MIL lying again

[GlitterDustY]

My MIL tells lies to manipulate people, always has. She pretends people are ill so we’ll travel up to her town (4-5 hour drive) and they’ve only got a cold and a visit could have waited. She pretends someone has asked for a particular expensive gift for Christmas and asks us all to chip in for it only to find they didn’t ask at all, she’s just decided that’s what happening.

These days I get DH to double check what he can with others because I will not be manipulated. (The last straw was being told we were invited to a party, travelled 5 hours and it was obvious we were not expected but the host was too polite to say anything and found us chairs and food. I will never be put in that position again so now we check.)

She’s done it again. Apparently someone is throwing a surprise baby shower for SIL and MIL says we are invited. We have no idea whether this is true. DH never sees his sister and I don’t like her and vice versa, so I’d be surprised if this person (her own SIL) would invite us. I’m surprised a man, DH, has been invited anyway. We can’t check because it’s a surprise apparently, if that part is even true. We don’t know SIL’s ILs.

It’s OK just to ignore MIL and not go isn't it it? We haven’t had an invitation from the host, MIL says it’s just invitation by word of mouth. Quite frankly I don’t believe her. She hates SIL’s ILs and I think she’s just wanting to control who goes. I fully expect that others turn up who are not invited either but her coup de grace would be us because we have to travel so far.

Good grief, what a load of drama your MIL is!

Definitely don't go. I wouldn't bother going to anything that she invites you to tbh, but that's more up to your DH I suppose.

I might be tempted to not go, and if mil asks where you were say you never received a direct invite form the host, so felt a bit weird going on just her word. Surely any host invites directly and then follows up for numbers if no reply?

If you can access your sil’s friend’s list, then you should be able to send her sil a private message. I would say to her that your mil has said that you’re invited to the surprise do, but unfortunately can’t make it, but hope it goes well on the day. Then just sit back. I dare say you’ll be able to hear the fireworks from 5hrs away. 😁

BlueSkiesLies I don’t think DH will do this. He’s a little “oh you know what she’s like” about her. I’ll do it though.

Sindragosan Yep. I think this too now.

Send your DH dressed up as Norman Bates. He can say he thought it was fancy dress. Your MIL will never invite him anywhere again.

I think we might share a MIL. The frantic phone calls that DGM is on deaths door (cold, then sprained ankle), SIL is getting kicked out or is dying (eye infection and a few benefit delays), so I do understand the frustration. You basically need to just think of MIL like a big toddler. Dont take anything she says seriously and dont to tantrums. Its classic narcissist behaviour to so that may be worth keeping in mind if she exhibits other traits.

Decline. My MIL does stuff like this. The immediate family live here but the wider family live a good 4 hour drive away. We have had so many calls telling us we need to go up there urgently because an elderly family member is at deaths door and when we've got there they've been fine.

The last straw was when they called us to tell us a family member had been diagnosed with cancer by the GP (no consultants etc just the family GP ) and had only two weeks to live. I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time, suffering complications with my kidneys, two weeks away from a c section and under consultant care. Apparently my husband should of just 'put me in the car and made me go' as they didn't understand why I didn't want to be that far away from my Doctors, when I was ill and in agony. In the end my husband ended up going by himself and lo and behold! It turned out there was no 'cancer' (no shit), it was a water infection. Never again. We double/triple check any information we are given now and it's almost always exaggerated and designed to make us do what she wants.

Honestly this is so familiar.
We also lived 5 hours from MIL, it was also my fault DH lived so far away (I met him here).

MIL would regularly ring to tell us about some family celebration or event we HAD to attend. We would trudge up and always on the day MIL would be too ill to attend .

It started to backfire on her though. We rushed up a few times and we went to the events and would be gone all day/evening and then she would be pissed we didn’t spend any time with her. Then we would go back home.

There was one event she was ‘desperate’ to go to and couldn’t go unless we took her. We were struggling to fit it in so we had to travel up the night before late. On the day of the event of course ‘she never wanted to go’ we were gone ALL day. There was a big road smash so we’d ended up having dinner out and were out for 14 hours.
Next day we had to leave because DH was leaving the country. She was FURIOUS and DH told her if we hadn’t come up for that we had been planning to come up 2 weeks later and we were going to stay for 5 days. But as we’d just driven the 5 hours each way we weren’t going to bother.

She thought it would make us come more, in fact we went much less. She wouldn’t come to us of course, it was much easier for us to go to her (this including suggested I bring 24 hour old DC to see her).

I’m glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore.

Just bypass her, stop engaging with her

Either you or your dh should say to her “After that embarrassing incident with Fred’s party, we’re not going to anything we’re not directly invited to. Can you get [baby shower organizer] to email me about it?”

You haven't received an invite - don't go.

OP if you or you DH calls your MIL a liar she will use your accusation to increase her victim-hood status and cause more trouble.

Where the event is a surprise and you don't like the person, or you simply don't like the person simply state you are busy that weekend.

If she tries to trick you into saying you are going state you need to check the calendar and you can't access it for some reason e.g. "odd it hasn't updated", "it's offline". Then later say you are busy.

Where the event isn't a surprise and you actually like the person, contact the person yourself to ask them for clarification. However never tell your MIL first that you are contacting the person.

Also you and your DH are allowed to change your plans at the last minute. You are both adults who have your own lives.

If you can't contact the host or have them contact you then I wouldn't go.

Would your husband & SIL get on if it weren't for MIL?

If so, then they need to sort their relationship out themselves!

How horrid and stressful for you to constantly be put in this position.

What on earth does she say when you turn up and it comes out that her story was a complete fabrication? Has your DH ever really called her out on this pattern of lies?

Or you could tell her you’re going and then not go.... that would really piss her off.

I wouldn't even decline formally - because the next step will be (as you say upthread) MIL then going to the SIL side as follows - Actually yes that’s exactly what she’ll do. Tell people we have asked to go and could they please invite us

I'd snooker her completely by making fairly neutral noises that imply you'll be there then just not going. She'll be there smirking, expecting you to turn up and enjoying the anticipation of the 'Oh! It's you!' moment and then.... nothing

Later, furious MIL on phone. You: 'Oh well to be honest MIL after the birthday thing we didn't really believe we'd actually been invited. And as you said we couldn't check we just thought let's give it a miss'

OP,

Keep saying yes but don't turn up to anything she invites you to. Go all passive aggressive and say "oh so sorry, something came up, what a pity" and repeat.

Take control of the situation by going LC and just be busy.

Possibly send him home once in a while to see them but stop letting them take your peace.

Glad for your sake that this manipulative horror of a woman is 5 hours away from you.

If I were you I'd keep it that way.

Having had a skim of the OP and OPs responses, I'd say they have acquired a narcissistic MIL and to be very careful around her (if this thread was in Relationships, plenty would concur).

I immediately recognised some similarities with stunts my MIL used to pull. Which eventually escalated to assault and police involvement.

Personally I'd suggest to be very careful trying to "catch her out". You won't (she'll just do a Trump and deny the evidence).

I appreciate this might all seem drama-llama, but it was only when I started reading of other peoples experiences on MN that I realised how much my MILs behaviour was part of a bigger problem.

Best of luck OP.

I wouldn't ask for the organiser's details as it sounds as though you don't want to go anyway. You could end up shooting yourself in the foot and having to go.

Just do what billy1966 said and go low contact.

assault and police involvement
Jesus Christ your mother-in-law is hardcore 😮😟

Yes, passive resistance. Just amicably agree to everything and just dont go. She'll decide you're far too flakey to bother with eventually.

Nothing good ever comes out of passive aggression.

I wouldn’t go, just pass on your regrets to MIL. I don’t see why it would be strange to invite a man though, one had to be there for the baby to happen.

@Peacocking, I like your style, passive resistance sounds like a good technique😊