To be really cross about this. Should I text?

[mummyrocks1]

I am sitting here really annoyed but DH thinks I am being over the top and should leave it or could end up loosing a friend over it- which I don't want to do.

We had arranged to see friends today, I had been texting all week to try and make arrangements for a place and time to firm up the arrangement. Not had much of a reply to set plans in stone and decide what to do. Raining all day so we both were struggling for ideas. Received text yesterday evening to say my friend would discuss with her DH best to do and text back. She didn't, so it was left.

Her DH rung my DH to arrange things today but several phone calls later nothing set in place. Eventually we decided on activity and time. We both had something on in the morning so arranged to meet at 2.

They have form for being late and not just a little late but up to an hour. This has annoyed DH and I in the past but we ve always left it. They are very flaky and their DD is a handful.

We waited at venue 10 minutes and they hadnt arrived, had a text from friends DH saying DD was having a meltdown and they were struggling to get out the door. They live half hour away and hadn't even left. Text sounded like they were just leaving so we waited another half hour. We knew they would be late but was annoyed as it's every time.

A further 20 minutes went past, by now they were 35 minutes late and we had been sat waiting for them with dcs. DH gets a message saying they were still struggling to get out the door! We went and did the activity without them.

I have had no apology from my friend or a sorry we didn't see each other. She did say she had a bad cold and had been working that morning. She wasn't going to do the activity because of this

Am I right to be annoyed? DH thinks it's fine but I am annoyed as yet again we have been let down. We often end up waiting for them, they arrive late/leave early from weekends away, or she double books and lets me down.

We are good friends and I love her but I am fed up with her constant flakiness. How can I left her know this without falling out?

I’ve got a good friend like this. I love her too so I’ve put up with it over the years but I’m very much now refusing to do the running. If she organises etc I will always go but it has to be her doing the running around. I also always have something else I could do on the backburner in case she flakes on me.

I wouldnt reply. It just reply with a very short message like "ok" which shows you've read it but aren't particularly accepting the apology.

In future I would do an activity which you can start without them. E.g. go to the zoo and start looking round. When they arrive late and text asking where you are you can say "we will meet you by the penguins" or something. At least then you are able to do something as a family rather than standing around waiting for them.

Maybe she was just too tired and really didn't want meet up bit you kept badgering her. maybe they said they couldn't afford to do activity so they could back out, but then you said you'd pay......

She might not be very assertive and instead of just saying sorry just can't do it this week as have been really busy plus I'm working and got a stinking cold, I just want to go to bed after work on that day.

lots of maybe's I know, I'm just trying to see it from a different angle.

I would definitely reply.
Let her know that you waited a ridiculously long time for them and it would have been good manners for them to have told you they had changed their mind about coming

Maybe she’s picking up on your judgemental attitude about her DD and it’s putting her off wanting to meet up and do things as families?

Tbh OP I think whatever you do will be wrong. If you pull her up on it you'll lose her as a friend, if you don't then seething resentment will set in.

She is who she is, you are who you are. You cannot change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

You cannot demand that someone gives you the friendship you want, you have the choice whether or not to accept the friendship they can offer.

If these are "good friends" i would hate to read a post re your enemies

OP - I totally understand your annoyance. By being late, she/they are saying that your time doesn't matter.
You have a few options, I think:
1)Tell her how you feel, and risk losing the friendship.
2) Arrange things that are not time-dependent
3) Arrange something, but tell her it's an hour earlier than it actually is.

I have a friend like this. She can be 1-1.5 hours late! After the second time I stopped arranging anything with her. People like that annoy me as they think their time is worth more than mine. I don't particularly want to be stood like a lemon with my kids waiting for them to appear. Never again. Just stop arranging stuff with them and go by yourselves.

A good friend would not keep doing this, and a good friend would speak up and tell her its simple not on.

Don't text while you are angry. Don't reply tonight, sleep on it and reply tomorrow if you really want to. Better just to stop arranging family meet ups with them though.

If you're late leaving and won't make it on time, for whatever reason, you let people know. It's simply rude not to. I'm sympathetic about not being able to get out on time but I always at least let ppl know and try and re-plan realistically!

Can you just say 'in future when you know you're not going to make it on time, please could you let us know as soon as you can? It's really difficult standing waiting for an hour with my dc particularly when they're not sure what's happening' or similar

They didn’t really want to see you but you weren’t taking the hint.

If this friend manages to meet up on time with other friends but not you then she doesn't prioritise you in the same way that you do her. Dial it back to where she is and you'll be happier.

I wouldn't reply to that message, certainly not while you're in such a mood about the event. Just echo what you get from her and then it won't be so hurtful to you.

Does she value the friendship in the same way you do, do you think? She didn’t seem keen to firm plans up.

If you are keen to reply - which I always am, I can’t leave it - I’d say:

To be honest I am disappointed with the way things turned out today. I was looking forward to meeting up. I know it's tricky when dcs decide to have a tantrum right when you re trying to leave - I‘ve been there - but we had arranged our day around meeting up with you.

I think that tells her how you feel without being too harsh, you know? Saying you feel disrespected might kill the friendship off completely (although you have every right to feel that way)

I would say something along the lines of how upset it makes you to sit alone waiting for her and how you put in effort and it isn't reciprocated. Stop going to massive effort to arrange anything with her just meet up casually where it doesn't matter if she turns up or not. When you go to any meeting again give her ten minutes and leave don't text her to ask where she is just leave.

I agree with arabella.. Maybe she knows you don't actually like her

I would suggest meeting somewhere where timing doesn't matter eg at a museum, at a shopping centre, in a pub garden. And arrive 30 mins late yourselves

I may be wide of the mark here does their DD have some sort of Additional Needs? One of my children has ASD and is extremely rigid about what they will/won't do. If so your friend needs to be honest about it.

There's no need to express disappointment and saying you were doing them a favour is not nice.

You want them as couple friends, so it's a 2 way thing. You can't go getting so annoyed with her, while still really wanting the friendship.

You either stop arranging things, which you don't want to do..or accept that they're unreliable and put up with it, because you want the friendship.

You can't change other ppl. I have a friend who is always late and on top of the standard lateness, she's useless with satnav...so gets lost every single time.

We were going away with others recently and where she and I would meet up first and go together, I said I'd see her there. She was 4 hours later than the agreed time.

It didn't bother me, because I had others there.
She's lovely, but the lateness is a PITA. So... I hear you.

It doesn't seem like she was overly keen to meet up in the first place.

You said she's not late with other friends? Is that when she has her DD ad well? I'm trying to ascertain if DD is the problem or she's just naturally like this.

I think my reading of her depends a bit on the age of the child.

I have to agree that it sounds like they were trying not to meet up from the beginning.. they tried a few excuses and tactics to put it off and then just didn't turn up. Coupled with you saying she makes it on time to other things with other people.. I think I would just take the hint and not bother anymore. It's rude but I doubt you'll change her.

I'd be really pissed off if I were you. But I think the advice to cool off before you reply is really sensible.

To be honest I'd be tempted to wait until she next suggests a meet up and then say that I wasn't keen and explain why. That way the onus is on her to organise and you'll get a sense of whether she's actually interested in pursuing the friendship.