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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH and his ‘Day Off’

126 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 16:54

My DH works hard, 5am starts, 6 days a week. This has been tiring him out recently. He is not on a contact and can be fired without notice at any point. It’s stressful not having any security.
He decided to take today as annual leave to do his hobby with a friend away from our home. The friend flaked and DH is pissed.
We have two very young children. DH decided he isn’t helping today at all as it’s his ‘day off’. He wouldn’t help this morning with breakfast & dressing and has spent the day in the kitchen on his hobby. He is also in college tonight for this hobby so I’ll be doing bedtime alone.

AIBU to think I’m married to a selfish prick? I don’t get any days off in life. How can he be in the same house and not help?

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 17/06/2019 23:52

YANBU. If you are in the house with young kids, you do need to help with meal times if you are awake. It's not like you live on thin air and don't eat.

If OP had wanted him to spend quality time entertaining the kids, that would have been a different matter. Half hour out of a day for eating and helping at breakfast is nothing.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 18/06/2019 00:16

We’re back to the Schrondinger’s childcare argument.

If providing childcare/ doing bedtime/ caring for a child with extensive disabilities and a newborn (plus doing all of the cooking/ housework) is arduous, then it is unreasonable to expect the OP to be doing this work every waking hour.

If it isn’t arduous work, then it should be no bother for the WOH parent to pitch in when at home.

You are also entitled to time off OP.

It’s fair enough to suggest that he’d planned to be away for the day so you shouldn’t have expected help. By the same token, he expected to be organising his own lunch, so don’t feel guilty about not cooking for him.

billy1966 · 18/06/2019 08:59

OP, you sound like you don't have a minute to yourself and have my full sympathy.

adaline · 18/06/2019 09:03

yes and the OP has two dc including a dc with disability to look after all day herself bar one hour she gets help from a carer.

So one day, she can get up and go out, and leave it all to her DH can't she? He's not said he won't have them all day, it just isn't normally possible because he works six days a week.

He's now had an entire day to himself to do whatever he likes (which is perfectly reasonable) so now it's OP's turn to do the same thing.

QuizzlyBear · 18/06/2019 09:36

Your 'job' OP is being the primary carer for your children and a SAHM. It is bloody hard work!

His job is also very intense by the sound of it, not to mention the mental load of not knowing if you'll have the work next week.

When he takes this day off, you're expecting him to take on some of your load. On Saturday when you go out, you'll get a day (completely) off. It's not as though he's asking you to take time off being a SAHM and do some of 'his' work, is it? If you expect a complete 'day off' for you to meet your friends, isn't it only fair that he gets the same?

anothernotherone · 18/06/2019 09:49

Too many "cool wives" on this thread!

He has a 5am start but he finishes at 2pm, is that right?

I used to do that - your body adjusts and you go to bed at 9pm, it's no different to any other full time job.

In reality any parent who doesn't automatically interact with and put h in with their own children when they are in the house anyway is being an egocentric dick.

Days off / annual leave are days off work, not days off life.

Very few parents with a baby and young child take annual leave during which they don't spend any time with the children.

anothernotherone · 18/06/2019 09:50

*pitch in not put h

anothernotherone · 18/06/2019 09:53

QuizzlyBear do you really believe she'll get the day off completely? Or will she feed and nappy change the baby and help the carer bath her son before she leaves, and do bedtime for one child when she gets home?

Her husband was in the house all day but refused on principle to do any normal parental stuff at all.

anothernotherone · 18/06/2019 09:58

Being a Sahp doesn't mean doing 100% of the parenting 24/7, it means doing 50-60 ish hours per week more solo parenting than the wohp does. So the husband doing one child's bedtime as he usually does is not him doing her job. Shock

waterrat · 18/06/2019 10:02

Wow to be honest I'm fairly harsh generally but I feel for your partner here.

Five am starts six days a week??? He is going to burn out.

Sarahjconnor · 18/06/2019 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IM0GEN · 18/06/2019 10:20

If he’s going to college one night and week and spends an hour a day on his hobby then you need to have the same amount of child free time.

Start taking this. So that’s , what, 10 hours a week?

Don’t wait to find a hobby. Just get out the house and use the time to find a new interest. Join a gym or a book group. Go for a massage.

I don’t care if you have to sit in Costa with a coffee and a magazine. Men like this NEVER listen to words. Action is all that gets through to them.

Chamomileteaplease · 18/06/2019 10:22

Regarding the actual day of yesterday, I imagine your dh was really excited about having the day out doing the music thing with his friend and when that was taken away he still wanted to retain the "day off" as that would have been too much to bear to lose that too.

It is a shame that he was so black and white about it ie not even helping you in the morning even though he was around. Is he normally so rigid about things?

I do feel for him working six days a week but does he understand that you are "working" seven? I really think it's time for him to have both the kids together like you do. It may help your relationship for him to understand that he's not the only knackered one.

GabsAlot · 18/06/2019 10:40

Wheres your night off-he works a standard day jsut earlier-He doesnt do any housework why not

SudowoodoVoodoo · 18/06/2019 10:48

He sounds like an involved parent as well as working hard, and you sound completely exhausted from your relentless caring responsibilities.

You need to be kind to yourselves and to each other. He's cracked the himself bit. You need to do the same.

I suspect that the real issue is that you don't get days off or windows of time to yourself and you do need to chisel some out. Even if it is a 30 minute walk or a coffee and magazine in a cafe. I doubt you can have "time off" at home because you are so programmed to be on call, so you will need to get out to achieve it. You need to permit yourself to do that, and it sounds like DH is well capable of managing his own two children to give you a bit of sanity time.

gumbyprickle · 18/06/2019 11:04

This thread is ridiculous. The man is the 'bread winner' so gets hobby time as well as the ability to refuse to look after his own kids because he felt like it, and does no housework. Op is a carer and gets no time off but is unreasonable. I can't deal with MN at times.

Scorpvenus1 · 18/06/2019 11:27

I do hope you have days off too

GabsAlot · 18/06/2019 12:57

She doesnt that the point scorp

WishIwas19again · 18/06/2019 13:07

My DH and I have the odd night away alone with friends a couple of times a year, it's normal in our circle of friends, assumed most people are the same. We both work but when I was on mat leave the same arrangement stood.

BUT only if it's reciprocated. If it's not then that's not right, but how do you communicate this with him? Do you ever make arrangements to have a day to yourself and how does he accommodate this?

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 18/06/2019 13:27

DH stayed in the kitchen all day until 10 mins before he left for college when he came to play with the kids. He took his day off in full.
We are both exhausted. DS is physically and intellectually disabled, he cannot speak, walk, talk, he is unable to eat or empty his bladder or bowel himself. It’s a full time job for me but I get lots of love back in payment.

I’ve decided not to go for girls lunch on Saturday & I am going to book a hotel break for the 4 of us for the night. I might be mad but I think even getting out of this house will be great for us all. The hotel has a pool, ball pitt for DS, and a spa for me to get a treatment! DH can mind them for an hour I’m sure....

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 18/06/2019 13:32

Does your DS have a social worker ? You need to speak to them about his educational and care needs.

He is entitled to a nursery place and it will take them a long time to find one, so start hassling them now. Can you afford legal advice ? If so, this will be money well spent.

Also talk to social services about respite .

I have been where you are with a very severely disabled child. You will have to fight hard for every scrap of support that you get. If they think you are “ coping “ you will get nothing.

Read the Special needs boards here - these women are amazing and will give you such good advice.

Butterymuffin · 18/06/2019 13:37

Amazing how there's always time for a man to have a fucking hobby, isn't there?

origamiunicorn · 19/06/2019 05:37

He wasn't going to be there anyway until his friend dropped out and presumably you were happy with him not being there for the day. I don't see the problem really, he sounds exhausted.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2019 05:46

I think you should still go out to lunch with your friends, we all need a break sometimes.

Lweji · 19/06/2019 07:29

he sounds exhausted.

He could always drop his hobby and college.

He chooses to drop his wife and disabled child instead.

Imagine him as a sahp caring for the disabled child and his wife having the hobby and studying as well. It was not going to happen, was it?