... to not tell my militantly vegan friend she ate fish sauce?

[Snuffalo]

I am a relaxed vegan, as are one of my kids, the other kid and my partner are mostly vegetarian. Basically what that means for me is that I would never spend my own money on animal products, and I wouldn't use them in my own cooking, but if someone else prepares food for me or I'm a guest in someone's home I'll eat what's put in front of me, for the most part - I won't have a sausage or a burger at your barbecue, but I'll eat the pasta salad even if has cheese in it, and I'll have some of your birthday cake even if it's made with eggs.

Anyway, my friend Alice- who is a militant, rather than a relaxed, vegan

• was over and I heated up what I confidently thought to be vegan sweet potato and black bean chilli that my partner had made earlier in the week. I know the recipe backwards and forwards because one of us makes it at least once a month with zero animal products so I had no reason to suspect otherwise. I must say it was especially delicious this time - because, as it turns out, my partner added some fish sauce because he'd read somewhere that it's good in chilli. I didn't find out until today and now I'm wondering if I should tell Alice? I can't decide if, in her shoes, I would want to know or not. Would you?

She will feel upset if you tell her and she might not trust eating at your house in future. It was a genuine mistake you did not deceive her on purpose. Let it go and don't think of it again. It did not happen.

A) @Snuffalo there is no such thing as a ‘relaxed vegan’. Vegan is a moral position, not a dietary choice. You’re more of a flexitarian.

B) Don’t tell her! You’ll only upset her just make sure it never happens again!!

I'm aware. I'm vegan. My answer applies regardless. No point telling her now. But it could have gone very wrong.

@Dorsetdays I HAVE been indirectly affected by OPs attitude by being served something blatantly non-vegan because 'oh such and such is vegan and THEY are it'. Do you really not see why blurring the lines makes it more difficult for us? See also vegetarians who are offered fish because so many pescatarians call themselves vegetarians.

For goodness sake, stop pretending to be a vegan when you're not. You eat a mostly plant based diet. That's brilliant. It's good for the planet, good for your health and reducing the amount of non-vegan foods you eat is good for the animals.

But there's no such thing as a "relaxed" vegan. By attaching such a daft label to yourself you're making life difficult for genuine vegans because people who cater for vegans (whether in cafés and restaurants or when cooking for friends) might think that genuine vegans share your "relaxed" attitude.

Leave it.

She is not allergic so as mum would say "let sleeping dogs lie "

By attaching such a daft label to yourself you're making life difficult for genuine vegans because people who cater for vegans (whether in cafés and restaurants or when cooking for friends) might think that genuine vegans share your "relaxed"

No, OP said ‘Basically what that means for me is that I would never spend my own money on animal products’, so the cafe/resto thing wouldn’t happen. And it’s not OP’s responsibility to present prefect veganism to the world.

this is taken directly from The Vegan Society's website. No mention of pets at all. As I said my pets are not exploited or abused in any way, they adore us and I'm not going to get rid of them to appease internet strangers or to 'prove' my veganism.

I don’t think being offered something you don’t choose to eat is the biggest problem in the world tbh. Just politely say no thanks.

However, if you allow someone else to prepare food for you whilst having very strict rules about what you choose to eat then you need to make sure those people are clear on those rules. If not, don’t expect them to cook for you.

I’m coeliac and I don’t expect people to know what that means I can or can’t eat (and I wouldn’t take the risk as many people don’t understand cross contamination either) so I choose not to expect people to cater for me, unless I know them really well because I don’t think that’s fair on them.

Mygastis. Perhaps try reading your own society website more closely then...

www.vegansociety.com/whats-new/blog/veganism-and-companion-animals

Could a not-hunter but still a pure gatherer be vegan? If so, given they are human, why can't others who want to call selves do what they find humanly possible? Are they a superior quality vegan over those who dare to call selves vegan but still eat crops pollinated by bee slaves? Who is truly vegan after all?

Come on vegan lasses. This is your game. You want a high-falutin' purist definition. Where do the acceptable boundaries lie for it. OP is being told she can't decide for herself. Deciding for self is apparently out.

Could you perhaps point out where I, or anyone else, said it was the biggest problem in the world?

Yes in the grand scheme of things (Brexit, Trump, Boris Johnson, pollution) it's very trivial but it's a minor annoyance and we are allowed to moan about them too.

I personally get very 'hangry' if I'm not fed regularly so if I went to dinner and was offered non-vegan food it could get messy 😀

*DorsetDays
*
May I respectfully suggest you do the same:

but if someone else prepares food for me or I'm a guest in someone's home I'll eat what's put in front of me, for the most part - I won't have a sausage or a burger at your barbecue, but I'll eat the pasta salad even if has cheese in it

I'm vegetarian, my friends all know I'm vegetarian and would check if I could eat something. I've taken my own veggie burgers to a barbecue to make it easier, how do your friends not know that you're vegan?

Nobody is 100% vegan. It's impossible. It was trying to be perfect that made me give up altogether on my 3 previous attempts to be vegan. I've now succeeded because I realise it makes no sense to try and be perfect.

It doesn't matter what I call myself - vegan/plant based/vegetarian. I don't eat or buy animal products, but I do wear leather shoes because I'm not throwing away good comfortable shoes for no reason, same goes for my beauty products. I am 99% vegan, that is good enough and much better than most.

Keep reading (including my post) and you’ll see that their stance is clear. They are aiming for NO animals to be kept as pets, including guide dogs because, regardless, it is exploitation of an animal that should be living free.

Which is what I said.

If I tell everyone I'm vegetarian rather than vegan they'll give me cheese, milk and eggs.

Also, I'm not getting rid of my cat. She's 16 years old. I can't make her move out at her age, just because I'm 99% vegan.

Yes but they accept that that isn't going to happen in the near future so we need to protect and look after rescue animals.

I give up now, you're determined to find fault and frankly I've got better things to do with my evening.

Mind. Totally fair enough.

I just find it a little contradictory when come strict vegans who feel it’s appropriate to lecture others seem to be able to ‘bend the rules’ when it comes to their own lifestyle.

FFS even The Vegan Society says owning rescue animals is ok...I'm not bending any rules.

Right really done now.

I don't know how she didn't notice. I can spot fish sauce a mile off as a lifelong veggie.

As she didn't, I see no benefit to anyone in telling her.

Most vegans don't lecture other people. I don't care what other people eat/don't eat. That's completely up to them.

I don't think I'm a hypocrite wearing leather shoes. I have quite a few pairs of shoes that I bought when I was vegetarian and it would be worse for the planet to go and buy new ones and waste the ones I have. I like to wear things until they fall apart. My main reason for being vegan was ecological.

Do NOT tell her. Terrible idea!

And don't get too worried about the militant vegans disliking appropriation of their identity by the relaxed vegans. There are strict Catholics who go to mass every Sunday and holy day unfailingly. And then there are relaxed ones who think they really should, and mostly do, but every now and then have a terrible hangover and stay in bed. They're still Catholics