Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
AmeriAnn · 17/06/2019 15:50

I'd like to know what was in the messages and if the OP has decided to parent her child responsibly now.

It blows my mind she was okay with him staying out all night drunk off his arse at 16 years old. This is how women end-up with awful husbands - their mothers tell them it's okay/normal to stay out all night drunk.

unsure66 · 17/06/2019 16:23

Hope it went ok OP

BinkyBam · 17/06/2019 16:47

@AmeriAnn
No. Women end up with awful men in their lives because the men they have fallen for are awful. Are you seriously saying it's the men's mothers fault? Jeez 🤦‍♀️

Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit · 17/06/2019 16:58

@BinkyBam yep and if a child doesn’t have a mother it’s the child’s grandmothers fault for raising a man who couldn’t properly raise his son Wink

BinkyBam · 17/06/2019 17:05

@Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit knew it. Wondered how I had been failing all these years! Hmm

SilverDapple · 17/06/2019 17:13

Hope it went ok OP

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 17:14

I think the point should be that this can lead to toxic masculinity. Both parents are part of that. Not mother’s specifically

Boys will be boys
Bous banter
Just silly fun
Failure to accept your child’s part in an unpleasant incident

Yes some parents hold their DC to good standards and morals. Some do not

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/06/2019 17:19

Pinkyyy
I'd be sure to ask during the meeting why 9-10 teachers are so easily accessible on social media?

I would be telling you that it isn't relevant to what your child did, and why did he feel the need to send (insert whatever the child has posted here) to 9 or 10 teachers.

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 17/06/2019 17:25

Op would be extremely ill advised to go on the defensive, demanding that the teachers be called to account for the part they unintentionally played in her ds’s antics. Especially in front of the boy Confused
Utter nonsense.

Runmoreorless · 17/06/2019 17:33

Heard it all now. It is OK for a single young man (or woman) to go out drinking with their friends, if that's what they want.

What's not acceptable is not understanding you're responsible for your actions during that time and likely to be held accountable for the actions of the group.

If the OP made a mistake it was allowing the drinking before DS understood what the consequences might be.

How did it go OP?

MissEliza · 17/06/2019 17:40

@BoneyBackJefferson Good answer.

LolaSmiles · 17/06/2019 17:43

Greyhoundsaregreyt
Some parents do though.

Once my colleagues and I reported a student for making sexual comments to us that were explicit and highly offensive.

Mum's response in the meeting to SLT: But what can you expect. They're full of hormones. You can't put young attractive teachers in a class and expect them not to find them attractive. I accept he misjudged it (misjudged!!! We weren't talking a flirty joke that crossed a line here Angry) but really they've got to work these things out for themselves. It's actually annoyed me that the first I hear of it is this request for an urgent meeting and the teacher hasn't dealt with it themselves really.

Because y11 boys making explicit sex references to multiple female members of staff in front of their mates is them naively finding their feet with girls.
Angry

Pinkyyy · 17/06/2019 17:43

@BoneyBackJefferson It obviously is relevant. If they had appropriate privacy settings then this wouldn't have happened. That's not to say that the students are not to be held accountable, but I would certainly mention it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/06/2019 17:56

@Pinkyyy
It obviously is relevant.

It not relevant to what the pupil sent, the teachers didn't cause it, didn't want it, didn't ask for it.

If they had appropriate privacy settings then this wouldn't have happened.

Neither you or the school know what privacy settings were used by the teachers and if someone wants to find you they will.

FYI, I was once found because my friend's daughter's, boyfriend's brother is a facebook friend with my friends daughter and he looked at her mothers friends list. Absolutely fuck all to do with my settings.

But hey its my fault for having friends with kids (sarcasm)

That's not to say that the students are not to be held accountable,

Good because its all their fault

but I would certainly mention it.

And hopefully you would get the response I posted earlier.

justasking111 · 17/06/2019 18:00

What a mess, I would be furious with mine if they had done something like this. My teaching friends are not on FB or instagram for a very goo reason it would seem.

LolaSmiles · 17/06/2019 18:02

Pinkyyy
A private account can still be searchable. There is nothing wrong in that.

Otherwise, I should stop doing my local parkrun. Students run it too and see me. I guess if they tell abuse at me I should accept that's my fault for doing that parkrun and should have driven half an hour away. After all, I'm really not helping myself if students know I do parkrun.

What about meals with friends? Our local town has some lovely places to eat, but I guess we shouldn't go there in case we see a student and they say hi and tell me I look nice, or one student gets drunk and tries to flirt badly. Really, that's totally our responsibility to avoid nice local food places just in case.

Local competitions have students from youth leagues in so I better not go there. What if some students heckle me and push it too far? What about colleagues who coach youth league sport and referee? Maybe they better stop volunteering in case a parent tells abuse at them? Our head better speak to us about not doing regional events and volunteering then.

All my colleagues who live in catchment better move house or wear a disguise in case a student sees them. After all if their car was egged by a disgruntled drunk student, someone should really tell them to move house or wear a disguise more because that would be the responsible thing to do.

If their profile was public then they need a firm reminder on privacy. If it's a private account then they've done what's reasonable because if you apply 'if students could even make any contact then the teacher is wrong' to any of the above offline situations it shows how silly it is.

Frazzaboo · 17/06/2019 18:03

It amazes me the amount of covering up some parents are prepared to give! Absolutely says the name of the child involved, it is called being honest, absolutely accept some responsibility as someone else using his account would not take you too far legally. Show you values and apply them. I would also encourage new friendships as this one and his mother aren't exactly what you would wish for, for you boy. Handling drinks is part of growing up, but obviously he has made mistakes on this one. As for the teachers and school having a policy for Social Media usage, words fail me! I live by my secondary school students, I should have a curfew too to avoid contact!!

cioccolata · 17/06/2019 18:06

Come back OP and tell us what happened please. I can't concentrate on anything until I know ....Blush

IncrediblySadToo · 17/06/2019 18:23

I wonder how the meeting went?

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 17/06/2019 18:28

I hope you had your SLT’s support and she old bat was put firmly in her place, Lola?
Some kids haven’t a hope really, though, with the hopelessly substandard parenting they get.

teenmum1 · 17/06/2019 18:29

Hope it went ok op.

Hope also that you are not upset by some of the negative assumptions being made on here about you and your DS

AdaShelby · 17/06/2019 18:31

I hope they believed You and it's all sorted now.

caringcarer · 17/06/2019 18:32

Go in and see head and tell the truth. If messages contained sexual connotations the police may be called and then your son could end up with caution or worse. What kind of a friend lets his mate take the flack for his behaviour anyway?

Strugglingonagain · 17/06/2019 18:33

How did it go OP? I hope you got it sorted x

steff13 · 17/06/2019 18:34

It obviously is relevant. If they had appropriate privacy settings then this wouldn't have happened.

I am loathe to refer to these teachers as victims, as we don't know what the message actually said. But, seriously with this? It's not much of a leap from this to, "if she wasn't wearing that low-cut top," "if she wasn't wearing that short skirt," etc. The people who sent the messages are 100% to blame, not the recipients.

Swipe left for the next trending thread