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AIBU?

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Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/06/2019 00:22

And try not to worry OP I am sure it will be fine. You are doing the right thing. Thanks

BusyLondonMother · 17/06/2019 00:31

I've not read all the comments.

But, OP, assume that your child needs a reference from the school or they want to go back for sixth form. Don't let them take the blame for things they didn't do. Just don't.

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/06/2019 00:36

Good luck OP. The fact that school contacted you over the weekend means that the messages are serious enough for staff to contact school and not wait until Monday - a 'you're my favourite teacher' would not warrant that

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/06/2019 00:37

And that comes from someone who has had pupils contact them with similar things thanks to a now blocked teacher adding kids to her Facebook

TanMateix · 17/06/2019 00:38

It would be difficult for me to cover for my son’s friend, when the friend and his mother are perfectly happy to let my son pay for the other kid’s actions.

If it is something worse than you expected do not let your son’s future be affected, shop the traitor (he is not a friend anyway)

CJsGoldfish · 17/06/2019 00:46

A bunch of drunk teenagers messaging teachers, all complicit but only your son dumb enough to use HIS phone. You have no way of knowing what was said but how can you shift blame when the messages came from your sons phone? He is just as much to blame, more so really. I really do hope for all concerned that the messages really are as 'innocent' as he says and he wasn't too drunk to remember.

It never ever ceases to amaze me how blase parents are about drinking. No, not everyone is doing it. Yes, you can prevent it. No, it's not just 'one of those things' kids will do regardless.

fargo123 · 17/06/2019 02:18

Am I the only person who thinks it's highly unusual that the school have dealt with this over a weekend?

It doesn't necessarily mean anything one way or another that the school has started the investigation over the weekend. Considering most/all of the students have effectively left the school now, there's only a small window of time for the staff to deal with it.

The principal at my kids' school seems to work 25 hours a day, so if the principal of the OP'S school is the same, it'd be unusual for them not to be on to it straight away, and not wait for normal office hours.

LolaSmiles · 17/06/2019 07:07

And actually, it is a teacher's responsibility to not be found on social media (most school's social media policy's state this); if they can be found or contactable on Instagram they haven't done their bit properly either.
Most policies talk about appropriate use of social media and having personal accounts private.
Private as in so people can't view your page/photos etc (which anyone sensible would do anyway). I've never seen a social media policy telling staff they have to use fake names and not be searchable because that would be a totally unreasonable step into someone's private life.
Having social media is perfectly legal. If it's set to private then that's fine and professional. Otherwise we get into the territory of teacher shouldn't be seen enjoying a glass of wine, teacher shouldn't be seen sunbathing at the beach, teacher shouldn't be seen anywhere in their local community in case a student sees them and wants to walk up to them and make an inappropriate comment out of school.

If the account was public, the teacher has been foolish and will probably be reminded of settings. If it's private and they've been searched, it's not on them. The actions of those sending unsolicited flirty messages are the responsibility of those sending them.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/06/2019 07:12

And actually, it is a teacher's responsibility to not be found on social media (most school's social media policy's state this); if they can be found or contactable on Instagram they haven't done their bit properly either.

Still a strawman argument.

Policies generally state that a teacher will have taken all reasonable steps to prevent being found on a search.

it is a teacher's responsibility to not be found

Just putting this out there but how can anyone be responsible for someone else looking them up?

Beesandcheese · 17/06/2019 07:14

I think if you have been contacted over the weekend that the content of the messages was offensive, rather than flirty. I imagine the school has already decided what to do.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 07:18

This is why I do not encourage my DD16 to go to late night parties drinking and I think some of the responsibility is on you for allowing this, sorry.

I would apologise and ask DS to apologise. It’s happened now and in your shoes I would tell him to grovel a bit. It’s tit for tat who did what as he was present and they used his phone even if he didn’t write it, I am mean and would not try to wiggle out of it by blaming someone else but use it as a useful lesson as to what stupidity can come from getting pissed when you are immature
Maybe not a popular view

LolaSmiles · 17/06/2019 07:20

BoneyBackJefferson
Exactly. It's about reasonable.

It's not reasonable to insist on fake names, making it so you can't network with anyone you meet after your account is locked down to no adds.

Having an account set to private is totally reasonable. But then I work in a school where lots of staff send their children, lots of staff live in catchment, have their children at feeder primaries, are involved in sport and churches and hobby groups in the area.

If a student searched me, they'd see a private locked down account. If they do anything inappropriate from that point onwards then that's on them.

mumsneedwine · 17/06/2019 07:24

He needs to say sorry as soon as you go into the meeting. He needs to tell them he accepts responsibility as it was from his phone and it was a group thing that got out of hand. And he needs to make sure they understand he has learned a huge lesson. He needs to say this, not you. And then school might not ban him as they can see he is genuinely sorry. We all make mistakes but it's what we learn from them that counts (hide your phone when drunk !!)

SoupDragon · 17/06/2019 07:26

This is why I do not encourage my DD16 to go to late night parties drinking and I think some of the responsibility is on you for allowing this, sorry.

Of course the responsibility isn't on the OP 🙄

BalloonSlayer · 17/06/2019 07:29

Love the way people on this thread think that if the OP goes in and says "It wasn't DS, it was his friend," the school will say "Oh OK," and just sanction the friend.

Just about EVERYONE says this when their child is in trouble with the school. (99%)

All that might happen is that the other boy could get punished as well. Unless he actually owns up, there is no way your DS will get out of this.

And TBH he was probably roaring with laughter and shouting encouragement while his friend did it.

At least it sounds like it was not malicious, which is good news, and the school is unlikely to hold it against him when it comes to a reference.

ASauvignonADay · 17/06/2019 07:30

I’m really surprised members of teaching staff are on social media that can be accessed by students. Revealing details of private lives is highly risky and is usually discouraged.
There's nothing that says school staff shouldn't be on social media - and you can change your name all you like, kids are pretty savvy and can usually still find you. I don't have any information public and ensure my profile picture is appropriate. That is absolutely not inviting children to try and contact me via it.

I would guess he is minimising. I wonder how bad the message actually were. If I was a teacher attending prom and I'd been sent flirty messages for student, I'd feel REALLY uncomfortable. I think only the school who has their full picture can make a judgment.
Whether I'd want him to tell the whole truth probably depends on how bad the messages were.

rosedream · 17/06/2019 07:34

But her son did it. He allowed someone access to his account and was with him when he wrote the messages.

All that's happened is he's sobered up and regretted it.

Good lesson learnt.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 07:37

@SoupDragon

Oh sorry so the DS is an adult now?
This is why his mummy has been called into his school, because he’s an adult who can legally drink and take responsibility for his own actions or he is a child?

You know that not everyone’s teenager drinks underage and not all parents think it’s normal or ok right?

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/06/2019 07:40

OP has been told to be a parent.

A big - huge part - of being a parent is being your child’s advocate and standing up for them.

Discipline and punishment may work when the child is younger but at 16 and having left school, it takes on a slightly different meaning.

Wolfie, I mean this very genuinely - how old are your children?

I have never known anyone so quick to assume the worst, to assume that not only is the child lying but that he has a long history of inappropriate behaviour his mother is somehow unaware of.

Don’t you ever worry that your own children will stop telling you things? If you don’t trust them, don’t believe them, assume the worst of them and discipline them, they will. They might behave and be compliant now if younger. They will be scared of you. It isn’t a happy way to grow up.

Be a parent yourself. Be kind and start listening Hmm

SoupDragon · 17/06/2019 07:41

Oh sorry so the DS is an adult now?

Where did I say or suggest that? It is not the OP's fault that a bunch of teenagers were stupid.

You know that not everyone’s teenager drinks underage

You know you can legally drink at 16, right? You just can't buy alcohol.

Pinkyyy · 17/06/2019 07:42

I'd be sure to ask during the meeting why 9-10 teachers are so easily accessible on social media?

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/06/2019 07:45

To be honest, in my experience children who are restricted and policed and not allowed to go to parties or drink alcohol or have boyfriends/girlfriends during GCSEs save it up for A levels or university.

A bit of freedom and drinking and silliness is normal and to be honest, good.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 07:49

@SoupDragon

An adult bought them alcohol and adult parents allowed them to go drinking. Something stupid happened. OP as the parent should look at whether her DS is mature enough to behave like an adult - clearly not.

I was a young drinker, no parental rules and it got into a whole heap of trouble. My parents were partly responsible along with ME because there were a distinct lack of rules and accountability. If this was my own 16yo I would take resonsibility for allowing them to drink underage unsupervised and my child to take responsibility for what happened. Instead here you have mothers of boys trying to keep their precious cargo out of trouble.

PookieDo · 17/06/2019 07:51

@continuallychargingmyphone
Firstly this is not actually true and there is only anecdotal parents saying it
And children who drink underage are clearly not mature enough to handle it. Freedom and silliness doesn’t involve being offensive, putting yourself at risk and behaving very childishly

Runmoreorless · 17/06/2019 07:57

Pinkky, really you'd be sure to ask why teacher might like to live similar lives to everyone else , belong to interest groups and keep in touch with old friends and colleagues?

Lots of teachers have an abstract profile picture and most will have locked down profiles so the kids can't actually see anything about them but saying they shouldn't even be there, to prevent young people sending inappropriate messages is pretty close to victim blaming.

Hopefully, the need to deal with it over the weekend is only because decisions need to be made ahead of the prom. If that's the case I'd let the boys deal with the consequences and sort out between themselves how much covering for each other they're prepared to do.

If it's worse it's still absolutely the boys' (and parents'?) responsibility. You can't possibly try and blame the teachers.

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