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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 17/06/2019 07:58

The irony of this whole post is ridiculous

Wanting the other boy and his mum to take the flack and not your own is exactly because they are children. You would not do this for your 18yo boy, and why should other mum take the flack if you won’t OP?

Pinkyyy · 17/06/2019 08:11

@Runmoreorless I'm certainly not blaming the school or the teachers. But teachers around here are required to have their profile set up in such a way that students can't find them. You do have to consider that because they were able to not only find, but also message, so many teachers- there needs to be a policy in place to prevent this happening again.

Runmoreorless · 17/06/2019 08:13

How do they set up profiles so an old school friend or ex colleague can find them but students can't? I'd be interested to know how to do that.

I don't see how it's relevant to ask why they were able to be found if you're not blaming them.

SoupDragon · 17/06/2019 08:19

no parental rules

That was the cause, not the alcohol.

And children who drink underage are clearly not mature enough to handle it

Give it is only illegal for under 5s to drink alcohol, you're right. Under 5s aren't mature enough to handle it.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 08:24

No parental rules and people who don’t take it seriously and think it’s ‘not a big deal’ just like this situation
‘He was drunk’ is a depressing excuse for having to face a headteacher and I would be mortified

herculepoirot2 · 17/06/2019 08:24

You do have to consider that because they were able to not only find, but also message, so many teachers- there needs to be a policy in place to prevent this happening again.

I don’t think that’s reasonable or proportionate. Teachers have a right to be contacted by their friends and relatives. Of idiotic students decide to send them messages, the teacher is the one at risk of harassment, not the student. The teacher is still able to continue with professional behaviour even if the student doesn’t, so I don’t see why teachers need to hide the fact of their presence on social media.

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/06/2019 08:27

@Pinkyyy my profile on all social media are completely locked down. A friend and colleague's wasn't. I had no reason to check all my contacts security details. Said person left and added loads of pupils to her profile - pupils could then go through her feed and friends and identify staff. Lots of staff received friend requests. Ex colleague is now blocked

Pinkyyy · 17/06/2019 08:33

Its just part of being a teacher, any teacher knows that they shouldn't be contactable for students.

I'm sorry that happened to you @Pieceofpurplesky I suppose whatever precautions you take, there will always be a way for people to get around it. At least you did lock down your profile though so that the blame lied with your colleague, not with you.

Pinkyyy · 17/06/2019 08:34

@herculepoirot2 it's just part of the job

herculepoirot2 · 17/06/2019 08:43

Pinkyyy

No, it isn’t. Teachers are contactable by students anyway. If a student is going to say something inappropriate to a teacher, they will do so using school email, or in person. The standard is that social media should be used with care, using the highest privacy settings, and teachers should not contact/befriend students, or communicate with them outwith school channels.

jellyjellyinmybelly · 17/06/2019 08:46

I'm going against the grain here. I would say he left his phone to charge up and someone (he doesn't know who) took it at the party and sent the messages. I realise this isn't showing honesty to DS but I think I'd still do this to minimise official consequences. I'd tell him off at home though for being so stupid to allow it. -sits back and waits for people to object to this message-

herculepoirot2 · 17/06/2019 08:49

jellyjellyinmybelly

Me!

Norfolkenchancemate · 17/06/2019 08:55

I'm going against the grain now, but I brought my son up to know and understand that 'guilty by association' is a very real thing, therefore in your shoes I wouldn't be fighting his corner, you son ALLOWED someone to use his phone, he KNEW what they were doing, he felt guilty enough to delete the messages, which, if they're as innocent as he says, can only be used to prove that they were innocent. I think you need to allow him to take the flack for this, because in 5 years when his mates done something real bad, ie, robbed a bank, and your son 'only gave him a lift' it's not going to wash.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 08:58

I agree with the PP about accountability

knittedthrow · 17/06/2019 08:59

Hopefully the messages aren't anything more serious than what your son said. The fact they've called you in is a bit worrying though.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 09:00

It is terrible to make excuses for him
You feel he was old enough to drink so he is old enough to take responsibility for it

Greyhoundsaregreyt · 17/06/2019 09:17

The bottom line is; it was his phone that the messages were sent from, the natural assumption is that it was him who sent them, and he can’t prove otherwise.
It’s on him. You can bet the other Mum who’s so concerned about the money she’s potentially wasted on a prom suit will be fighting her son’s corner just as vigorously.
And it sounds as if op’s ds has form for bad behaviour every bit as much as the other boy as op has been called into school quite a lot already, from the sound of things.

No reason for school to be at all surprised or assume it was anyone else, as op has suggested (rather naively) that they might.

billy1966 · 17/06/2019 10:31

OP

The absolutely worst thing you and your son can do is in any way try and mitigate the seriousness of what has happened.

His demeanor needs to sincerely apologetic.

Prepare for the worst. That those messages are very offensive.

He needs to explain clearly he had taken alcohol and wasn't thinking clearly when his phone was taken from him.

He needs to apologise profusely.

Other poster's are bang on, he needs to understand the "rules of association".

He needs to be able to appeal for leniency and to explain clearly what he has learnt from this incident.

Do not make the mistake of going into this meeting unprepared.

How prepared you are may well determine the outcome.

MissEliza · 17/06/2019 10:36

Do you actually believe your ds when he says it wasn't him that sent them? I have a 16 year old who is actually well behaved but I would struggle to believe the story. Best thing your ds could do for himself is apologise profusely to all involved.

CJsGoldfish · 17/06/2019 10:36

A bit of freedom and drinking and silliness is normal and to be honest, good
Maybe in your world.
Personally I find the idea of anyone thinking that 16yr olds drinking is 'good' to be pretty sad. And the 'silliness' that comes with it is also 'good'?

Guess it's easier to parent that way.

Fibbke · 17/06/2019 10:42

I'm going against the grain now, but I brought my son up to know and understand that 'guilty by association' is a very real thing, therefore in your shoes I wouldn't be fighting his corner, you son ALLOWED someone to use his phone, he KNEW what they were doing, he felt guilty enough to delete the messages, which, if they're as innocent as he says, can only be used to prove that they were innocent. I think you need to allow him to take the flack for this, because in 5 years when his mates done something real bad, ie, robbed a bank, and your son 'only gave him a lift' it's not going to wash

I completely agree. I have made it very clear to my kids that if this kind of thing happens they are to blame.

It did happen. A friend of dds sent a horrible message to another girl from dds phone. I am still not 100% sure dd was telling me the truth although it would have been wholly out of character for dd and not out of character for the friend. It was years ago but I've used it as a useful reminder for my other dcs.

Meccacos · 17/06/2019 10:46

This is part of him growing up and taking responsibility for his actions and also the actions of those he spends time with.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 17/06/2019 11:20

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be too sure that you really do know the whole story. The school's response does sound as if you might need to brace yourself to hear about things your DS has hoped not to tell you. And he might be being noble to his friend but he might also be worried what else his friend might have to say about him if he dobs his friend in about this.

I'd be sure to ask during the meeting why 9-10 teachers are so easily accessible on social media?

I would wait til the school tell you what really happened first.

Op. You know your son better than anyone so if you trust him about the message contents then it sounds like teenage silliness gone wrong.

I've been a Mum of a teenager and there have been a couple of times (only a couple because my DS is pretty honest and well behaved) when I was the last person who knew what he was really up to. Teenage silly thoughtless behaviour can cover a lot of trouble!

Why did your DS just assume he was going to the after-party? If he's been getting drunk and letting his friends misuse his phone then maybe being barred from the school disco should mean being barred from going drinking afterwards as well.

Hope it all works out well anyway this afternoon, good luck.

MardyMavis · 17/06/2019 11:29

Come on as if they weren't pissed up
Laughing their arses off sending them together....he's shit himself now so telling you it wasn't him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2019 15:21

This is part of him growing up and taking responsibility for his actions

Or not, as the case may be ...

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