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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report DS' friend to the school (without his permission)

361 replies

jaccyjo · 16/06/2019 15:49

In a bit of a nightmare scenario with DS. He finished his GCSEs on Friday and went to a party with his mates.
Next day he comes home and I could tell he was really panicky and not himself. It turns out when they were out they had looked up some teachers on instagram and DS' friend had messaged some teachers off my son's account ...... !!!! DS has been panicking and saying he's probably going to get banned from his prom and leavers assembly etc.

I have just had an email from his head of year asking me to come in tomorrow for a meeting. I can only imagine it's about this as DS has now effectively left. None of the teachers replied but I imagine they have reported it. DS is willing to take the flack but I feel I should report who it was that sent the messages. I know it's true that it wasn't my son as I've spoken to the lad who did it. However DS is saying he doesn't care about prom anyway and he will just go to afterparty . His friends Mum is not helping as she says she has already spent £200 on her son's suit and if he gets banned from prom it will be a waste of her money!

My DS really doesn't want me to report his friend. He says they were all drunk and he allowed it to happen. What should I do?

OP posts:
AmeriAnn · 18/06/2019 01:25

All the people who are moaning about the parents letting their DCs get drunk - how do you suggest the parents prevent this?

For a start you tell them it is wrong and tell them why it's wrong. The OP is 'cool' with it and so she is teaching her son he should continue to do it.

Her son stayed out ALL night and he's only 16! She was okay with this as well.

You tell them to be home by a certain time and when they come in at that time you are there to greet them. Ask them if they had fun. You know their friends and their friend's parents. You show your children you love them and want them to succeed. Be proud of them. You do family activist together when they are little and continue into adulthood. Lead by example. Just the basics really.

AmeriAnn · 18/06/2019 01:27

In terms of his drinking, I know it's not ideal but i think most teenagers at the end of their GCSEs are probably having a few drinks at parties... forgive me for not being a parent who has banned him doing that

teenmum1 · 18/06/2019 01:35

Ameriann - If you live somewhere like me - in rural UK, it is quite common for kids to go to parties and arrange to sleepover at someone else's house because there is actually no way for them to get home after about 10.30pm unless you are prepared to drive 15 miles each way to collect them. Saying that your DC spent the whole night out at a party is not a proper description of the situation.

CJsGoldfish · 18/06/2019 01:39

My question now is whether to let him go to the prom after party?! On one hand I think he has suffered enough but am I being too soft and really I shouldn't let him go considering all this?

Yes, another pissup sounds like the perfect idea Confused

CJsGoldfish · 18/06/2019 01:49

Women end up with awful men in their lives because the men they have fallen for are awful. Are you seriously saying it's the men's mothers fault? Jeez
Someone has parented these men before they were men. Awful men rarely just 'become' awful men. So whilst women may 'fall' for awful men, modelling and/or permissive parenting definitely can play a part in both those who are awful and those who choose awful. Not sure why it's such a contentious statement

herculepoirot2 · 18/06/2019 05:55

I would let him go but he wouldn’t be allowed to drink. We would be putting his emerging habit of getting sloshed in reverse.

Pinkyyy · 18/06/2019 06:07

An overreaction if you ask me. Banning him from seeing the teachers, even to apologise, is a bit much. The messages were silly, but not really anything sinister.

Rtruth · 18/06/2019 06:20

Hmm tough one.

On one hand I see you need to protect your sons integrity.
On the other you have knowledge it’s very rare to get the whole truth and not just your sons version of the situation.

I guess I would be asking, have you seen content of messages?
If you tell truth your admitting your son was drunk!
How confident are you he didn’t send them but being egged on by friend.

Realistically, if messages are not too bad, you could say “he told me, he was with group of older friends and they had a a drink and his phone was used without his knowledge.” He will no doubt be in trouble but also doesn’t blame anyone in particular.

If messages are unknown (which would concern me greatly) I’d say your son was in or you above and knows who it was involved, but doesn’t want to say as he knows what’s happened is wrong and as his bad judgement led to this, he feels responsible. Then if you find out content, it’s your call.

However if you ruin your child’s friendship, even if one like this, you will have to deal with very upset teen.

Oblomov19 · 18/06/2019 06:39

I can see how this all happened. I see the punishment as fitting. How can the other boys involved have got off Scott free though? Doesn't seem fair.

LolaSmiles · 18/06/2019 06:54

Peopleshouldread
I do understand social media. The comparison to day to day life absolutely matters. You (and others) are placing the responsibility not to receive inappropriate messages on the recipient to ensure nobody finds them. But nobody would (hopefully) start telling people they should avoid certain places not to get yelled at, avoid going to a club because you need to take responsibility not to get groped.
Oblomov19
Because there is no proof they did anything. At the end of the day the messages came from one person's phone

OP
I'd be wary of allowing another piss up so soon after an issue caused by excessive drinking.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/06/2019 07:10

Peopleshouldread
If you can't find such an account in the first place.......

To paraphrase you

'To me this shows you do not completely understand privacy and security in relation to social media.'

But here is the thing, I understand the need for teachers, police etc. not to post pictures that would cause offence or get them in to trouble.

But the rest is putting the onus on the victim to stop idiots from finding and posting on their social media.

Again its time to stop blaming people for the actions of others.

SoupDragon · 18/06/2019 07:15

The OP has never bothered to tell her 16 yr old son that staying out all night drunk off his arse with his drunken friends is a bad thing to do and so he will do the same thing to his wife and his wife will be complaining on MN about him

Does that also go for girls or do their uteruses protect them from turning into arseholes? Or could it be that other values instilled in them during their upbringing so this... let me think 🤔

SoupDragon · 18/06/2019 07:18

Her son stayed out ALL night and he's only 16!

As a PP said, have you never heard of a sleepover? Both DSs regularly stayed at a friend's house after a party.

Fibbke · 18/06/2019 07:40

16 year old dd stayed out all night last night and drink was involved (party and they stayed over), for balance. Mostly girls, a few boys.

Fibbke · 18/06/2019 07:42

Fwiw the party was a 50 minute drive away and no public transport
I'm actually delighted as she gets anxious staying away from home and this is the first time she's ever stayed over without a panic attack! Off topic sorry OP

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/06/2019 07:44

Hi jaccyjo, I'm glad the messages were not so bad after all. Teenagers, eh?

My question now is whether to let him go to the prom after party

Think strategy. Tell DS he isn't going to the afterparty because you are furious and disgusted. But maybe, if he really tries to put things right, you will relent. Tell DS he has to spend today writing quality apology letters to every staff member who got one of those stupid messages, plus a letter of contrition to the head of year. He can take them to the school office tomorrow morning.

Then cross your fingers. Do not say this to him, but with luck the apologies will be accepted, the school will relent and he'll be able to attend the assembly or even the prom. If they don't, then you still have the opportunity to say, well he tried to do the right thing so the after-party is on.

Never waste a good threat!

sashh · 18/06/2019 07:45

An overreaction if you ask me. Banning him from seeing the teachers, even to apologise, is a bit much. The messages were silly, but not really anything sinister.

Why should the teachers make time to see these two boys? They have enough work to do, a letter is a much better alternative.

OP

Thanks for the update. I have to say your ds's friend sounds like he is more sensible than his mother, it would not have been easy for him.

GreenTulips · 18/06/2019 07:46

You reap what you sow. It's our responsibly to raise good men. Shocking that I even have to tell you that!!

Actually both boys told the truth, both boys accepted their punishment. They didn’t lie about the situation, they owned up.

Women end up with awful men in their lives because the men they have fallen for are awful

The woman also need relationship advice, quite often they don’t know any different and just accept that’s how it is. Until they wake up and are too involved to walk away.

Fibbke · 18/06/2019 07:47

Maybe suggest you personally pick him up from after party at reasonably sensible time plus get him to leave his phone at home to avoid further mishaps

This

IncrediblySadToo · 18/06/2019 07:48

If the worst if the messages was actually mrX do you fancy Ms Y then I think they’re over reacting I’m not a teacher, but I’m known to a lot of kids in the same way. I don’t ‘do’ SM but if I did, messages like that wouldn’t bother me. Sounds like a massive over reaction to me

I used to babysit for several of my teachers, I’m sure that would be frowned upon these days 🙄

My ‘after prom’ is one of my best senior school years memories,so I’d let him go. Hopefully he’s learnt a lesson here to be careful with his phone & alcohol.

I drank at his age but never got bladdered as alcohol had never been some big deal maybe he needs some guidance or taught some self control around alcohol.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/06/2019 08:09

I drank at his age but never got bladdered as alcohol had never been some big deal maybe he needs some guidance or taught some self control around alcohol.

Thing is, he needs to feel some consequences to learn the self control. And banning him from prom is about the only consequence that the school can still exert. As for his mother, how else is she supposed to "guide" him? Lecturing him doesn't help. Whatever she may think privately herself, saying oh poor you the school is overreacting, is the exact opposite of teaching him self control. It's teaching him to make excuses and blame others.

I wouldn't be letting him go to the after-party before he's apologised to each and every one of those teachers. In writing, as the school required. That's a lesson in self control and it's guidance about not getting bladdered Grin

Wolfiefan · 18/06/2019 08:13

I’m not sure I would let him go. He’s shown his judgement is poor about drinking and behaviour when drinking. Ditto his mates. There is likely to be lots of alcohol around.
Can’t believe some people think these messages are fine.

Perky1 · 18/06/2019 08:37

Jaccyjo Please give all the names of boys involved especially the one who composed and sent the messages on you sons phone. He and his mother do not care one bit for your son and it’s your job to care for yours. Your son might take the flack for something sexual. Maybe the other boy bullies him and he’s kept it quiet. His mother is happy to throw your son to the wolves. I think you need to write an honest email to the school explaining exactly what appears to have happened. Good luck x

SoupDragon · 18/06/2019 08:38

Perky1 maybe read the whole thread or at least the OP's updates.

Wellthatsit · 18/06/2019 08:43

You DS sounds like he's a good kid deep down. He had the guts to take the flack, and not drop his friend in it, and also the grace to apologise and face the teachers. I would let him go to the after party.
To all the just people saying you shouldn't have let your 16-yr-old get drunk: get real! Either you are an overbearing, overly controlling parent whose kids will be secretly getting up to no good behind your back, or are terrified to express themselves, or you don't have teenagers. Making miistakes is an effective way for people to learn.