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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think there’s anyway forward from this

76 replies

DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 02:40

I’m currently in shock. Discovered my “perfect” husband (been together 6 years) was having an affair whilst I was pregnant, for several months after our baby was born and whilst we were planning our wedding. He put a stop to it a couple of months before we married

This was all 3 years ago but has come out today. I thought we were always really happy, great sex life still, affectionate etc etc

He’s saying it was because I had a difficult pregnancy and he couldn’t make me more worried by talking to me about his fears for the baby so turned to a girl at work got support and one thing led to another.

I can’t see how I can move on from this but we have our 3 year old and my 9 year old loves him like a dad and has already been through this once before

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

PatricksRum · 16/06/2019 02:42

So sorry OP.
Your pregnancy was difficult so he required support elsewhere?
You and dcs deserve better.
I couldn't get past that. You were at your lowest, I wouldn't be able to trust him.

HarleyS · 16/06/2019 02:57

How did you find out?

Sausages18 · 16/06/2019 03:02

I’m so sorry. Sending you a hug

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2019 03:06

So basically he's blaming you for having a difficult pregnancy and that's the reason he had to put his penis in another woman. What a prince.

He WILL cheat again.

Birdie6 · 16/06/2019 03:12

Wow. You had a difficult pregnancy so he had an affair. Sorry OP, I know what it's like. I doubt that you can repair this - it's all about him and his needs . He won't change I'm afraid.

PregnantSea · 16/06/2019 03:14

Why has it come out today? Did he tell you off his own back?

steff13 · 16/06/2019 03:15

I wouldn't want to be with someone who I couldn't trust when times get hard. I'm sorry, that's so hard. ☹️

Original poster

DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 03:20

He didn’t tell me, I lost some photos on a Mac update and he had them saved on his login so I went to get them and saw pics, then looked further into it.

I’m now getting maybe it was because we were planning our wedding and that he knew that would be it then forever. And they only had oral sex not full sex so he justified to himself it was ok.

I hate him and love him at the same time. He’s the one I want to comfort me whilst making my skin crawl at the thought.

OP posts:

Philmitchell · 16/06/2019 03:24

Im sorry, I don’t have anything to to say other than that.

Durgasarrow · 16/06/2019 03:54

That's just terrible, I'm so sorry, his excuse is ridiculous.

Beautiful3 · 16/06/2019 05:45

That's awful. How can you ever trust him again?

Limpshade · 16/06/2019 06:01

"I’m now getting maybe it was because we were planning our wedding and that he knew that would be it then forever."

There is nothing to "get". His behaviour was not logical or understandable. There is not an equation that reads, Impending Commitment + Pregnant Spouse = Cheating. Personally the "only oral sex" story sounds like bollocks to me, therefore not only did he cheat on you but he didn't come clean about it until confronted (as you say, years later!) and is continuing to lie because he believes it's in the past and should be left there. What else don't you know about that you haven't yet happened to discover by chance?

I'm so sorry, OP, it's an awful situation to be in. I'm not sure I could move on from this, but it sounds as though you have already decided to continue the relationship. If that's the case, I'd suggest some counselling. You have the right to air your grievances with him and doing it with a third party on hand might help it to be not so damaging.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 16/06/2019 06:07

He’ll come up with all sorts of excuses as to why it happened, all designed to provoke a bit of sympathy for him, but the truth is he did it because he wanted to and he could.

It might be possible to get over it (many have) but it will be a long hard slog. Years of tears, anger and soul searching with no guarantees other than you will never forget what he did. Up to you if you want to attempt forgiveness. Good luck.

Original poster

DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 06:16

I didn’t mean getting as in I’m understanding - I meant that’s the excuse he was giving

OP posts:

tympanic · 16/06/2019 06:19

What.An.Asshole.

You know what, OP. My husband has managed to turn the blame on me to excuse his shitty behaviour many times too (most recently told me he had fucked off to get drunk immediately after I told him I had just been sexually assaulted by a friend, effectively leaving me sitting in my flat for reality to set in alone because he was “so angry and didn’t know what to do”).

It’s the lowest of the low. So next time you get sick, have work trouble, death in the family etc etc that will give him a free pass to put his dick in someone else in order to cope, will it? Poor him. What a load of wank. It’s one thing to cheat. Another thing entirely to cheat for an extended period, at a time when your wife needs you the most, have zero remorse about it and come up with such a bloody crap excuse and expect to get away with it. I’d tell you to leave but I know it’s easier said than done. I hope you do leave anyway. You deserve so much better than this.

Limpshade · 16/06/2019 06:44

That's even worse, OP. I can't believe he is trying to excuse this. It really is inexcusable.

Forget him for a minute. What do you want? Do you want to forgive him?

hidinginthenightgarden · 16/06/2019 06:51

Has he actually apologised? Grovelled? Showed any remorse for what he has done or just made excuses?
I believe you can get past infedelity if you both really want to.
Only way to find that out I think is some space between you for a few weeks so you can think straight.

Angelf1sh · 16/06/2019 06:56

Well I wouldn’t forgive it. I deserve better than that and I would never be able to trust him again, especially if anything difficult ever happened.

speakout · 16/06/2019 07:06

I wouldn't want to move on from this.

Staying together for the sake of the children means you are mnot living an authentic life. it is a fake structure, kids are too important to be palmed off with a pretend happy family.
This will shape their world view and give them a skewed model for their own future relationships.

Ditch the rat and live your life with authenticity.

rwalker · 16/06/2019 07:11

I don't really think this is something you can ask advice on it's such a personal thing. Some people do get over things like this I know 2 couples but all you will get in people on hear saying no you can't.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/06/2019 07:17

It is possible to move on from this, lots of people do, but it will be a long long road, and your relationship with him will never be the same again.

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 07:18

I think that some people get through it but a number of things strike me here.

He's blaming you, the pregnancy that's all so bloody wrong. He was stressed because of that so he allowed another women to give him blow jobs? It's not your fault any of it and he needs to stop with this shot.

I don't believe it was only oral sex, even if it was, to me oral sec is way more intimate than PIC. So that as a defence is ridiculous.

He's not owning his mistake, he's trying to defend it. That's totally unreasonable and no way can it move forward with that attitude.

It's obvious from your post how truly shocked and devastated you are and I'm so sorry you've got to go through this.

Initially I'd ask him to leave, you need to get some headspace to think clearly.

for you.

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 07:21

@tympanic that's a very sad post to read, I'm sorry for your assault and so sorry for the awful treatment by your ex. The thought of you sitting alone after that makes me feel sick.

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 07:21

PIV not PIC

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/06/2019 07:22

What a horrible situation. And he is almost certainly still lying to you about "only" having had oral sex - that is not remotely likely to be true.

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