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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his ‘Day Off’

126 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 16:54

My DH works hard, 5am starts, 6 days a week. This has been tiring him out recently. He is not on a contact and can be fired without notice at any point. It’s stressful not having any security.
He decided to take today as annual leave to do his hobby with a friend away from our home. The friend flaked and DH is pissed.
We have two very young children. DH decided he isn’t helping today at all as it’s his ‘day off’. He wouldn’t help this morning with breakfast & dressing and has spent the day in the kitchen on his hobby. He is also in college tonight for this hobby so I’ll be doing bedtime alone.

AIBU to think I’m married to a selfish prick? I don’t get any days off in life. How can he be in the same house and not help?

OP posts:
brownbeauty · 17/06/2019 19:19

Haven't read all the comments so forgive if I'm repeating
Day off from work means day off from working
If a planned plan falls through and they end up staying home they are still off from work but they are not off from being a partner and parent

StreetwiseHercules · 17/06/2019 19:24

“I didn’t cook him any food today as my mini revenge. Fed the kids of course & grabbed myself a wrap”

Passive aggressive mind games because for once your husband doesn’t do as you want.

I’m sure it would be fine if he treated you like that when you were burnt out and exhausted.

SunnyCoco · 17/06/2019 19:25

He deserves and needs some down time
And so do you

You are both having a stressful time with lots on your plates. Be kind and encourage each others "time off"

ADarkandStormyKnight · 17/06/2019 19:29

It sounds like you are both exhausted - quite understandably with the long hours and caring responsibilities - and you both need a break. He was disappointed about his friend not being available which hasn't helped.

Maybe a wake-up call for you both about how tough this is on you as a couple?

Newyearbollocks · 17/06/2019 19:30

Tbh, I think the question you haven't answered is, do you ever get a day off?
I completely understand and agree with what the PP are saying. However, you haven't said what time he finishes work. 6am starts are early if you are there for, say 10 hours. But if you are finishing at 2, that's a different story.
I think it needs to be said that OP also sounds exhausted and at her wits end, that's why things have got heated. She is looking after a disabled child and baby. That's not an easy job and just as exhausting as being at work from 6am.
The issue here is, do you both get equal time to yourself? If you don't, that needs some major change or you'll both be so burnt out divorce is highly likely. These little blips will turn into huge rows and before you know it, it's a vicious circle.

Also, as a side note, he really needs to find a more secure job. I know it's not easy, but you can not live with that hanging over both your heads.

He enjoys his hobby, I get that! That's great! But hello! You are a person too, what do you like doing?

greenlynx · 17/06/2019 19:34

I had a little bit of understanding until you mentioned they you’ve got one child with additional needs and that your DH spends an hour each day on his hobby plus one evening per week. I think his start at 5 am is irrelevant. Yes, he start his day very early but it’s not exactly such a hard life if he has so much time per week on his hobby. When is your hobby time OP?
By the way I’m talking from experience as we have one child with additional needs. My DH is genuinely curious how someone can have young children including a child with additional needs and a hobby.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/06/2019 19:38

Where's your release OP?

IvyisGreen · 17/06/2019 19:39

Of course he can have a day off. As can you. I think you shouldn’t begrudge him this day. But he should return the favour.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2019 19:48

I'm going to hazard a guess that the OP begrudges him time off because she never gets any.

BackforGood · 17/06/2019 20:26

YABVU.
He works 6 days a week, starting at 5am, and you begrudge him a day off ? Hmm
I know this is MN, but, come on.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 21:10

I guess I do begrudge a full day off, especially as it’s a night that I’ve to do myself too. I could never sit in the same house & not get involved.

I don’t take time out & leave DH with both DC as they are hard to manage (neither walking, talking or any type of independence) if I have a nurse I use the time to have one on one with DD.

DH doesn’t watch tv. When the DC are in bed he will play with his laptop for an hour or so. He also gets a full hour ‘down time’ when he gets home before playing with the kids.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 17/06/2019 21:29

your dh sounds like he gets a fair amount of time to himself- an hour downtime before helping with kids each day, an hour a day on hobby, college in the evening. I would be annoyed in your position that he refused to help with his own dc at any point of the day, its a day off from work, not life, it sounds like you also work really hard, make sure you get to opt out the same way as him.

Catloons · 17/06/2019 21:32

OP, when you said he starts work at 5am, I was thinking he finishes late afternoon, but now I see that he finishes at 2pm.

So are you used to having him at home to help with the kids in the afternoons, but today he took a whole full- day and evening off?

What does he do when he gets home after 2pm? Does he help you with the DC? Or is he “off?”

Catloons · 17/06/2019 21:36

Sorry x post OP.

If he starts work at 5am, when does he wake up - 4am? That is tiring to be honest and I think an hour’s “downtime” is fine in those circumstances.

There’s no reason why you can’t have an hour’s headspace every so often though, Even just to have a bath.

adaline · 17/06/2019 21:42

I don’t take time out & leave DH with both DC as they are hard to manage (neither walking, talking or any type of independence)

Why on earth not? If you're expected to cope, why can't he do the same?

WomanLikeMeLM · 17/06/2019 22:27

I would consider talking to ACAS about his working conditions, think some Employment law may well have been broken here. As for your DH, you have a voice, make it heard or he will continually take the pi&&

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2019 22:30

Has he ever looked after both dc on his own? I'm not talking an hour whilst you're in the house, I mean at least half a day.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2019 22:32

BackforGood - yes and the OP has two dc including a dc with disability to look after all day herself bar one hour she gets help from a carer.

Isatis · 17/06/2019 22:51

It doesn't sound as if you get adequate respite care. Try asking the council to reassess, and maybe get legal advice?

RosaWaiting · 17/06/2019 22:55

Op does he normally get back at 2pm?

If he’s up at 5 and home by 2, it’s the same hours as most of us are working, just earlier.

BackforGood · 17/06/2019 23:04

and the OP has two dc including a dc with disability to look after all day herself bar one hour she gets help from a carer.

...... and the time in the afternoon when she and dh share care..... plus the time when they put one dc each to bed.
I know looking after dc is difficult. Been there, done that, but if I were getting up at - what, 4am?- 6 days a week I'm sure I would need to be catching that up somewhere.
We don't know how old the dc are or what, or how significant the disability is, or if the older dc is at school or Nursery at all, or if family are local / around / supportive, but being a SAHP can be exhausting, but can also give you breaks in the day, or at least flexibility and autonomy.

Butteredghost · 17/06/2019 23:24

Tbh, I think the question you haven't answered is, do you ever get a day off?

But the point is, she can now as the precedent has been set. She hasn't mentioned that he has form for doing this and/or she has asked for the same before and been refused.

OP if I were you I'd be pleased he took a day off and look forward to my own. I'd keep up a good mood on the day and either order take away for dinner or make super simple dinner like beans on toast. Then on your day off (which is only a few days away) I would expect that exact same.

CookieDeal · 17/06/2019 23:36

What does he normally do aside from Mondays when he goes to college after he gets in? Does he share equally in the parenting from 2 pm until bedtime? If so, that's a hugely long day to be having 6 days a week.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 17/06/2019 23:39

From your description it sounds like he is probably exhausted and probably needs some respite in order to continue to maintain that schedule.

If my partner was in this situation, working unsustainable hours and in fear of losing the job at any moment, I'd encourage him to take a bit of 'me' time if only to rest. Because the contribution he makes to the family depends on him being able to function and keep up with this difficult schedule.

A question I'd ask is, are you also totally exhausted? Or do you get more time to sleep/relax during a normal week? If you're pretty much okay, then I'd say YABU to be annoyed with him just for having one day of 'me' time. But if you're also totally exhausted and overworked, and need time to recoup to be able to maintain what you're doing, you are also entitled to 'me' time.

Basically, due to his long hours and 6 working days, this seems more like 'respite' than actual holiday. Sometimes we all need a little respite to maintain our pace.

AuntMarch · 17/06/2019 23:48

He booked the day off to spend on his hobby, and that's what he did.
I'd be a little bit annoyed he couldn't spare some of it for his kids when his friend cancelled but he was likely really fed up on top of exhausted, and I'd not have been expecting his help anyway so not a big issue