MIL lying again

[GlitterDustY]

My MIL tells lies to manipulate people, always has. She pretends people are ill so we’ll travel up to her town (4-5 hour drive) and they’ve only got a cold and a visit could have waited. She pretends someone has asked for a particular expensive gift for Christmas and asks us all to chip in for it only to find they didn’t ask at all, she’s just decided that’s what happening.

These days I get DH to double check what he can with others because I will not be manipulated. (The last straw was being told we were invited to a party, travelled 5 hours and it was obvious we were not expected but the host was too polite to say anything and found us chairs and food. I will never be put in that position again so now we check.)

She’s done it again. Apparently someone is throwing a surprise baby shower for SIL and MIL says we are invited. We have no idea whether this is true. DH never sees his sister and I don’t like her and vice versa, so I’d be surprised if this person (her own SIL) would invite us. I’m surprised a man, DH, has been invited anyway. We can’t check because it’s a surprise apparently, if that part is even true. We don’t know SIL’s ILs.

It’s OK just to ignore MIL and not go isn't it it? We haven’t had an invitation from the host, MIL says it’s just invitation by word of mouth. Quite frankly I don’t believe her. She hates SIL’s ILs and I think she’s just wanting to control who goes. I fully expect that others turn up who are not invited either but her coup de grace would be us because we have to travel so far.

I disagree, passive aggression can be really fun if you do it right 🤭

It’s too long to travel for someone’s baby shower anyway unless it’s someone you really care about, you don’t like SIL so no worries.

Your MIL sounds toxic.

Say you’ll attend but don’t go. This way she can’t emotionally blackmail the hosts into inviting you.

If she can lie, so can you.

Jesus Christ your mother-in-law is hardcore

You don't know the half of it. She used to let herself in then hide stuff in DS room so we'd punish him, and he could "Tell Nana all about it" and she could tell him what shit parents we were and appear like a perfect grandparent. We only found out because we secretly fitted a camera to catch him out ... and that's the less batshit stuff. It's impossible to go any further because no one ever believe it. But the behaviour described like the OP fits her to a "T".

I have MN to thank for finally realising it was part of a wider picture.

I really would be careful trying to mess with someone like that. Rumpelstiltskin and all that ....

It's not a very nice way of going around it, I will agree but is she just trying to get you to visit?

Is she lonely?

I'm wondering why this is such a mother in law thing...ie lying? Mine did it too, told us dsil was buying us a cot for our firstborn. She repeated it every time we went. I thought it was far too much and got dh to ring her to say it wasnt expected....she knew nothing about it.

Another time she told dsil to ring us to find out what time she needed picking up to come to the school play...she hadn't been invited. This went on for years. She lied about an op too. She told us she had been cut open from one end of her torso to the other when in fact it was keyhole and she'd only stayed in one night.

I wouldn't travel 5 hours for the baby shower of someone I dislike even if I was definitely invited let alone if I might be an unexpected and unwanted guest.

IChangedMyNameForThisQ

Oh my Gaia! What did she say when you confronted her? I assume you’re NC now?

@IChangedMyNameForThisQ yours sounds like a very interesting (and alarming) case, I'd like to read your thread if it's still around but appreciate you may not want to link to it for privacy reasons
Do you think your mother-in-law had a mental illness or a personality disorder?

I'd either say I'm going and not turn up or say you already have plans that day.

No need to get into challenging her about her lies. She clearly has issues.

She also told me that my seriously ill husband had agreed to her chosing and buying virtually all my daughters prom outfit. Even though he was seriously ill and didn't know his ar*e from his elbow at that point. And...we'd already bought it.

Ok she is manipulative and a liar...
Her end goal is to get you guys to visit her without having to admit that she misses her son...

The worry would be if she would use manipulation and lies to drive a wedge between you two.. to take her son back to her town..

Does your DP understands her manipulation? Does he fall for it ?

Do you think your mother-in-law had a mental illness or a personality disorder?

at the time, we tried to accommodate the behaviour by thinking it could be - or dementia (which will sound familiar to a lot of MN readers ...)

But with the passage of nearly 6 years NC, it's apparent she is simply a very very very nasty woman.

I don't feel comfortable saying too much in one post - when I mentioned something a while back (different username) someone immediately mentioned that the only time they'd heard of anything that bad was in another post I'd made under a different name. Meaning my MIL really does deserve some award - her batshitness stood out from two different posts with two different usernames.

Anyway, this isn't about me - I just wanted to give the OP a heads up. They might see if there's any other little quirks of behaviour that stack up and prepare themselves. I really can't recommend the "Relationships" board enough for that. I think I owe it my sanity.

Can your DH have a general chat with her?

"Mum, we think you need to see a doctor because you get so muddled with things that we are worried it might be dementia. Think about all the things you get confused about - invitations, presents, people being ill. This is probably a shock for you to hear, but if these things keep happening, we will have to make sure you get properly tested"

Bet that solves it...

Depends on your DP relationship with her is how you can respond to thisz

In essence you definitely shouldn’t let her have her way by going because she is going to keep manipulating to assert her dominance.

But to about it in a way that your DP is able to handle and that doesn’t backfire on you both.

It’s a journey for him. If she is this manipulative she probably has a lot More to her.. and your poor DP had to suffer that all his life.

So see which approach works for him best. Perhaps suggest saying yet then declining last minute. Or saying he is busy. Bla bla

Others watching her behaviour my wonder if she has some cognitive impairment/dementia, she knows this and she will use it as a cover to get away with things and advance her own agenda

I wouldn't go and i certainly wouldn't drive 4-5 hours just for a baby shower.

You know your MIL is lying to stir up more trouble between you and your SIL. Definitely don't go.

@TabbyMumz there are plenty of people in families who are like that. Some people have mothers like that but if it's your own mother you can work out how to avoid her. MILs stand out because they are the mother of your OH and one of your children's grandmothers, so difficult to avoid, so it is harder to say they are nasty as it is easily put down to being jealous when it's nothing of the sort.

S1naidSucks SIL has “no friends” on FB so I presume she has them hidden. I don’t even have SIL’s details but DH has. In ten years we have never been invited to her house (she has stayed with us) because MIL controls everything and holds court at her own house when we visit. (Actually she says SIL’s place is too messy to be seen by visitors so I think she shames SIL into not inviting anyone. I don’t get on with SIL - she is a miniMIL in many ways - but she does have it tough with a mother like MIl.)

Dont go and do something that you and DH want to do instead

Don't go to anything she suggests and keep her at arms length is all I can advise, and call her out on all the times she's lied.
Tell her how embarrassing it was for you the time you weren't expected, and as she's quite confused nowadays with these invitations from family and friends, in future you're best to wait to hear from them.

Would your DH visit or give a decent gift if she didn’t lie? My aunt does this to my cousin brother because he’s a grade a cunt who wouldn’t bother with his family otherwise; and his wife is too caught up in her family to care.

Tell MIL you'll be there then just don't go

Who wants to go to a baby shower 5 hours away - no thanks

Actually a baby shower 5 mins away would be a no from me 😂

As PPs have said, why not just tell her you can't go? Five hours drive for a baby shower? for a SIL you don't like and who doesn't like you? Send a gift to arrive the day after.