Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not tell my militantly vegan friend she ate fish sauce?

705 replies

Snuffalo · 16/06/2019 17:45

I am a relaxed vegan, as are one of my kids, the other kid and my partner are mostly vegetarian. Basically what that means for me is that I would never spend my own money on animal products, and I wouldn't use them in my own cooking, but if someone else prepares food for me or I'm a guest in someone's home I'll eat what's put in front of me, for the most part - I won't have a sausage or a burger at your barbecue, but I'll eat the pasta salad even if has cheese in it, and I'll have some of your birthday cake even if it's made with eggs.

Anyway, my friend Alice- who is a militant, rather than a relaxed, vegan

  • was over and I heated up what I confidently thought to be vegan sweet potato and black bean chilli that my partner had made earlier in the week. I know the recipe backwards and forwards because one of us makes it at least once a month with zero animal products so I had no reason to suspect otherwise. I must say it was especially delicious this time - because, as it turns out, my partner added some fish sauce because he'd read somewhere that it's good in chilli. I didn't find out until today and now I'm wondering if I should tell Alice? I can't decide if, in her shoes, I would want to know or not. Would you?
OP posts:
Dorsetdays · 16/06/2019 21:38

If you’d read my post you’d know I was talking about someone I know who is a strict vegan, lectures everyone around her, yet keeps a houseful of pets...who aren’t all rescue animals.

Slight contradiction

And the vegan society are clear on what they are aiming for, which is a society where no animals are kept as pets because ANY animals kept as such are being exploited. Hence why they also say that they believe assistance dogs should be replaced by people in the future.🤔

furrytoebean · 16/06/2019 21:48

mind

I had leather shoes that I bought before I went vegan that I wore afterwards until they wore out. I think most vegans have a transition period as it would be very costly and pointless to throw away perfectly good shoes.

If you continue to buy them though then you wouldn’t be vegan.

Same with beauty products, I just phased the vegans ones in as I ran out.

I don’t think that makes you less vegan because you aren’t planning on buying anymore and you’ll avoid them in the future.

Jamhandprints · 16/06/2019 22:05

Why would you tell her? It'd be like saying "haha, you ate meat!" Just mean. But I can understand the temptation if she's that militant. But no.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 16/06/2019 22:14

If you're a committed vegan who believes the world would be a better place if everyone was like you, I'd have thought you'd applaud the OP's efforts to get as close as she feels able rather than vilifying her for not being perfect like you

I do feel there is a sect of vegans (not necessarily on this thread but in real life) who can be exceptionally rude to anyone not completely in their club. It's quite disrespectful and nasty sometimes, with very heated terminology similar to rabid pro-lifers etc. I don't think it does them any favours tbh.

I feel the fish/veggie thing. That is annoyingly stupid. Surely you would hope folk would know fish = flesh = animal = not vegetarian by now!

nettie434 · 16/06/2019 22:16

Snuffalo The chilli looks really nice. As somebody said way up thread, lots of people are flexitarian these days. Perhaps there should be a better word for people who adopt plant based diets either exclusively or predominantly, but really, instead of getting advice on whether to tell her friend what happened, the OP gets grief for finding her personal way of combining principles with pragmatism.

Surely it is better to be pleased that OP’s household is giving minimal support to the meat/dairy industry?

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 16/06/2019 22:19

lying People aren't stupid. Not generally.

Tory government selling off the nhs, Love Island all over the media and Brexit - maybe you're giving more credit than is due? Grin

Stompythedinosaur · 16/06/2019 22:22

I wouldn't tell her. It just seems like upsetting her for no reason.

There is something about describing her as militant that seems like you are quite critical of her perspective?

donquixotedelamancha · 16/06/2019 22:33

Even if it was religion - if a Muslim eats non-Halal meat by mistake they've done nothing wrong.

Not really a fair comparison- I think Veganism is a bit stricter than Islam.

there is no such thing as a ‘relaxed vegan’

Can we all at least agree that this is true?

manicinsomniac · 16/06/2019 23:11

I wouldn't tell her

... to not tell my militantly vegan friend she ate fish sauce?
sessell · 16/06/2019 23:32

I shudder to admit I'm an actual vegan when I read all the sanctimony from the vegan police here. I also take the view that it's better not to know OP. Genuine mistake, forget about it.

Bookworm4 · 16/06/2019 23:33

You are either a vegan or not, you’re not. ‘A relaxed vegan’ ffs what next 🙄

Redshoesandtheblues · 16/06/2019 23:53

Im skipped the arguments.

Just pleased to get the recipe!
Smile

TheSerenDipitY · 17/06/2019 02:09

in light of the abuse the op is getting... if men can call themselves women the OP can call herself a relaxed vegan... and i guess seeing as how everything is hate speech these days if you disagree with her then it must be hate speech!!!

and OP no i wouldn't tell her, you will give her a platform to rant about till the end of days, you will never hear the end of it, and neither will anyone else!

Catsinthecupboard · 17/06/2019 03:04

Killing animals for Halal meat is a horrible horrible horrible death. I would NEVER eat meat again if that is all that is accessible.

The animals are subjected to fear, torture and pain. If nothing else, eating flesh with those kinds of chemicals flooding them is not good.

And OP, no. Don't tell her. She's better off not knowing.

And, i think you can be a flexitarian vegetarian. Easily enough. Who is the official vegan police president? Nobody.

Do as you wish and ignore the judgements found here. You're a good, well mannered guest.

Yeahnahmum · 17/06/2019 04:06

A relaxed vegan? ! Wtf. No.
You are a strict vegetarian maybe.
And why on earth would you consider even telling your friend?! Childish I'd say.

mouldyhousemouldylife · 17/06/2019 04:39

@TheSerenDipitY "if men can call themselves women the OP can call herself a relaxed vegan..."

Wow you don't sound thick at all

Dorsetdays · 17/06/2019 06:42

“I think veganism is a bit stricter than Islam”.

Was that actually meant to be a joke? 😳

slipperywhensparticus · 17/06/2019 06:48

I would assume a mostly vegetarian person means they eat mostly vegetarian food

A relaxed vegan seems a contradiction in terms

Belenus · 17/06/2019 06:49

I do feel there is a sect of vegans (not necessarily on this thread but in real life) who can be exceptionally rude to anyone not completely in their club. It's quite disrespectful and nasty sometimes, with very heated terminology similar to rabid pro-lifers etc. I don't think it does them any favours tbh.

I agree there are a few very vocal vegans who are trenchant in their views and because they're loud they are seen as representative. It's the same with most groups of people. However there is nothing to suggest that the OP's friend is like this. The only reason she calls her "militant" is because she tries to stick to her principles all the time instead of being flexible with them. Given that this then aligns her with the trenchant minority of very hard-line vegans it does I think do her a disservice. It also sounds as if the OP thinks she herself is superior in some way because she's a nice, relaxed cuddly vegan who will eat fish if it makes you happy whereas her friend is "militant" because she has said she doesn't eat animal products so she doesn't, whether it makes you happy or not.

I don't think the OP should tell her friend but I do think she should have a rethink about what she serves people. Just because the OP is "relaxed" enough to eat stuff she says she doesn't eat, doesn't mean everyone shares her views. The friend probably thought she was safe eating with her because she also has dietary preferences. Turns out this isn't true. So unless the OP has cooked it and knows for sure what's in it, she shouldn't serve it up without a warning that it might have fish sauce in it. That way her vegan friend can make the choice for herself.

PanteneProV · 17/06/2019 06:50

I wouldn’t now - it presumably would have made her sick by now if it was going to, so there is no benefit in telling her. It would probably only cause upset. I’m a vegetarian and wouldn’t want to know after the fact if I had accidentally eaten meat.

Belenus · 17/06/2019 06:51

I mean the OP's description of her friend as "militant" does her a disservice. I don't think the OP's friend is problematic at all. She's just principled.

Jenasaurus · 17/06/2019 06:58

To be honest your DP gave you fish sauce knowing you and one of your DC are vegan. I know you say your a relaxed vegan but he should have tol you too so you had the choice whether to eat it or not. As you were also not aware I don’t see telling her would benefit anyone

Her0utdoors · 17/06/2019 07:06

Your partner knows fish sauce isn't vegetarian right? It doesn't sound like either of you have claim to call yourselves vegetarian /vegan.

PinkyLovePerky · 17/06/2019 07:07

This is why veganuary is a load of wankery. Loads of people rushing off to buy processed crap, made to look the very stuff they are so bravely giving up for a month, before returning to normal life.

woollyheart · 17/06/2019 07:52

Surely @mindproject is right.

If someone is preparing food, you have to tell them what food you aspire to eat.

If vegetarian covers it, that is what you tell them.

If you don't want dairy, eggs etc, then you have to say vegan.

Nobody else really cares whether you have always kept strictly to your preferred diet or are 100% vegan. Unless you are really taking the piss expecting your parents to cook vegetarian for you, but always eating burgers and kebabs when out with your friends.

It only gets annoying when people expect you to take greater efforts to meet their preferred food preferences than they are prepared to put in themselves.