To be really cross about this. Should I text?

[mummyrocks1]

I am sitting here really annoyed but DH thinks I am being over the top and should leave it or could end up loosing a friend over it- which I don't want to do.

We had arranged to see friends today, I had been texting all week to try and make arrangements for a place and time to firm up the arrangement. Not had much of a reply to set plans in stone and decide what to do. Raining all day so we both were struggling for ideas. Received text yesterday evening to say my friend would discuss with her DH best to do and text back. She didn't, so it was left.

Her DH rung my DH to arrange things today but several phone calls later nothing set in place. Eventually we decided on activity and time. We both had something on in the morning so arranged to meet at 2.

They have form for being late and not just a little late but up to an hour. This has annoyed DH and I in the past but we ve always left it. They are very flaky and their DD is a handful.

We waited at venue 10 minutes and they hadnt arrived, had a text from friends DH saying DD was having a meltdown and they were struggling to get out the door. They live half hour away and hadn't even left. Text sounded like they were just leaving so we waited another half hour. We knew they would be late but was annoyed as it's every time.

A further 20 minutes went past, by now they were 35 minutes late and we had been sat waiting for them with dcs. DH gets a message saying they were still struggling to get out the door! We went and did the activity without them.

I have had no apology from my friend or a sorry we didn't see each other. She did say she had a bad cold and had been working that morning. She wasn't going to do the activity because of this

Am I right to be annoyed? DH thinks it's fine but I am annoyed as yet again we have been let down. We often end up waiting for them, they arrive late/leave early from weekends away, or she double books and lets me down.

We are good friends and I love her but I am fed up with her constant flakiness. How can I left her know this without falling out?

Op this would grate on me. The idea that it's ok to let you down and/or keep you waiting because their dd has a tantrum or decides she doesn't want to do anything is so rude.

They are unlikely to change though.

If your DCs aren't particularly bothered about their dd then why not do a couple meet up next time without the kids.

I would reply. I think I would say something like:

"Sorry to hear you are ill. We were disappointed because we had been looking forward to meeting up and it had taken so long to organise. Perhaps in future you could just let us know in advance if you can't make it then we won't be waiting around. I really hope you feel better soon and perhaps we can get together without the DCs for a catch up"

Give it 24 hours before you reply. She will know you are pissed off and you will have time to calm down.

I don't agree this is a friendship though.

I think maybe you value the friendship more than she does. If she's on time for others, like you said then I would think she just doesn't like you as much as you like her

As above - shes just not that into you. Stop being the one to organise everything - if someone makes an excuse like "I've got a cold" etc just say ok maybe next time. Dont keep badgering someone into meeting up- you're playing into their flaky hands. Find better friends - all your keep saying is you dont have many couples friends so dont want to lose them - that's not a reason to stay friends with annoying people.

I agree with some other posters, sounds like they'd tried a couple of excuses as they didnt want to

You can't have it both ways though

Given the lack of response to your texts in the week, it sounds like they were not really arsed about meeting up. Who knows, maybe there was no meltdown and they just wanted to stay at home.

If you really want to keep the friendship going then maybe just let her know where you are going and what time, that they are welcome to meet you there if they want. Then just go ahead and do it as planned with or without them.

The problem with waiting around like this with young children is they get hungry, tired and fractious so it spoils the outing.

I don’t think she’s bothered, tbh. If you do decide to invite her out again, make it something that you can do without needing/wanting her there and if she turns up, fine. I certainly wouldn’t wait round for her, so if she’s late, just text, say ‘we’re off/starting’ and leave her to it.

Stop suggesting or organising any meet ups. That is the test of whether they want to see you and make the effort or not. At the moment you always do it for them. Give them a decent amount of time, say six months, to step up and see what happens.

Don't think she didn't want to meet up, she initiated it and I suggested the day. She then said several times she could do it and her DH rung mine to sort it this morning. There weren't any hints I don't think. First of all her DH said she wasn't coming as she's ill, she texted me to say he was confused as she was coming. So think she had intended to.

I ve left it before so that she contacts me and I leave it with her, she always does. I don't need to do that 'test' but when we meet it's sporadic and usually just us. I would like to meet as a couple. Without dcs as a couple is tricky as we need to find babysitters. I feel she sees other friends more but then they live nearer so it's easier for them to pop over than it is for me. Tbh I am not sure she is on time for them, would have to ask, but she definitely seems to see them more often. I don't know who initiates that though and as I said it sounds like they pop over more which I can't do.

Her DD is 6.5 so at an age where imo shouldn't be dictating things.

I think this is her personality. Everything last minute. I know she probably won't change so will make sure don't pick activities which aren't time dependent and tell her times earlier than we intend to get there. We ve always met up just us two before really or a weekend away as a couple with dcs so I was trying to initiate more day trips with them as a couple with dcs. Their DD isn't close to my dcs as a result. Her DD is difficult but don't think it's special needs, she just gets away with murder.

Haven't texted back but will do over next few days and will use one of those suggestions. I do want to tell her I am annoyed without falling out over it though.

She did respond to my texts just didn't confirm time and venue until this morning

Perhaps she doesn't like meeting up as a couple? Why do you need 'couple friends'? Is she more your friend?

Something's going awry because you seem quite insistent and earnest about meeting up... and she/they are not. They are doing everything to avoid it - this isn't the first time.

Really, for me, I would be pulling back very hard and stop instigating. I think that if you push this now she will retreat further and you'll love the relationship altogether.

What you've posted really isn't flattering and I don't wonder that you're upset about it but why are you so very insistent about this woman/couple?

*lose the relationship altogether.

You can’t force them to change. Either accept who they are or don’t arrange to meet up.

The fact that you had to badger her to sort something does kind of sound like they didn’t really want to go in the first place. I ask people a couple of times, then give up. We make time for things we want to do, right?

I had a friend like this, her and her husband completely disorganised, always late, always expecting everyone to pick up the slack (including never having cash, or bringing wine to dinner parties etc).

They emigrated to Canada, thank fuck.

They didn’t really want to see you but you weren’t taking the hint.

Thats what i am reading as well.Its like they hope you get pissed off enough and stop arranging stuff.

If they are only late for you and it sounds like they are,they dont want to be friends.They just dont have the balls to tell you.Stop arranging stuff,its not worth the hassle.

I have dumped friends in the past for continual lateness and no apology.

Drives me mental.

Send a message but be prepared to lose the friend.

My ds10 is like this. Refuses to leave the house, refuses to get in the car. Has huge meltdowns over it. He was recently diagnosed with asd, and this seems to be one of his triggers.

It’s horrendous. Exhausting. It’s one of the reasons why we don’t see as many family friends as we used to. Other people just don’t seem to get it.

Could this be a possibility for your friends child?

Possibly greenwood- not for me to say really. They have not brought their DD on weekends away with us and other friends because she didn't want to come and felt left out so could be her not wanting to see my dcs. They aren't close.

I had another message this morning apologising again and saying she felt ill. So she does seem sorry and she said she's worried she's upset me.

Think I ve not made it clear about communications before Sunday clear or people not reading properly. She suggested meet up, I suggested day, she replied to messages saying def up for Sunday and would discuss with DH. Apparently no text sat night as her DH went out. But couldn't pin down time or venue. I left it, they contacted Sunday to firm arrangements so I didn't chase. Think they are just generally last minute, don't make plans, late people.

They frequently arrange things with us, not a one sided friendship. My DH does things with her DH and I do social things with her alone and we ve had holidays together separately and as a couple. DHs are good friends too.

Quit arranging trips out. They’re flaky and lack time management skills, sounds like a total pain.

Just pop round to see them sometimes if you still value their friendship but don’t bother arranging days out together, it clearly doesn’t work.

HRTFT but the description of constant lateness rang a bell for me. I had a friend like this, always late, she'd dawdle and dawdle and dawdle even if I'd met up with her beforehand. Eventually the penny dropped - she was controlling everyone else by keeping them waiting, and as well as that she was focusing all attention on her. She loved being an hour late, people sitting waiting, then she'd breeze in all charm with a story about why she was late. It made her feel very important to have everyone waiting on word from her.

She had a high turnover of friends, not many people have such low self-esteem that they're prepared to have their lack of importance proven to them, constantly, by someone who's supposed to be a friend.

If they are suggesting days out and still being late.It shows a lack of respect,especially when they can be on time for other people.

I had a friend like this OP. I stopped organising things with her, and if we did go out for something together I would get on with the activity whether she showed or not. Admittedly we don't see each other very much at all anymore but I can't even express the severe drop in my stress levels since. I recommend you don't message her now, just ... let her do the organising and don't wait for her to be late before starting the activity.

If she manages to arrive at other people's planned get-togethers on time and is consistently late meeting up with you, I'd agree that it's either disrespectful (isn't bothered about what you think/feel or takes you for granted) or a sign that she thinks (for some reason) that you're sympathetic/understanding than the others and won't mind.

The situation does sound very annoying. If you say something, it's true that it might affect the relationship negatively, if she takes offence. However, if her selfish tendency to be late is driving you up the wall or making you feel unappreciated, the friendship is already suffering. It's a matter of how frustrated you are and how much of the behaviour you can stomach.

I feel like she manages to be on time and meet up with other friends and their dcs ok. She turns up and Is on time. I always seem to be the one who friends think it's ok to do this to.

And there is the problem. I can't tolerate this. I just assume that if someone does this to me, it's a classic case of them meaning more to me than I do to them so I tend to let them go. If it is always you organising and putting the effort in, perhaps she is genuinely just not as committed to your friendship as you are.

You can accept this and either a) leave it to her to organise stuff or b) organise things and "meet them inside" being fully accepting that they may not turn up.

Or you can be honest once you have calmed down.