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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell bride to be her fiancé is a bisexual cheat.

106 replies

xiomaraV · 17/06/2019 17:31

Ex friends.

Would you tell the bride that her fiancé is bisexual and not only that, he cheats on her at any given opportunity. Is a sex pest. Constantly messages other women and men. From friendly chat to pictures of his penis.

He has done this to numerous people including myself, and had bragged about sleeping with another woman. He's also messed around with men.

Do I tell the bride before she marries him? I've always thought I wouldn't get involved especially after our friendship fell apart. But now it's closer to the wedding I feel like she should know.

OP posts:
BadLad · 17/06/2019 23:46

She may already know these things!

I don't know what I expected the first reply on this to be, but it wasn't that.

daisyboocantoo · 18/06/2019 00:26

I would definitely want to know, but not right before the wedding.

I think giving the bride some notice to digest everything is honorable.

Totur · 18/06/2019 00:33

Twice in my life I've told girls and twice I've been vilified and attacked in response. I would never do it again. I'm keeping my nose well out from now on. You'll get no thanks WHATSOEVER for telling her, but she will bad-mouth you.

0DimSumMum0 · 18/06/2019 00:43

I think she probably knows, he sounds like a bit of a snake to be honest. You're not telling me he's like this to so many men and women and she doesn't know. She's probably just preferring to stick her head in the sand. To be fair though you are an ex friend so in a way have nothing to loose from telling her.

IGottaSeeJane · 18/06/2019 00:47

You will be walking into a storm of shit and I wouldn't do it for anything. Whatever the outcome, you'll get no thanks from anybody.

Lizzie48 · 18/06/2019 00:49

I wouldn't be too sure she does know tbh. Men like this are often also very good liars and able to cover their tracks. Then everyone assumes the wife/GF must know and so in the end no one tells her, thus adding to her humiliation when she does find out.

So I think she should be told, though whether she should be told by you is another matter entirely. I agree with one PP, who suggested you tell one of her close friends.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 18/06/2019 07:51

I'd want to know and I wouldn't care who it was who told me.

BeanBag7 · 18/06/2019 08:03

I would send her the evidence, anonymously if you can.

Like a "here is some information, it's up to you what to do with it" rather than a bug rant about how he's a pervert and all your friends hate him. Keep it factual. It will be harder for him to deny.

SandyY2K · 18/06/2019 08:08

I would want to know if it was me. I wouldn't care who told me, as long as they had proof.

Lougle · 18/06/2019 08:31

I think sexuality does matter here! If she is marrying this man in the belief that he is monogamous and heterosexual, she has the right to know that he is not monogamous and has had sexual relationships with men.

If he had an attraction to men but had not acted on it and had no intention to, that's a bit different. But they are marrying each other and the intention of marriage is to form a life-long partnership.

sunshinesupermum · 18/06/2019 12:44

Lizzie48 'Men like this are often also very good liars and able to cover their tracks. Then everyone assumes the wife/GF must know and so in the end no one tells her, thus adding to her humiliation when she does find out.'

This is what happened to me. Why did no-one tell me my ex was gay when so many realised it long before me? He ended up having a SIX YEAR affair with another man and I had no idea at all.

Please OP tell the woman before she marries this guy. Then it's up to her whether she sticks with him or not.

sunshinesupermum · 18/06/2019 12:44

Lougle Yes.

RedKite89 · 18/06/2019 13:30

@Lougle I’m little confused by your conflation of cheating and bisexuality as with PPs..so do you assume everyone you meet is a heterosexual? And if you started a relationship with a man you’d feel entitled to a disclosure if they’d had past relationships with men? Why?

It seems like you think it’d be an issue to find out someone had had past same-sex relationships as opposed to straight relationships? Why is it different?

steppemum · 18/06/2019 13:49

RedKite - I find your posts interesting, because you suggest that you would not tell your partner about your past life.

When I met dh, and we realised we were serious and planning to marry, we did exchange our life history. dh knows about my previous serious relationships. Not every fling, but certainly those who were serious. They are part of my life story.

So, yes, if I was about to marry someone, and something pretty key about who they are was unknown to me, I would want to know. I would be really taken aback that they hadn't told me.

It isn't really the bi-sexual bit, it is the keeping something from the other person.
If I discovered he had had a serious girlfriend of 2 years and had never told me, I would think that was weird. So, if someone is bi, then I am assuming smoe of those previous past relationships will be with men, and therefore it would be weird that you didn't know.

I find it odd that you would get as far as marrying someone and not know this about them

WomanLikeMeLM · 18/06/2019 13:52

Are you telling her out of spite because it appears that way too me?
Surely you knew he was doing all of this to her whilst you were all still friends? Why did you not tell her then?

Purpletigers · 18/06/2019 13:55

Tell her !

steppemum · 18/06/2019 14:00

WomanLikeMeLM - read the thread, all those questions have been asked and answered

Okeycokey1 · 18/06/2019 14:04

I’ve read similar posts before about telling someone they’ve been cheated on before a wedding and usually say “stay well out of it”. But this sounds different- this man does not sound very nice at all - he’s been harassing you and other people

That said, if he’s that bad I’m surprised that she is not already at least somewhat aware of what he is like.

RedKite89 · 18/06/2019 14:26

@steppemum in all my serious relationships the person has already known I’m bi before we got together, and I’d never have dated anyone I didn’t already know to be progressive, so it’s not a position I’ve been in, but I can absolutely see why someone would be reticent to tell their partner for fear of their reaction. You only need to look at the myths being perpetuated on this thread by many posters to see why - bisexuals are greedy, likely to cheat, actually secretly gay etc. I don’t think many of the heterosexuals commenting have any idea how much discrimination is still out there even while perpetuating it themselves, and it’s disheartening.

steppemum · 18/06/2019 14:40

RedKite - I totally get that, and appreciate that by coming out you would be putting yourslef in a vulnerable position.

But the part I don't get is, if you are going to marry this person, surely they of all people should understand you. if they don't, if they are prejudiced and discriminate, then why would you want to be with them? Wouldn't you then spend your whole life being afriad that you would get outed in some way and that you relationship would fall apart?

and actually, mostly on this thread what I have seen is the dislike of his behaviour, regardless of who with, and dislike of his cheating.

Lougle · 18/06/2019 15:54

@RedKite89 I'm not conflating anything. If someone was approaching me for a heterosexual relationship, I would assume that they were heterosexual unless they told me otherwise, because it is more common to be heterosexual than bisexual it homosexual (or at least, for sociological purists, it is more common for people to recognise themselves as heterosexual than bisexual or homosexual, whether or not the actual number of homosexual or bisexual people is higher).

As a PP said, I would expect any partner to be transparent about past relationships, and it would matter to me (personally) if they had had relationship with someone the same sex, especially if that relationship was sexual and penetrative.

I don't think that people of any sexual orientation are more inclined to cheat, lie or anything else, but if someone represented themselves as heterosexual when in fact they were bisexual or homosexual, I would consider that, at the very least, a lie by omission.

sunshinesupermum · 18/06/2019 16:20

Couldn't agree more Lougle

cake7pn · 18/06/2019 16:32

OP I think you are right to tell your friend/ex-friend. You wouldn't be the bigger person but ignoring it. She may react badly against you but you know you are saving her x years of her life. The only situation I likely wouldn't tell in is if it was people in my professional life (I've been in this situation several times unfortunately)

Rhootintootinboo · 18/06/2019 17:44

If you have evidence then perhaps you should. I would want to know. Absolutely. But being able to back up with irrefutable proof will save her years of anguish about who was telling the truth.

RedKite89 · 18/06/2019 18:17

Lougle sorry to hear you’d be bothered if a partner had had sex with the same gender in the past. What an outdated worldview to have in 2019. Happy Pride Month, I hope it brings you experiences and conversations that transform your ideals, or at least some mandatory workplace diversity training

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