to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

[jaccyjo]

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

Wow school seem a bit heavy handed. Given the perpetrator came forward, I’d be pretty unhappy that my son was being punished to the same extent. I would let him go to the after party, if you believe he won’t let it happen again.

I think the school is being a bit heavy handed as well if the messages are as you say. Banning from prom ok - but banning from school, essentially excluded?

I’d let him go to the party I think. He’s sorry, he’s tried to make it up.

I wouldn’t reward drunken idiocy with another chance to go out get drunk and celebrate

I don’t have to prevent my 16yo from drinking, I don’t buy it for her and she is collected from parties at a reasonable time. I’ve also taught her a lot about the pitfalls of drinking alcohol and she so far hasn’t correlated that you must be drunk to have fun and has fun without drinking. I wouldn’t actively encourage it like I feel OP is, because there is no consequences except from being banned from a party he wasn’t even bothered about going to

@Wellthatsit
Always an idiot on these threads essentially claiming all Kids are biologically inbuilt to get drunk underage and their parents can’t possibility teach them anything useful and god forbid if their kids don’t go and get drunk we are ‘controlling monsters’ whose DC will fly off the rails into crime and prostitution, and not simply responsible parents with a responsible child. God forbid

Don't be ridiculous AmeriAnne. Most (Ok not quite all) teenagers have been drunk at some stage. Learning from mistakes is what makes the difference between a callow teenager and a responsible member of society . He came home and confessed, it doesn't sound as though he's an out of control, dissolute layabout! This son has learned that there are consequences to a riotous night, apart from the headache.

Hopefully this has made enough impression not to just become something to boast and laugh about, although with his friends he may in the short term to cover his embarrassment.

Well done to the friend!

If he were my son I wouldn’t let him go to the after party either. They are just a way to get drunk after the dry prom. Given that he won’t be at prom so could drink all night if he wanted to and remembering his lack of judgement the last time he drank, keeping him home that night seems a very appropriate punishment. But I was quite a strict parent.

OP, on the basis that the messages were not abusive and offensive I probably would allow him to go to the after party.

I think the punishment is quite harsh but it is what it is.

I would have a good chat about your expectations of him going forward.

But there was no malice aforethought in their action so I wouldn't have this whole end of school period absolutely soured by a silly prank.

I would hope he has learnt a lesson from it.
He certainly doesn't sound like a bad lad.

I'd let him go to the party. He owned up, took his punishment and demonstrated loyalty to a friend.

I agree with previous posters that you ought to tell the school the names of the other kids involved - it's not fair that they don't have any consequences and it's your job to protect your own child and not see him out on a limb for something which wasn't entirely his fault.

I do think the school have gone overboard with this punishment. Am a former teacher and I would have accepted a genuine apology. It's mean to make a child miss their last ever school event over some silly messages that he didn't even send. There ought to be some understanding in a school that children will sometimes behave like children!

I have told my ds(12) about this thread., mostly because I don’t think teens think through there actions .

Always an idiot on these threads...

And there are always lots of "idiots" who are unable to grasp that not banning alcohol doesn't mean you won't raise a responsible child and are not a responsible parent.

I don’t see how the punishment is harsh.

He’s not allowed back into a school he doesn’t attend anymore and isn’t allowed to go to a prom he isn’t bothered about. Did he pay for his own ticket or you? If so would he pay you back?

@SoupDragon

I never said it was banned. It’s not banned. There is never talk of banning anything. It isn’t a big issue, she doesn’t hang around with other kids who drink or do balloons, she knows she doesn’t need to drink to have fun. She knows she isn’t old enough. She hasn’t asked me to buy any so I havent refused and has tasted it at other people’s parties and said it was rank, and I know she’s tasted it at home with either parent and family, and it’s just not a ‘thing’ that is part of her culture to get hold of a bottle of cheap booze and drink it in a park or in someone’s living room. She knows it can be fun but she also knows it can make you sick dizzy and have a headache. She has a job and usually busy weekends so has no desire to lay in bed all day with a hangover. She is going to her prom and has an induction day the next day so isn’t going to an after party because she will be tired and doesn’t want to feel ill.

I don't recall specifically mentioning you.

You quoted me directly.

I took a specific part of the quote where you accused someone of being an idiot and pointed out that there were also idiots on the other side of the argument . Please point out where I said you were one.

He owned up, took his punishment and demonstrated loyalty to a friend.

He had no choice about owning up, the messages came from his account and the school contacted his mother. Nor about taking the punishment, banned is banned, and he seemed to take it for granted the OP would let him go to the after-party anyway. So only loyalty to a friend, and that only up a point because he told his mother it was his friend.

Am a former teacher and I would have accepted a genuine apology.

So what about the apology? Yes he has offered to apologise and he was told to do it in writing. But he hasn't actually done it until he's written the letter(s). No apologies no parties.

And it's a valuable life lesson. Getting drunk and letting people mess with your phone or sending stupid texts that offend many other people is dead easy. Apologising for the mess afterwards is hard work.

I would support the school with their punishment and I would also not allow him to the after party.

I would allow him to go to the party. Everyone makes mistakes. He has owned up to it and taken responsibility for his actions. He sounds like a good kid.

It really depends on what the messages said. If it was just an innocent messaging, nothing degrading, nothing insulting etc. then if he holds his hands up, apologises and admits they had a bit too much to drink and it won't happen again then I think he'll get off with a minor bollocking.

Forgot to add, I work in a school and as long as the student admits and apologises and the incident isn't anything too bad then I imagine DS will still be allowed to go to prom. If the messages were even slightly inappropriate there's a risk of going down the safeguarding rabbit hole

Firstly the head should take issue with teachers who have easily accessible Instagram, twitter, or facebook etc accounts its highly unprofessional and potentially compromising for teachers and is generally a condition of their employment as a professional standard that they do not communicate in this way to pupils or parents. Perhaps ask your son and his friend to see the head and apologise for their behaviour with you their as the adult pointing out the teacher's mistakes in this matter. You may have to do some quick thinking if you find out the messages were obscene or threatening - then perhaps banning from the prom is not that unreasonable for both involved.

Sorry OP, I didn't see your update in the midst of all the messages.

I'd make DS work to go to the after party, as someone has previously suggested, say he cannot go unless he earns it.

He seems like a good kid who made just had a moment of poor judgement.

And please ignore all the posters on here suggesting that it is your fault for letting DS drink at 15. How ridiculous!!! Most kids do it these days, the stuff that goes on with teenagers these days is ludicrous, at least you know where he is OP and isn't lying to you.

Amaryllis, he was willing to take the hit and not drop anyone else in the shit. He was apologetic at the meeting and willing to speak to teachers directly - it was the school who wouldn't allow this. He hasn't argued about his punishment or tried to get out of it.
The worst thing he did was allow his muppet of a friend to send messages from his phone - not the cleverest move but I expect he's not going to do it again having found himself in this situation. You don't need a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

I'd let him go to the party (after he's written the apology letters) but make it clear that it's an opportunity for him to show that he has learnt his lesson about drunken stupidity and that if you aren't satisfied that he has learnt the lesson well enough then there will be no more parties for the foreseeable future.

I think he is a good kid who has been led astray by some idiots. That he didn't give the name of the boy who actually did it shows strength of character even if I would not have blamed him had he done so.

I'm not too happy about this group of "friends". Obviously I know it's not a perfect world out there but he has to learn how to choose his friends and how to stand up to them.

Because of this, I would be tough and say no to the party. I think it will be alcohol fuelled anyway. I would explain it is simply to bring home to him that his choice of friends and inability to stop them doing something bad on his phone is the reason he's not going to the party. He has to grow up a bit and learn to be unpopular but stick to his principles. Very hard. Life is tough. I don't envy kids today. Wishing him lots of luck and hoping his results are what he wants.