I Would NOT Ask For Serious Advice On MN, Would You?

[RachelElizabethZane]

Hi,

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps I am not. I would however love to know your thoughts.

I've been a user here for quite some time, of course I do also use the name changing option as often as I wish. Throughout my time here I have commented on many threads and tried my best to offer advice to the best of my ability. Today however is the first time I am creating a thread of my own and it's because of this issue that is bugging me.

When I joined MN, I had heard a lot of negative but decided it cannot be that bad as people make it out to be. I've browsed probably hundreds of threads now and I have come to realise that I personally would not ask for serious advice here.

My personal reason for this is that I have observed that many people do not give impartial, sincere advice. I feel so many users encourage separation over trivial issues, they push for people to go no contact with friends and family over pathetic reasons. There's this overwhelming feeling that they enjoy the turmoil and despair, they want to cause drama and consistently bug the OP to act now, or belittle them, ask for updates etc. I find it sickening.

Furthermore, I see so many women here who put men down, who demonstrate severe double standards. There's so many that make excuses for poor behaviour by women, but say the nastiest things about men. I just find that under those circumstances, how are you fit to honestly offer someone impartial advice when they may desperately need it?

I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts and I sincerely hope I do see more interaction with genuine kind people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

I kind of agree with you OP. I once started a thread because i was worried about my DC hitting milestones pfb i went in to detail about me being a first time mum feeling anxious, and a complete and utter jobby decided to correct my spelling mistake instead. That's it. No advice, not even go see your HV. I still get the rage over it now

But yes, some posters i think like to suggest something ridiculous that they probably wouldn't do in real life "My DH left the toilet seat Up and i sat on his Pee" someone will always reply "I wouldn't have married someone like that anyway so i would leave him" but this is the deal you get with forums i suppose, its quite easy to weed out the bullshitters wanting some drama.

YABU I would. It's no newsflash that people don't give impartial advice.
I disagree that people encourage separation or NC for trivial reasons, that's not what I see on MN.

I wonder if there's a link to the thread where someone has been encouraged to leave their husband for not putting the bin out?

People don't have to take the advice. A wide range of opinions can be useful, and strangers can be more honest than even friends sometimes.

Are you a man OP?

Some of the legal advice is very good.

There's a number of lawyers who post on the legal threads who spend a great deal of time and effort giving outstanding advice on a range of matters.

You do have to watch those who claim to be "in the legal field" which I always suspect translates as "my DH did a law degree".

Style and beauty, relationships and education all have more good than bad imo.

There were paragraphs

Not to derail the conversation but I keep seeing the abbreviation CF here on Mumsnet. What does it mean? I thought it meant, child free but that doesn't fit.

CF = CHEEKY FUCKER!

I have had (and read) superb advice on MN. The SN and Education boards in particular have been invaluable; the MN community is incredibly lucky to have some seriously knowledgeable people active on those boards.

I know what you mean about the frothing that goes on in AIBU et al though. Can't say MN would be my first port of call for relationship problems!

Some advice I've read on here has been very good and thoughtful and given with compassion.

Some advice just isn't!

I wouldn't want to post asking for serious advice because I wouldn't want to be told to "grow up" about something that is clearly bothering me. That would be enough to tip me over the edge if I'm feeling bad enough.

I asked for people's thoughts recently on a sticky work situation. I thought I had worked through all the possibilities previously and didn't seriously expect anything useful. However, there were aspects of the issue that I had never questioned and the responses made me realise that I needed to do so, and the advice was really valuable. It really helped me to come to a decision and see a way through, and I felt much better for it.

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to respond to me, it's interesting to see the responses. I am honestly really happy to hear positive stories about those that have had help from here.

I am going to get back to people as best as possible, I do appreciate the feedback and discussion.

@Cinammoncake No, I am not a man. I'm not sure why you would ask but then again I could be a 70 year old woman with 15 cats.

Would I look for advice? No
Would I seek opinions? Yes

Sometimes the situation is pretty clear cut but when a person is emotionally involved and especially if it is a new situation that has suddenly arisen it's far from clear cut.

On the other hand some people see 'a red flag' and immediately extrapolate to their own or to a worse case situation.

If someone is really not ready to separate they won't take advice however sincere and well meant and I hate it when people then start victim blaming and complaining that the OP must be stupid if they are not taking the advice - which in my view is basically treating them with as little respect as the 'perpetuator' they are slagging off.

There are some tests bit there are lots of sensible, kind people.

Also the volume and range are fantastic; you can get 50 people's opinions in minutes and see where they fall, if 80% fall in the same area - you know there's a very good chance you should be taking that advice.

*twats

Placemarking

@freshasthebrightbluesky You have really hit home with me, the grow up responses can be awful. Just as you have mentioned, it could tip someone over the edge. There are many who like to "troll hunt" even though this is discouraged by MN who also like to nitpick at a person's story, they have this belief that just because it has not happened to them it can not happen to someone else.

I think this is why I am sensitive when it comes to offering advice, if I cannot be of use to a thread, I just do not post as I like to be aware that my words can have consequences.

I do agree with you there are some posters who I often see in certain parts of the site who are truly kind and if I could mention them all I would. With that, there are some who I see often in AIBU who truly do post to put others down which I find distasteful and horrible.

MN has been the only place where I have received insightful and supportive advice re my SN dd- has been invaluable.

I've been on here for over a decade but never seem to see the threads where people are encouraged to leave their dh's over a failure to put out the bin- otoh I am frequently shocked to see the genuine levels of unpleasantness that women put up with and are encouraged to put up with.

I hate it when people then start victim blaming and complaining that the OP must be stupid if they are not taking the advice - which in my view is basically treating them with as little respect as the 'perpetuator' they are slagging off.

@Hecateh Thank you, this is what I tried to highlight in my original post. The belittling of people if they do not listen to what is being said can really be disgusting. Another reason why I personally would be cautious to ask advice on certain things.

@corythatwas Thank you for your feedback, I'm happy to hear that. I think the education board is really helpful, I often see so many kind and informative posts there. That's a board I would definitely use when my little one is of age.

@Moralitym1n1 That's a good way to look at it, and I certainly do agree about some sensible people and well some, twats, ha.

@InsertFunnyUsername Unfortunately, I saw something similar earlier today where a poster had misspelled a word and all focus was on that word oppose to what the real issue was.

I'm sorry you had that experience, please don't let it bother you, we all make mistakes online, belittling someone says far more about the person doing it than the person they are doing it too.

No, I am not a man. I'm not sure why you would ask

Because I wondered if you were a man

but then again I could be a 70 year old woman with 15 cats.

@OldSpeclkledHen Completely agree with you there. I'm sorry to hear about your break up, I hope better things come your way and that you do have a good support system around you. I wish you all the best. Remember, break ups are never easy, be kind and patient with yourself.

@Cinammoncake Well, I am not. I hope that helps clarify. I can see my sarcasm also did not sit well with you.

I don't think I have ever seen a poster told to "grow up".

I have certainly seen posters ready to "tip over the edge" as you put it helped back from the brink and hand held until real life help is in place.

There is the odd contribution on relationship boards where the immersion of domestic abuse is not clearly understood and any unhelpful "just leave" comments are generally fended off with explanations about how difficult a place that is to get to for a victim with entrenched thinking.

There is a lot of education going on, that happens in response to debate and here is much healthier debate than any other general topic online forum I have seen.

I think YABU. I have been given some very sound advice under different usernames - there are some incredibly intuitive, intelligent posters on here, moreso than I’ve seen on any other chat site / social media.

Of course some of the advice is daft but I think if you’re even relatively smart it’s easy enough to weed out the goady/cruel/thick comments and take what you need from the rest.