To cut In laws completely out of our and our childrens lives forever..?

[BarbieLovesKen]

Can anyone tell me what to do? I am literally at the end of my tether. Eyes are stinging from crying, barely slept again because of OHs parents.

I hate them! I really, really cannot stand them. Im not going to get into the whole long drawn out story because we'll be here all night but basically they have been awful to me since the day they met me, it began with his sister and his brothers girlfriend being bitches to me...

Then the mother and father started. We have arguements regulary. We pretend to pass them off, if they decide to visit. We both always feel awkard around them. I feel actual contempt when I see his stupid bitch of a mother. They completely ignore our little girl - I mean, we live 15 minutes away and they will visit approx once every 2 - 3 months (and pretend to be all over her). They dont ring and ask if shes ok, even when they know shes sick. OHs brother is her godfather - he hasnt seen or asked for her since Christmas, text, call, nothing. Its not because they are not baby people - they ADORE their other grandchild (2 months older than dd)

Anyway, another arguement last night about the stupidist thing in the world. OH has had enough and ended up screaming on the phone to his mother telling her "thats it, fck off, dont ever come near me or any of my children again, I cant take anymore from you" He said hes finished with them(they have always treated him differently - probably because he is* different from his 4 other siblings)

Thing is, our wedding is arranged for next year. What do I do? - I told OH last night that he was just angry, doesnt mean it, will feel differently when he sleeps on it etc... but he woke up saying all he feels is relief to get rid of them. Its an awful situation - I dont want him to loose his family basically, IMO because of me, because they never liked me (he said it stems further and would have happened anyway - not the most close knit family in the world) do I encourage him to make it up? or leave it as it is? -

I dont want to make this about me because I have my own family and it would be completely be unfair to him but I just wish they would go away. I would be happy if I never, ever seen any of them again, they have added so much pressure to our relationship over the past few years - so many arguements. He says he doesnt care, just wants rid but (and I know im being selfish) I dont want him to turn around in a few years and say I made him loose his family (I would never give him an ultimation) or what if something, God forbid, happened to one of them? what about our wedding next year? it would be so awful for him if they dont go(or we dont invite them) (he says he doesnt want them there - but thats now) thing is, I know we would be soooooooooooo much happier with them out of our lives, things would be so much easier. He thinks this too. But I want to right by Oh. I really cant stand them.

So sorry for the length of this post. If anyone is still awake now, im sorry for rambling on. Thank you for reading, I just needed to write it down. x

and also, thanks to everyone who shared their personal experiences with families - made me realise that it doesnt have to be all misery if you decide to cut them out. xx

Good luck Barbie and I hope that maybe a positive reconcilliation might be achieved further down the line in years to come, but right now long may peace and love and happiness rein in your family

We go throught his regularly too!

My mother is an alchohlic who lives in another country, deppressive, lots of problems. I chose to cut her out of my life for the stability and have no regrets. She knows nothing of my ds, my dh and also my brothers dc and dw. I realised one day she was never going to change and I couldn't accept the emotional blacmail, drunken ramblings which she couldn't remember.
My dh has never met her in the 5 years we've been together.

His family are strange too. His mother treats his sisters totally differently, visits them but not us. Constantly asks us when we are visiting them -they live 3-4 hrs up north. We have 2 dogs, 1 ds and another on the way. Dh husband works 60-70 hrs per week. They are retired....

Whilst I don't advocate cutting relatives out of your lives, you do have to balance what they bring to your and your children's lives. I couldn't risk my mother emotionally abusing my dc as she had me and so the decision was pretty clear cut but my mil is a different kettle of fish. What I have said is that dh can take ds to their house if he wants him to see his gp's but I will not come with them. He has agreed to this but he doesn't want to go either so we're all in a bit of a stalemate. We keep positive about ds's gp's, don't hide photos and so far it seems a little better as we have taken the control away from the il's.

Oh btw re the wedding,
WE had so many problems with mil/sil's on the day (they turned up late, didn;t have time to get their hair done, sil stood on her bouquet, mil tried to give back the present we gave her twice! Mil moved so she didn;t sit next to my dad, In laws went to bed around 9pm etc)

We are renuing our vows next year and have decided to just go away with our boys (will be 2 by then!) and then we can please ourselves and not have to worry about others' bad behaviour

i dont know what other people have said, but here's my tuppence.
stay away from the inlaws as much as you possibly can. dont visit them, ever. if they come, fine, be civil, but not friendly. and dont, ever, fight with them. they are just not worth it. dont feed them. dont encourage their visits at all. in fact, see if you can come up with some 'previous engagement' if they do turn up. and just leave the house.
however, regarding your wedding. i'm afraid you must invite them. and y ou must encourage your dp to invite them. because otherwise it ends up about you rather than them.
but whatever you do, DONT fight withthem.they are not worth it.

Hi, I sympathise, have had IL issues for + 10 years. No-one was good enough for DH, an only child. As I wouldn't abort DD1, she will not forgive me for taking her son away at 20 odd years old and numerous other things ie not being who she wants or doing what she wants. She is a very critical woman and made it clear she wanted DH and DD and NOT me in the package. She wanted to be super close to DD (like daily unannounced visits) and ignore me. It caused no end of stress. The wedding was interesting to say the least...

What I have learned is that people don't really change. I would not cut them out of your life, but stick to some ground rules and don't be treated badly, make sure you and DH are a united front, and accept they will never be what you want them to be. I would keep the door open but keep your distance and let them continue to keep theirs. Some IL's actually want to cause arguments and make the DH feel guilty, and some DH do blame you for it too deep down (I do alot of reading!) I know these people don't deserve you in their lives but if you are the calm civil end, they are the bad ones. If you accept them when they are civil etc, then the ball is in their court.

I know how hard it is. We get on OK now and it is civil, amazing since how we started and MIL would ignore me every visit and snatch baby away. It is not relaxed or an easy relationship and probably will never be. But I don't have any guilt for ruining the relationship as I know I have always kept the doors open. I have defended myself but remained more than fair.