red flags or is toxic.

@allthegoodusernameshavegone (I really love your username, I could have picked it myself, ha!). Thank you for taking the time to post, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has picked up on these traits. I do hope it changes, I see some fantastic posts from men and women on here and I wish more would be considerate and show some empathy oppose to pushing for drama.

I think advice is simply that.

I have had some great advice and threads where I think what I am trying to say gets misinterpreted.

I guess I read and post to see through people with there own agendas , posters who can only see one point big view.

I take it like reading trip advisor sometimes you have w pick through the posters to find the relevant helpful ones ( that isn’t necessarily the same as op opinion)

I kind of agree with you, OP. I do think that posters can often adopt a simplistic binary approach regarding relationships which disproportionately demonises men.

I will do my best to get back to everyone, I'm so sorry I'm rather slow on here. I am reading each reply and I truly appreciate the responses. Thank you for taking your time out to get back to me, it is appreciated.

It helps if you think of it as getting opinions rather than getting advice. Sometimes just hearing different views can give you a bit of perspective and help you to think about things a different way.

peelheseal.yes,very.
op.is this entire mumsnet or...then..how much difference does that make

@EarlGreyOfTwinings Yes, I have seen this too and I find it so dangerous and irresponsible. I've seen so many threads where people have been given wrong legal advice and as someone from the legal field I'm just shocked at the irresponsibility of it if they truly are from the field, or the ignorance of not knowing that someone may truly act upon their wrong advice.

There are naive and vulnerable people out there who may take the advice on board entirely and create issues for themselves. This is why I refrain from offering legal advice as I imagine most of the time you do not get the full story and I could not advise you to the best of my ability in that instance. I would however guide you in the right direction and offer resources.

It depends on the topic and the post. There are a fair number of threads about heavy periods etc where people can get advice from other women who may have had to push to get Drs to take them seriously. The posts can given them the tools to ask the medical profession the right questions. Perhaps they wouldn’t want to discuss the topic with people they know.

On the other hand and I am a lawyer and some of the purported legal experts have me rolling my eyes.

@Starlight456 I like the TripAdvisor analogy, you are absolutely right. I guess I am being sensitive as I find some posts to be truly genuine and when I see people pushing for the drama instead of offering sincere help, it's disheartening. I've seen people also get caught in the hype of a thread where they give live updates of text exchanges and throughout the thread people encourage the OP to say things that will undoubtedly cause further problems and not help them.

X post

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude You and me both regarding the legal advice, I am from the legal field too and what I see people tell others is truly shocking and irresponsible.

@Nubianjewess Absolutely, there's many posts where women make excuses for other women's poor behaviour, yet if a man were to do the same they would be demonised.

Unfortunately if you do point that out in the thread the women then think you're not a feminist, it's just such a strange way to think and truly not what feminism is about.

Great advice here with the odd chaff, much like the rest of life. I do not recognise your description.

Obviously if you go straight to AIBU you are flagging a bun fight but have never yet seen a medical issue not answered with the OP being advised to seek professional medical advice and tbh I think there have been many incidents where a child has got to hospital quicker because the parent has been given the push to make that call.

Legal threads usually contain posts urging the OP to seek proper legal advice.

Same with relationships that are obviously abusive to those experienced in recognising them. People don't tend to post about their problem free happy relationship remember!

As for the man hating feminist trope...I have to ask why it is that anywhere women want to congregate and discuss this tired threadbare saggy old stereotype rears it's ugly head. Do you really think women became mothers by hating all men?

I've been impressed with the advice given to women in abusive relationships and have learnt a lot about Narc's, not something I was familiar with specifically, but recognised vaguely.

I think some posts can be needlessly unkind.

I also think the CF threads are often extraordinary and entertaining.

I think you could come to worse places for advice, it is immediate and you can take it or leave it, for free.

AIBU is a bit Wild West-ish at times though!

Well There Is Nothing Stopping You From Stepping Into A Thread And Sticking Up For Someone OP.
(Man, that was just as annoying to type as it is to read )

I wouldn't have a problem coming to MN for advice. There's a way of ignoring the MRA invaders, the trolls and sheeples who sense a tone and jump on the bandwagon.

Yanno, nobody is forcing you to stay if it's so shit.

I have found good advice regarding educational issues, style and beauty, home decor etc. basically specialised topics...even sex. However I agree with you that posting regarding relationship issues seems to attract posters with very specific boundaries of what is acceptable. I do accept that sometimes DH has a late night out, or forgets to tell me something his DM has told him or disagrees with me over reprimanding the DC. etc. I do similar things that I suspect MN would see as red flags (very untidy, have an occasional extra gin etc.). I see that as a marriage but have seen posters in similar situations being advised to LTB.
I believe most of us realise that anonymous posters can be a bit outrageous with their comments but usually the underlying gist of MN comes from a good place.

I suspect a lot of people post advice that would not follow irl. And of course you have to be careful. I could say I am a 29 year old SAHM from Essex when in fact I am a 63year old Daily Mail journalist from the Outer Hebrides.

I've come across far more posters stamping their feet about "Mumnet harpies always shrieking LTB" than posters actually advising the OP to LTB. Generally, I've only ever seen "LTB" used as a joke, or else in the context of someone saying "Have my first ever LTB, OP" , where the OP's partner has done something eye-poppingly awful like tricking her into eating her pet goldfish.

At the end of the day, replies can only go on the information actually given in the OP, so if the OP writes in a filthy temper with their DP and selects the information that makes him look bad, then replies are going to be skewed. However, I've genuinely learned a lot from certain MN posters about concepts like gaslighting and financial control.

It depends on the advice and how open the poster is on receiving advice.

E.g.1. Posting anything translating to 'husband has a hobby and I'm minority irritated that we've double booked this weekend' on AIBU will get the pile on, LTB, etc. But posting a real issue in relationships will get lots of useful advice generally.
E.g.2. Posting an education dilemma if you're only interested in people telling you you're totally right to go straight to ofsted because the school are awful bullies, probably means you're not going to find what you're after as a lot of posters offering good advice that could resolve the situation would be advising to get the facts first, speak to the relevant people, follow the complaints policy etc, but posting a situation as asking for ways to raise it with the school, what steps you can take to get more information etc will probably get you really useful advice

I think it completely depends on what you want advice on. I have had super-helpful advice in The Litter Tray, which was spot on and reassured me while we had a couple of days before the vet appointment. I am a frequent poster in Style and Beauty where people are very friendly and kind, and I have asked questions about routine medical issues - sinus infection type stuff - in General Health which have had useful replies. I also asked a question on the employment boards about a payroll issue - the replies made me feel confident I had been underpaid, I took my query to HR, and lo and behold, I had been.

On the other hand, I am often surprised how fast some threads escalate from “my husband didn’t put the bin out” to “that’s a huge red flag, you must pack a bag”. I am also often concerned that people are receiving medical advice from posters who mean well but are not necessarily qualified, and could be unintentionally misleading.

Agree with op. Lots of extreme advice that I don't feel people would take in their own lives but enjoy dishing out to strangers in order to feel superior.

There are certain things I wouldn't post about on here

I have been here for about 15 years and it’s changed a lot in that there’s so many more people so it’s harder to see the genuine replies but that doesn’t stop me seeking advice. There has been times i’ve followed it and regretted it as well as times i’ve followed it and it’s changed my life for the better.

ive only been here a few days and ive noticed people are mean for no reason and a lot dont read the original thread properly

ive also noticed if you do things differently from the majority educational or a different parenting style then its wrong ad people just dont under stand and dont get my started on the lack of understanding of SN kids and the advice given for stereotypical kids.if you dont have a child with disabilites they have no idea

I agree with you Z@RachelElizabethZane ... its all LTB

There are always two sides to a story... On here, we only ever see the "woe is me " person ... I try and avoid the a Relationship Topic now (and I'm going through a break up 😬😬)

That said, some of the topics are great, and you can get good advice (the Tack Room, Style and Beauty, Money Matters) Just a bit like life really 😉