To be really cross about this. Should I text?

[mummyrocks1]

I am sitting here really annoyed but DH thinks I am being over the top and should leave it or could end up loosing a friend over it- which I don't want to do.

We had arranged to see friends today, I had been texting all week to try and make arrangements for a place and time to firm up the arrangement. Not had much of a reply to set plans in stone and decide what to do. Raining all day so we both were struggling for ideas. Received text yesterday evening to say my friend would discuss with her DH best to do and text back. She didn't, so it was left.

Her DH rung my DH to arrange things today but several phone calls later nothing set in place. Eventually we decided on activity and time. We both had something on in the morning so arranged to meet at 2.

They have form for being late and not just a little late but up to an hour. This has annoyed DH and I in the past but we ve always left it. They are very flaky and their DD is a handful.

We waited at venue 10 minutes and they hadnt arrived, had a text from friends DH saying DD was having a meltdown and they were struggling to get out the door. They live half hour away and hadn't even left. Text sounded like they were just leaving so we waited another half hour. We knew they would be late but was annoyed as it's every time.

A further 20 minutes went past, by now they were 35 minutes late and we had been sat waiting for them with dcs. DH gets a message saying they were still struggling to get out the door! We went and did the activity without them.

I have had no apology from my friend or a sorry we didn't see each other. She did say she had a bad cold and had been working that morning. She wasn't going to do the activity because of this

Am I right to be annoyed? DH thinks it's fine but I am annoyed as yet again we have been let down. We often end up waiting for them, they arrive late/leave early from weekends away, or she double books and lets me down.

We are good friends and I love her but I am fed up with her constant flakiness. How can I left her know this without falling out?

Just stop arranging things... Or if you do want to do things, say we are going to X at X with X and X joining us (delete as applicable) so she can come or not. You're only winding yourself up expecting her to change without saying anything or having it out with her. Is their child particularly difficult? If she needs your help and support in that area my advice would be different, but as stated above I'd say you're not being fair to anyone by keep doing the same thing and expecting different results

I think you’re better off taking a deep breath and leaving it simmer down. You say you love her as a friend, a message now could sour things drastically.

If it were me I’d just be unavailable for a few weeks, and really consider what/how I wanted to say something.

If you love her, let it go and stop arranging things that depends on her

As pp says, just tell her you will be doing x at x time and she is free to join if she wants.

I have a friend similar. Changes plans, invites extras decides to do additional stuff even though we have to go. So I am really clear with her. This is what I am doing, what time I am getting there and what time I am leaving. I stick to my plans and she either turns up or doesnt.

I'd also just stop trying to arrange activities and meet ups with them for a while.

Her DD is particularly difficult but they pander to her and let her rule things. I can imagine her having a massive tantrum and it being difficult right before you re due to go out- I've been there! But they had time to tell us beforehand and sort it. With mine I would just bundle them in the car anyway.

We don't have many couple friends to be honest so don't have lots of people to meet up with and say we re seeing x at x place, come if you like.

I see her on her own more and dh sees her dh on his own. I wanted to do something as a couple this time. It can be quite a long period between meet ups and I miss her between them.

I haven't said anything before and just not contacted her for a few weeks. She will contact me and we ll meet up but problem not resolved.

Ten minutes late is one thing, but over an hour late on a regular basis would really annoy me! I wouldn't send the text though. Maybe in future make the kind of plan when it doesn't matter what time you arrive (ie not one with a specific start time) so that at least you and your family can get on with it rather than sitting around waiting.

I feel like I wouldn't see her much if I did that- she probably wouldn't come. She's scatty and doesn't put things in her diary.

I was thinking something along the lines of;

To be honest I am disappointed with the way things turned out today. I was looking forwards to meeting up. I know it's tricky when dcs decide to have a tantrum right when you re trying to leave- I ve been there!
but we had arranged our day around meeting up with you, we were doing you a favour getting you into x for free and we were left waiting 35 minutes only for you not to even turn up. It's starting to feel disrespectful

I feel like in the past I ve been a doormat to friends and seem to be the friend people think it's ok to do this too. I don't want to fall out but want to make it clear it's not fair and very rude. I wonder if she manages to be on time to see other people and keeps plans or just thinks it's ok with me.

I had a friend like this, and in the end I decided I felt disrespected and I was prepared to try and meet up any more. She was shocked and upset, but I explained myself and my reasons. I felt like she didn't respect my time. Only you can know when you have reached the boundary of what you're prepared to accept, and it's different for different people. My lesson is life has been all about boundaries, and I feel like if I don't respect my time, other people don't. Gosh it is hard though!

Wasn't prepared not was!

I think you're perfectly justified in feeling annoyed but no good has ever come of a text sent when someone's feeling angry.

Leave it until you've calmed down and then call her.

It sounds like you wanted the family get together, they tried but it doesn't work for them. You all may have to accept that at least until DC are a little older.

I have a very good friend but our dc really didn't get on so we learned early that our friendship was just for us and not to inflict it on our families.

I’d be annoyed too tbf. I hate waiting around for people and would just prefer they rang and told me they weren’t coming rather than having me wait around all day and not turn up. If I were you I would just stop organising with them x

Great advice @Runmoreorless - never send a text when angry!

My strategy with a friend who was always late was to arrange a time with her that was 30 minutes earlier than I intended to get there. Worked every time.

I feel like she manages to be on time and meet up with other friends and their dcs ok. She turns up and Is on time. I always seem to be the one who friends think it's ok to do this to.

I went NC with one friend recently who I felt the friendship was really one sided and didn't care about me. I don't feel like that with her so don't want to stop seeing her. If I left it for her to arrange things we wouldn't see each other that much or it wouldn't be as a couple. Our dcs get on fine so that's not a problem- I just wish they'd get their act together.

Just had message from her apologising and saying she was feeling really ill, they were trying to leave and ** kicked off saying she didn't want to go out so they decided not to.

To be fair, we be done this before with Ds but not right at the last minute when someone is waiting half an hour for you and you let them down. These were sporting events which wouldn't affect others.

I can accept that but still want to let her know it's really rude and not nice to leave people waiting and let them down completely half an hour after the meet up time. Otherwise it's going to keep happening.

Dh and I have never done activities with other couples with our kids, unless the odd day out to the zoo with family. If I had friends like yours who turn up late on a regular basis, I would never organise meeting up with them for a day out again.

we were doing you a favour getting you into x for free and we were left waiting 35 minutes only for you not to even turn up. It's starting to feel disrespectful

If you send a message saying you were doing her a favour you won’t have any problems in the future because she won’t be your friend!
In future just tell her a time 30 mins earlier than you want and see if she can manage to get there on time, if she is late for that then I just wouldn’t bother organising anything in future and would leave the ball in her court.

I’d be tempted to text disappointment by reply. Or just not reply.

I think what would annoy me was the fact that they didn't let you know they'd be late until a ridiculous time. That's disrespectful. We've all been there but I'd have been on the phone letting the other party know.
I would text about being upset they didn't let you know what was happening and next time just give them ten minutes then get on with what's planned.

I guess they were a bit stuck if their DD was having a meltdown and totally refusing to leave the house. I wouldn’t feel safe to drive for 30 minutes with my DC in meltdown in the back of the car (that’s assuming I could even manage to get them strapped into their car seat without constantly unclipping the belt) and I would feel anxious about turning up with a distraught child and completely spoiling the day for everyone. In their situation I’d probably think it was better not to go, especially if I was already half an hour late and knew it would take at least that long to get there. I’d rather say sorry to my friends after half an hour than make them wait another 30 minutes to have me turn up with a child in meltdown.

It’s a real shame your friendslet you down, but if they couldn’t get their DD out of the door what did you expect them to do?

I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here. I wonder if she's had a terrible morning / day just trying to get out to come and see you? Maybe with the dc kicking off and time ticking by, she's then fallen out with her dh and had a stressful time, deciding that she couldn't face going out after all? I agree it's wrong, unfair and disrespectful to leave you all in the lurch like that, but maybe arrange another meet up with just you and her, then tell her in person that you enjoy her company and it's so much better than when she meets you on time and you're not left hanging. Don't text - it really can be a rubbish way to put across how you feel.

I have two friends like this! They’re still my friends and we chat and I go see them and they’ll pop round but I don’t arrange to meet them anywhere

Drum- but I would never see them otherwise, I don't want that to happen. As I said we don't have many couple friends. If we stopped arranging things we d have very few people to meet up with. But I am getting fed up of their lateness.

We have invited them away with us for weekends before due to leave Friday night and stay until Sunday. Everyone else eagerly rushes down Friday night, they text last minute to say they're coming sat afternoon and leaving Sunday early. I don't understand why they are like this.

We do normally do the half hour later than plan to meet up thing but couldn't today as she was working until a certain time and we had to wait around to get them into the venue with our passes so couldn't start the activity without them. I guess it is generally us who makes most of the arrangements.

Can't just do each other's houses as not brilliant with dcs. Plus we live about 40
Mins away from each other so needs to be more of a plan. I won't leap to arrange another get together though.

Shall I reply to her message or leave it? Maybe leaving it will let her know I am annoyed. I feel I need to express that or it will just keep happening.

They pander to their dc. Once they were an hour late for a meet up because their dd needed an ice cream!