MIL lying again

[GlitterDustY]

My MIL tells lies to manipulate people, always has. She pretends people are ill so we’ll travel up to her town (4-5 hour drive) and they’ve only got a cold and a visit could have waited. She pretends someone has asked for a particular expensive gift for Christmas and asks us all to chip in for it only to find they didn’t ask at all, she’s just decided that’s what happening.

These days I get DH to double check what he can with others because I will not be manipulated. (The last straw was being told we were invited to a party, travelled 5 hours and it was obvious we were not expected but the host was too polite to say anything and found us chairs and food. I will never be put in that position again so now we check.)

She’s done it again. Apparently someone is throwing a surprise baby shower for SIL and MIL says we are invited. We have no idea whether this is true. DH never sees his sister and I don’t like her and vice versa, so I’d be surprised if this person (her own SIL) would invite us. I’m surprised a man, DH, has been invited anyway. We can’t check because it’s a surprise apparently, if that part is even true. We don’t know SIL’s ILs.

It’s OK just to ignore MIL and not go isn't it it? We haven’t had an invitation from the host, MIL says it’s just invitation by word of mouth. Quite frankly I don’t believe her. She hates SIL’s ILs and I think she’s just wanting to control who goes. I fully expect that others turn up who are not invited either but her coup de grace would be us because we have to travel so far.

All you need to do is stand up to the mother-in-law, it would be very easy to take her power away from her by just not cooperating

I don’t think SIL’s SIL could have got her number except ask SIl outright for it.

Could she have got it off SIL's husband, who is presumably her brother?

Defo wouldn't travel 5 hours for a baby shower and you don't get on!

Isatis SIL’s SIL is her husband’s sister. SIL’s brother is my DH!

Sorry DMIL, we don’t do baby showers, we’ll wait until the birth

I think a lot of ppl are focusing on the wrong thing here. It's not about it being a baby shower that you wouldn't attend because you don't like the concept...or it being 5 hours away... these are side issues.

The real issue is a MIL who lies about things in order to get DH/you to see her by saying you're invited to an event or to see other ppl...under the guise of serious illness or some other lie.

The issue is her manipulation and the poor relationship your DH has with his sister. If they had a good sibling relationship, she wouldn't have a hope in hell of this kind of manipulation.

Most parents want their DC to have a good relationship... Your DH and SIL... may never have been that close growing up, hence MIL is able to control things.

I read another thread where the MIL would try and control her DS visiting his sister. If she found out he had contacted his sister, she wasn't happy and wanted everything to come through her.

Without sounding harsh OP, your DHs family is dysfunctional and it sounds like MIL is at the centre of that.

To the poster who asked if MIL was lonely, if she is it is it her own doing. She has a husband, family living near (siblings, cousins, adult children, grandchildren, various ILs) and at any one time she has fallen out with half of them. She has a job, but won’t go to any of the work drinks or whatever because she doesn’t like her colleagues, she doesn’t like her neighbours. She doesn’t have friends. In all the years I have known her I have never known her to know or go out with a friend. (“Doesn’t like” in MIL speak means she can’t manipulate them I think.)

My mother fibs. She's always done it but is worse now she's elderly because she has less finesse and hardly bothers to hide her tracks. We, like you with your MIL OP, have learned to take everything she says with a pinch of salt because the likely hood is that it's not quite the truth. It will have been embelished or twisted or is an out and out lie.

It's almost compulsive. Some are pointless - lies about the weather, for example! Some cause minor mishaps and misunderstandings between people and then it's worked out what's happened.

Latest one was telling me i'd been invited round to some friends of hers to introduce my youngest DC. She badgered me to go. Said they were expecting us. They were 'dying to meet DC''. On the morning she said they were expecting us she came with me. When we arrived it was perfectly obvious this arrangement was at best wishful thinking by my mother and at worse a deliberate manipulation of some polite small talk made by them at a garden party a few days ago. We only stayed 10 mins. It was cringe. One member of the couple didn't even manage to come out of the kitchen to say hello! cringe cringe cringe !

Laiste

MIL has also said things to me on the phone like she had been for a walk that morning, and then, after talking for a while, will announce that she’d better go because she’s still in her pyjamas.

So she may be the same, lying whatever she says.

Openly lying to someone's face without even bothering to cover your tracks is very insulting

I agree with the decline but send a present that will arrive after the ''party''. I'd write ''so sorry we couldn't make the shower''.

She might be like ''show.errr/?''

No, YANBU.

I agree with BlueSkiesLies, call her out and be very clear what you're doing.

Maybe buzz her and ask her as if mil is doing it to you then she's doing it to her too... but maybe sit down and write down what you want to say so it doesnt come across like you're being petty 😂

Send a gift and letter apologizing for being unable to attend.

As an aside, are these always downright lies or misunderstandings/miscommunications? How do you know that her intent is malicious?

Unless you’re personally invited from whoever is having the party/shower, do not go. She has no right to invite you along, it’s up to the person throwing the Party.

Sorry, but l can't stand liars and bullshit so l wouldn't put up with this. It's making you and DH look rude and stupid to others. No-one is allowed to do that to me and get away with it.....l can make myself look stupid without any help

See!! I can't even delete properly! stupid

My MIL does this regularly when it suits her.

The most elaborate was when we were all invited to a cousin’s wedding in the US - she did say that our invitation had gone missing but that ‘she’d tell us what was in it’. Yeah, giant red flag missed. But we established that we were in fact invited!

So we spent four thousand on flights and accommodation for two weeks (us and the two kids in the summer holidays), flew over, only to find out that the invitation had very clearly said ‘no children’ at the ceremony and reception.

The cowbag knew that we wouldn’t be spending thousands on a family trip where only two of us could attend the actual wedding. She also knew that there was no childcare (everyone in the family was at the wedding!) so I ended up spending the day and night in the hotel room with the kids while my husband attended on his own.

So 4K, plus outfits for everyone, plus presents, plus a holiday to a destination we had little interest in visiting... All so she could show off her grandkids and her son’s family spirit to her family.

Something similar is happening to me, except it's my mum inviting me, pretending my brother wants me there.
I've decided not to go.
If someone wants me somewhere they'll invite me themselves.

I wouldn’t go - very likely she’s lying. Also if you don’t really get on with SIL would you expect to be invited? If not then I also wouldn’t send a gift afterwards with a note saying couldn’t make it but hope it went well. SIL may see that as a passive aggressive dig for her SIL not inviting you - could cause things to get worse.....

@QuizzlyBear

You're not still in contact with her, surely?

What did your DH say to her at the time?

Why oh why do you tolerate these lies, if that's what they are? Ask her outright when she's been caught out? Is she very sound or stable? Bizarre business.

I believe SIl is pregnant, she put it on FB. I now think she knows about the “surprise” showery because I don’t think SIL’s SIL could have got her number except ask SIl outright for it.

Maybe your MIL told you it was a ‘surprise’ specifically so you wouldn’t contact anyone to find out about it directly yourselves and therefore find out she was lying about you being invited.

She sounds like someone you both need to take a step back from!

Simply don't go.
It's quite easy.
"Sorry, we can't make it. Hope SIL has a lovely shower"
The. End.

Say you’ll attend but don’t go. This way she can’t emotionally blackmail the hosts into inviting you

Do it every time

Stop playing her games and make relations with the relatives - take the control back