I Would NOT Ask For Serious Advice On MN, Would You?

[RachelElizabethZane]

Hi,

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps I am not. I would however love to know your thoughts.

I've been a user here for quite some time, of course I do also use the name changing option as often as I wish. Throughout my time here I have commented on many threads and tried my best to offer advice to the best of my ability. Today however is the first time I am creating a thread of my own and it's because of this issue that is bugging me.

When I joined MN, I had heard a lot of negative but decided it cannot be that bad as people make it out to be. I've browsed probably hundreds of threads now and I have come to realise that I personally would not ask for serious advice here.

My personal reason for this is that I have observed that many people do not give impartial, sincere advice. I feel so many users encourage separation over trivial issues, they push for people to go no contact with friends and family over pathetic reasons. There's this overwhelming feeling that they enjoy the turmoil and despair, they want to cause drama and consistently bug the OP to act now, or belittle them, ask for updates etc. I find it sickening.

Furthermore, I see so many women here who put men down, who demonstrate severe double standards. There's so many that make excuses for poor behaviour by women, but say the nastiest things about men. I just find that under those circumstances, how are you fit to honestly offer someone impartial advice when they may desperately need it?

I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts and I sincerely hope I do see more interaction with genuine kind people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

It's a mixed bag, same as 'real' life advice. I asked for advice when my mil died with no will/lots of debt and people were really helpful. Have also seen some brilliant relationship advice - the experiences of other people can help you view things in ways you'd never previously considered.
So many women are in awful relationships, bring gaslighted or put in truly awful financial situations and MN is really good at getting people to see that what they are experiencing isn't right.
Obviously some posters aren't capable of seeing a situation objectively and can only relate to their own life experiences but you learn to sift through and find what is useful.

Don't underestimate the importance of being able to talk to people at any hour of the day or night, of feeling heard and being able to say everything you think and feel when you might never have articulated your problem even to yourself before posting.

Don't underestimate the importance of being able to talk to people at any hour of the day or night, of feeling heard and being able to say everything you think and feel when you might never have articulated your problem even to yourself before posting.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds You have written that so beautifully. I think your words will be very helpful to anyone who reads them. Thank you, you have actually made me think more about my view. Thank you once again.

Don't underestimate the importance of being able to talk to people at any hour of the day or night, of feeling heard and being able to say everything you think and feel when you might never have articulated your problem even to yourself before posting.

I do see this as a big benefit to this (having been around way before you could get 'advice' on SM)

Sometimes you can see this happening even within a single post; whee the act of writing it down helps them see it more clearly. It might be the same in a journal but that is harder and there is no feedback (for better; for worse)

Often it can be seen over the course of a few posts, so that even if they don't leave at that point they may either start to demand respect - which sometimes very occasionally works, or it puts them a few steps ahead so that it only takes 1/2/3 more incidences rather that 6/7/8.

I only joined recently, I usually only post if I have something different to offer, no-one has yet answered or some opinion based on my parenting or nursing experience. To me though it's always 'an opinion' 'a potential insight' or 'this is what worked for me'. I try to never assume that what worked for me will work for someone else - it's just a place to start.

I haven't read all the thread yet but I do think MN HAS changed.
When I joined 14 years or so ago (under a different registration) the site was a LOT smaller , I recognised almost every regular posters name and you felt like you 'knew' people and some of their life's and circumstances.

I've had some brilliant help and advice over the years.

I think part of the problem is now that the site is so big and so transient and the media use it often as page fillers.
Over a decade ago Mumsnet got me out of a difficult situation with good advice, put women escaping domestic violence in an hotel, went to a ladies house who's husband had died to help her and her kids and attended weddings as witnesses. Some of that is still there now but the site is so huge it's harder to find. I also feel a lot more people come to be goady because of MN reputation...

Three years ago at 2 in the morning I had a call from my DD who was in a Mexican police cell with no money and no papers. Her cunt of a boyfriend had ripped up her passport in a drunken rage and bailed himself out leaving her there. MumsNet saved our sanity and gave excellent advice on how I could help her from the UK. I don't know what I would have done without the hand holds I had.

I do agree that at times posters can lack empathy and there are a few who don't believe issues because they have never encountered them. They are also a handful who I imagine wanking away while they write snarky comments under heart breaking stories. Often there are cunt on threads and 9 times out of 10 it's not the OP.
Talking of cunts the abusive boyfriend died of a drug related heart attack 2 years ago. I was delighted.

I do find the man hating a bit much sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if no one on Mumsnet even likes their husband, never mind loves them lol. I have often felt like some users are just hoping for people's happy marriages to turn to shit because misery loves company.

But as others have said it's a mixed bag. You get some people with these extreme views but then there are others who are very reasonable and compassionate. A bit like in real life. So overall I'd say it's still a useful source because you're getting a variety of view points.

It's a mixture. Not everyone has to give advice in the same way you do. And if I ask maybe a need a handhold but maybe I need to be told to woman up. I can pick the response that works for me.

I much prefer the no nonsense style to the saccharine.

No I wouldn’t post for advice or opinions. There are some very good people who offer sensible and kind advice. But far too many with agendas and a need to feed their own prejudices. Even on the relationship board. Unfortunately the trolls do give these people with stories that they want to hear. That confirms their views and skews their perspectives. I have seen it to be very damaging to someone in RL going through a tough time. It took a lot of effort from RL friends to get her back into a healthy place after a few forays on here and heavy dosages of bad and impractical advice.

The bottom line is that you could never give pps enough balanced information about your life to get good relationship advice.

Yes, practical parenting tips are useful but not unique to the site. For money and legal there are better boards.

@fourquenelles I think I recall your thread.

Those are the occasions when NN is fabulous.

I really started posting when I lost my DC the love and support got me through a really dark time