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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
Nearly47 · 17/06/2019 18:36

It is simple. Tell the truth. You don't know how far this will get.

strawberrisc · 17/06/2019 18:45

How did it go?

Witchtower · 17/06/2019 18:46

Sounds to me as though your son is taking responsibility which is great. But it should only be partial responsibility.
It’s also important to remember that your son was a part of this so please don’t fully blame his friend.

Mummyto2munchkins · 17/06/2019 18:55

Hope everything went OK OP

LolaSmiles · 17/06/2019 19:07

Greyhoundsaregreyt
SLT were excellent in their handling.

I think I was more shocked that in the 21st century some women will defend their son's toxic masculinity and act like the whole world should walk on egg shells around their darling son (I saw a similar attitude when a different mother blamed me for her son assaulting me. I should of know he doesn't like being given instructions).

I can't help but feel some parents are enabling a really damaging idea of what it means to be a boy/man in a modern world. Although it does explain how many posts exist on MN of man children who think the women in their lives should bend to their every whim if they've had decades of their own parents encouraging it.

Twowilldo50 · 17/06/2019 19:08

Did he want to go to Prom before this happened? Is he sacrificing his place for someone who is not really a friend?

GreenTulips · 17/06/2019 19:11

Prom and to be paid for, so assuming OP has paid for his ticket then he was going - it’s not a freebe

SpoonOfPeanutButter · 17/06/2019 19:21

The amount of people suggesting that fault lies with the teachers here for simply have social media is baffling.

Why should teachers be held to a higher standards than others? Why are they not entitled to a private life? Why should the actions of students (who are more than capable of making decisions and understanding consequences) be blamed on the teachers?

Bizarre!

As PPs have said, this kind of reasoning is dangerously close to victim blaming.

Monny1 · 17/06/2019 19:24

How did the meeting go op?

StroppyWoman · 17/06/2019 19:26

Damn, 3.5 hours since the OP's meeting and no update.

Doesn't bode well.

Fireinthegrate · 17/06/2019 19:30

Not read the whole thread but I think the teachers are very naive to have used names in instagram that can identify them. I work in a children’s NHS service and our nurses do not use their whole or real names on social media so that children they are working with cannot find them.

I think your son should tell the truth even if it means his friend gets into trouble. He can learn a lesson from this and that is not to let his friends on his phone or tell them his passcode etc.

justasking111 · 17/06/2019 19:32

Some sixth formers did something like this on instagram, mentioning teachers names, think they set up a fake school account, they were caught and suspended. Every parent was contacted telling them how serious it was. I think the police may have been involved.

cricketballs3 · 17/06/2019 19:34

Even when your SM accounts are locked down, people can still send PM to those accounts so PP who are blaming teachers what do you want us to do - hide away from life?

My fb is fully locked down, but I get messages from those not on my friends list (usually members of teaching groups I'm a member of). I have 2 DS whom there are loose connections with students I teach so if they are friends/have mutual friends on fb it takes 2 seconds to find my profile in order to send through a PM

GreenTulips · 17/06/2019 19:36

but I think the teachers are very naive to have used names in instagram

OH never the child’s fault is it?

Yabbers · 17/06/2019 19:37

but not anything derogatory or racist

What a strange clarification to have to make. If someone told me DD had done something similar, it wouldn’t even occur to me that it could be racist comments.

He is playing you. Playing down his part and playing down the messages.

A big - huge part - of being a parent is being your child’s advocate and standing up for them.

Being a parent is supporting them and guiding them. Fighting for them when they have done wrong is not good parenting.

I advocate for DD all the time. I absolutely will not jump to her defence if she has done wrong.

I have never known anyone so quick to assume the worst, to assume that not only is the child lying but that he has a long history of inappropriate behaviour his mother is somehow unaware of.

The son said he couldn’t remember exactly, but then said it was flirty, then said it was that she was the best teacher. You can tell he’s lying because the story changes, and the school wouldn’t investigate “we love you, miss”

You are right though. OP will be well aware of the trouble he’s been in, just blind to the part he played.

slt2b · 17/06/2019 19:44

Tell the truth as you've told it to us.

Lookingforadvice123 · 17/06/2019 19:52

You'll probably find out what the messages said at the meeting!

MIssRant19 · 17/06/2019 21:00

How did it go? Hope you got on okay. Smile

JollyHolly30 · 17/06/2019 21:01

Please come back with an update 🤔

Bugbabe1970 · 17/06/2019 21:02

Just support him in the meeting. You don’t know he full truth so let him just speak for himself. It was his phone, so his responsibility but at the end of the day he’s a kid and kids do stupid things. It’ll be a good lesson for him.
Hope he gets to go to prom

Poloshot · 17/06/2019 21:18

Any update OP?

User3billion · 17/06/2019 21:28

Just here for the update! Halo

gingerpaleandproud · 17/06/2019 21:30

Also waiting for an update. Hope all is ok, OP

Starlight456 · 17/06/2019 21:33

Not good I am guessing since the lack of update

Trudij123 · 17/06/2019 21:40

Hope it went ok OP

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