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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his ‘Day Off’

126 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 16:54

My DH works hard, 5am starts, 6 days a week. This has been tiring him out recently. He is not on a contact and can be fired without notice at any point. It’s stressful not having any security.
He decided to take today as annual leave to do his hobby with a friend away from our home. The friend flaked and DH is pissed.
We have two very young children. DH decided he isn’t helping today at all as it’s his ‘day off’. He wouldn’t help this morning with breakfast & dressing and has spent the day in the kitchen on his hobby. He is also in college tonight for this hobby so I’ll be doing bedtime alone.

AIBU to think I’m married to a selfish prick? I don’t get any days off in life. How can he be in the same house and not help?

OP posts:
adaline · 17/06/2019 18:20

He could have picked a different day so I would get some time alone to even have a shower

Why can't you have a shower while alone? Or before he left? Or last night?

mrsmuddlepies · 17/06/2019 18:24

Posters who ask about going to a hotel alone for a weekend. Go for it. You are a mother/woman, you deserve it.
A man and father who works 6 days a week as the only bread winner, up at 5am each day is being described as lazy for wanting a day off by so many posters.
Neither request for a day off is unreasonable.
I think you are being unreasonable OP

Bollockwort · 17/06/2019 18:24

5am starts 6 days a week and is normally good with the kids (including bedtime routine)... Personally I wouldn't begrudge him having a day off from his normal day-to-day life.

He clearly felt that he needed a break, and it may have been necessary for him to do so for his mental health. It's really tough being a breadwinner, especially if you know you could be fired at any moment.

If there are wider issues at play (e.g. his job, the number of hours you spend caring for the kids) then focus on those, but to me the actual situation at hand (husband occasionally wants a day off without caring for kids) seems fine to me.

youkiddingme · 17/06/2019 18:27

It sounds like he just really wanted one day off. Sounds ok as long as you get one too some time soon - have you mentioned it?

BlackeyedGruesome · 17/06/2019 18:27

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

and so is he.

I feel sorry for the ppor sod working so hard, and as a consequence you work hard as well as he is home so little.

give him some slack today, and maybe discuss how he could have helped them at breakfast and let you have a shower then buggered off for the day to the shed/hobby. Bet he was really upset with his friend,disappointed and taking it out on you a bit.

PhillipeFellope · 17/06/2019 18:28

It wouldn't be lazy of him to have had a lie in, and then come down and join in and have a slow morning. But op said he's more or less opted out and ignored her and his kids all day, sat in the kitchen on his hobby. That's selfish. Especially if op had asked for assistance, and he's point blank refused because he's "having a day off".

mrsmuddlepies · 17/06/2019 18:32

So PhillipeFellope, what is your reaction to the MN posters who take themselves off to a hotel room so that they don't have to give advice or help with the kids?

BedraggledBlitz · 17/06/2019 18:33

I think it's important to take a break. Good on him. Equally you should get a day to yourself. Why not suggest a regular "me" day for each of you. Recharge the batteries.

Cookit · 17/06/2019 18:33

I actually don’t see the problem.

It’s one day, he’s exhausted.

I’ve taken a day to myself before. Ok it wasn’t 24 hours but most of the day - massage, lunch out on my own etc - this was when I was at breaking point.

ALongHardWinter · 17/06/2019 18:34

Another one of these 'mysterious hobbies that can't be named'. Grin

FancyAPint · 17/06/2019 18:35

Yes definitely go for lunch with your friends, it's good for each of you to have a day or afternoon off. Like someone up thread said a 'mental health day', especially if he is stressed and does those early starts 6 days a week. Everyone deserves a break from routine, does you the world of good.

PhillipeFellope · 17/06/2019 18:36

I think that rarely actually happens to be honest muddle But it's usually suggested when the Mum has had a titfull of a partner doing bare minimum generally and complains when Mum then asks for him to mind the kids/wash up/insert household chore.

SpaceCadet4000 · 17/06/2019 18:37

Him wanting a day off with all that on his plate isn't unreasonable, nor would it be unreasonable for you to take a day off. It sounds like you're a family in a very stressful situation, and you both need to recognise each others need for a break.

But not cooking for him as "revenge" when you normally do the cooking is only going to contribute to conflict and stress and not solve it.

Amummyatlast · 17/06/2019 18:38

I think YABU. I’m the main breadwinner (DH being the SAHD) and sometimes I just want a day to myself. Otherwise it seems like even when I’m not at work, I’m still working because I’m doing childcare (such as bed time) or doing housework. As long as he gives you some time in return I don’t see the problem.

LagunaBubbles · 17/06/2019 18:38

I didn’t cook him any food today as my mini revenge. Fed the kids of course & grabbed myself a wrap

Revenge against what? Burning himself out to bring home the money for the family? Hmm

FizzyGreenWater · 17/06/2019 18:39

I think you need to sit him down and suggest that he re-evaluates what he sees as 'time off'.

Because if he doesn't, he's in for a pretty miserable next 15 years or so really.

Being with your children for breakfast, talking to them while you pour some cereal, maybe having a little joke around... you can choose to see that as a drudge job and hate it, or you can choose to see it as spending time with your kids, who won't be small enough to need you to do this for them for very long. It's all a matter of perspective.

Yes that sounds very irritating Pollyanna but honestly, he needs to cop the fuck on. Working at 5 every morning...you'd like to think you'd be a positive enough person to see that actually, starting your day off with the family for a change and being there for breakfast chat, taking some of the strain of it off your partner so for ONE morning, it's less hectic and maybe even a pleasant snap of time - well, quite a nice half an hour I'd say.

Or you could be the kind of person literally LOOKING for the glass which is half empty.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 18:43

I don’t begrudge him his hobby, he goes to college one night a week and spends at least an hour a day on it.
I was offended this morning when he refused to take a child to get ready even though he was awake & up. He was offended that I asked for help on his day off. So now we’re both pissy.

Usually on Monday’s he gets home around 2pm and will play with the kids to give me an hour he leaves at 6 for college. We’ve a very young baby & disabled DS so days are very full on & exhausting (but lovely too)

For the poster saying I could work and he could be a SAHD - we’ve had that discussion but he doesn’t do ANY housework and I’d have to do it after work and then we’d divorce!

I take both DC to my sisters when I can to let him catch up on college work.

I just didn’t realize that days off for parents existed. I know now Grin

OP posts:
Fluffymullet · 17/06/2019 18:43

I think YABU. Everyone deserves a break and it sounds like he is not bad dad. You deserve a break too, are there any family who could help out?

Those who say you don't get a break from young children- true for some , but others go on holiday for a week and leave the kids with grandparents, so it can be done! I don't have family who help out, but have booked a day of annual leave and put the kids in nursery before now just to try and get on top of things at home.

Hithere12 · 17/06/2019 18:48

6 days a week in a stressful job with 5am starts would physically and mentally kill me ! So I think a day off sounds reasonable

This.

Original poster
Likepebblesonthebeach · 17/06/2019 18:50

His hobby is music production - makes music, writes it, plays on a laptop! I didn’t mention as it’s outing. I encourage his hobby as he’s very good at it & doesn’t drink or party so it’s his release.

We don’t have much help and zero time off together now we have 2 kids. Have monthly nursing allowance for DS but no one to take DD so no date nights here! Also have an hour a day of a Carer in the morning but that’s a 2 man job so I help too with his bathing/toilet care.

OP posts:
Twillow · 17/06/2019 18:56

I think he's earned this one. I do one 5am start a week and it kills me!

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 17/06/2019 19:14

Tbh, if I book a days annual leave for myself, there is not way I get up with the kids, or even collect the kids from school I leave all that to DH who works from home.

I get up 2.5 hours earlier than him 5 days a week, and have 2 hours worth of commuting in the day. Also, due to the nature of our jobs I am the only one that can earn extra money by doing extra shifts and often do. I spend most of my time quite frankly exhausted.

If he expected me to spend a much needed annual leave day that I had booked for myself to help him with stuff he would have been doing anyway, then refused to cook for me as "revenge" I would be wondering just what I had married. Especially if he was moaning about me on the internet calling me a "selfish prick"

It is one day, and the poor bugger sounds exhausted - but yeah, it totally deserves "mini revenge" and a full thread about it!!

Littlekittystops · 17/06/2019 19:14

Yes he deserves a day off absolutely, and so do you!
You are not being unreasonable to expect a break as well.
Make Saturday a whole day and enjoy it.
Do it more regularly and you won’t begrudge him a day off occasionally.

Aaarrgghh · 17/06/2019 19:15

We all need a day off sometimes. We have two children, sometimes I’ve gone out for a whole night, movie at a mates or something and I’ll crash there. I don’t see anything wrong with this and if plans have cancelled or I’m not going out but need some time alone then I can have that time and my partner listens for the kids. I’d do the same for him. As long as you get a day off or time completely to yourself then I don’t think he has done anything wrong. He wasn’t going to be around for the day and you would have been fine so actually having some headspace and being alone even if his plans were cancelled is fine. Like I say, as long as you get time when you need it to.

chipsandgin · 17/06/2019 19:16

Just book a ‘day off’ for you. He can’t say no to that & make sure it’s one out of the house..