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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think there’s anyway forward from this

76 replies

DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 02:40

I’m currently in shock. Discovered my “perfect” husband (been together 6 years) was having an affair whilst I was pregnant, for several months after our baby was born and whilst we were planning our wedding. He put a stop to it a couple of months before we married

This was all 3 years ago but has come out today. I thought we were always really happy, great sex life still, affectionate etc etc

He’s saying it was because I had a difficult pregnancy and he couldn’t make me more worried by talking to me about his fears for the baby so turned to a girl at work got support and one thing led to another.

I can’t see how I can move on from this but we have our 3 year old and my 9 year old loves him like a dad and has already been through this once before

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 16/06/2019 09:05

*At YOUR most vulnerable that should have said

Mommmytobe19 · 16/06/2019 09:13

So so sorry to hear this!

I wouldn’t really believe it was oral sex for all that time, so he may have lied to you further.

It’s hard to forgive but it will always be lurking in the back of your mind every time he goes on a work night out etc etc

Best thing tell him to pack his stuff and go to his mums because you need time to properly think and won’t be able to do it whilst he’s there chiming in

Hope you’re okay

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 16/06/2019 09:14

Sorry OP, but I highly doubt that's as far as it went. He's disgusting and that would be the end for me.

kateandme · 16/06/2019 09:31

your not making your son go through this again.your being the onderful protective mum by saving him from this again.you and your dc deserve better than this weakling.

kateandme · 16/06/2019 09:33

MyNewBearTotoro brilliant brilliant post.

smallereveryday · 16/06/2019 09:34

Many many marriages survive affairs. Some are even made stronger from them. This may or may not be what you ultimately want but just bare in mind MN is very black & white on the issue of infidelity, whereas real life is much more complicated.

Neither choice , to stay in the marriage or to leave , is 'braver' 'stronger' or 'easier' than the other. Both choices are really hard and life changing. Both choices need you to have the time to process your decision. Now is the time for him to enable you to do this by stepping up with the childcare, allowing you to get some rl adult support to talk through your options.

BarbedBloom · 16/06/2019 09:35

I'm so sorry OP, but I am another one who would not believe it was only oral sex for that length of time, especially with the photos. Who gets naked that many times and doesn't have sex? Before you decide what you are going to do you need the whole truth. Another nail is the fact you would never have known otherwise as he wouldn't have confessed so he is able to carry on and end an affair without any real remorse, further evidenced by the fact he is blaming you

Alsohuman · 16/06/2019 09:40

What @smallereveryday said in spades. The MN hive rips up marriages at the drop of a hat which is very easy when it’s not your marriage. I’ve known marriages survive an affair and emerge stronger, only you can decide if yours is one of them.

TwoShades1 · 16/06/2019 09:54

I’m currently having a really hard pregnancy, pretty sure it’s not making my partner feel the need to receive oral sex from another woman?! I know he has talked to mates/work colleagues about how it’s been for him as he obviously feels he can’t really vent to me, as it’s definitely harder for me than him. But I don’t expect him to have an affair.

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 10:01

What @smallereveryday said in spades. The MN hive rips up marriages at the drop of a hat which is very easy when it’s not your marriage. I’ve known marriages survive an affair and emerge stronger, only you can decide if yours is one of them.

I hardly think this is a drop of a hat? So you really think so?

speakout · 16/06/2019 10:04

OP he lied to you and he is still lying to you about the extent of the affair.

He is a rat.

Original poster
DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 10:13

I’m just feeling broken.

OP posts:
EvilHerbivore · 16/06/2019 10:30

What were the pictures of?

Graphista · 16/06/2019 10:36

"And they only had oral sex not full sex" aye right!

You found out by accident NOT by him telling you - chances are if you hadn't he NEVER would have told you. Also means he's an excellent liar that you didn't even suspect.

When you did find out he

Blamed you (is he going to have an affair every time your relationship goes through something tough? Because that's part of life!)

Lied more

Minimised (bullshit it was only oral - cheaters script they only tell you what they can't deny/is already proven)

This happened at a time when most people are completely loved up and focused on their partner/spouse.

You can't trust him.

IF he'd held his hands up, apologised, admitted the full facts and agreed to whatever you needed to move forward MAYBE you (plural) could have got through this, but as he's doing none of that he's showing no remorse and is highly likely to do it again - if that affair isn't still actually ongoing.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 16/06/2019 10:48

I’m so sorry op. Even if what he was saying is correct, that he was so scared for your pregnancy and the baby that he turned to someone for support, that doesn’t explain why he had sex with her repeatedly and for months on end.

It might explain (to an extent) a one off mistake where support turned into sex once, which he completely regretted and he stopped any contact with her. But not an affair which went on for months over your pregnancy, whilst you had a newborn and whilst planning your wedding. Bloody hell

Whatever you decide to do op, leave or stay, it’s going to be really hard for you. Flowers

smallereveryday · 16/06/2019 10:52

Wether he has had Oral sex or PIV is entirely irrelevant . You do not need to know unless it actually makes a difference to you. (As in - you KNOW you would not end your marriage over Oral Sex but would over PIV). It's an unnecessarily painful issue to focus on and achieves nothing if this is not your 'red line'. !
Let's face it - he has been unfaithful. The nitty gritty is just physical geography. It's what was going through his thought process whilst you were pregnant with his child and planning your wedding that is important. Not the precise location of his dick whilst he was thinking this..

You need to have some thinking time to focus on the stuff you really need to think about. Can you forgive or is this a deal breaker.?

I do not subscribe to the MN mantra of 'tell him to leave while you work things out '. Why the hell does he get to cause devastating emotional turmoil and get time on his own whilst you have the kids/house/work .. no he does kids you go for a few days ..

theWarOnPeace · 16/06/2019 10:54

I’m just feeling broken.

Oh OP I bet you are. I feel so awful for you. I’ve only had this happen pre-DH, pre-kids, and even then I felt like I’d been run over. You must be feeling 1000x worse. Is there anywhere you can go to get a bit of a break and clear your mind? Friends or family?

speakout · 16/06/2019 10:58

Wether he has had Oral sex or PIV is entirely irrelevant .

I think it is very relevant.

Both are cheating of course, but in his denial of the PIV sex it shows he is still lying, not prepared to admit the whole truth.
Even when the affair came to light and knowing damage will be done he still will not admit the truth.

He lied then and he is still lying now, and likely to lie in he future.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/06/2019 11:03

He lied, deceived and hurt you. Now that you know the extent of his bullshit he still continues to hurt and lie. Those aren't the actions of someone trying to salvage your marriage, he's just covering his own arse.

Ultimately nobody here can tell you if it's worth staying. Only you know that. But the Relationships board is filled with women who've experienced similar at some point and their advice, support and honesty will help you make the right choices for you and your DC.

Whatsername7 · 16/06/2019 11:03

What smallereveryday said. Once you have decided what you want to do, you might want to go the counciling route. Im my opinion, I would ask him to leave. He needs to feel like he has lost everything (which is no less than he deserves) and you need your space. Give yourself time to decide. Relate are really helpful if you need someone to talk to.

Alsohuman · 16/06/2019 12:03

Once again I agree with @smallereveryday. The form the sex took is a complete red herring, the issue is that it happened.

Take some time to process this and, if possible, talk it through with someone whose judgement you trust. Only you can decide where you go from here and only someone who really knows you and has your best interests at heart can help you.

HarleyS · 16/06/2019 12:25

This is very good advice.
It's not as simple as stay or leave
No reasonable person will judge you either way OP.

HarleyS · 16/06/2019 12:27

Smallereveryday's advice

daisychain01 · 16/06/2019 17:56

@tympanic Ever heard of “boiling frog syndrome”?

Well yes, but the frog isn't aware of what's happening and by the time it does, it's too late. You now do know and even if years of the dripping tap have gone by, it isn't too late. You still have the present and the future.

user1471449295 · 16/06/2019 18:17

He’s deflecting and blaming you. He had an affair whilst you were at your most vulnerable, and carried it on through wedding planning. Then the arshole wants to blame it on your difficult pregnancy. You deserve more.
And it wasn’t just oral. They will say ‘it was just flirting’, then ‘it was just a kiss’, ‘it was just a blowjob’, ‘we only fucked the one time, it meant nothing’. They will admit to the bare minimum they can get away with.
Incidentally, on a personal level, oral sex is just as bad if not worse. It’s so intimate. And I would assume it wasn’t only him getting oral

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