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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think there’s anyway forward from this

76 replies

DisneyMillie · 16/06/2019 02:40

I’m currently in shock. Discovered my “perfect” husband (been together 6 years) was having an affair whilst I was pregnant, for several months after our baby was born and whilst we were planning our wedding. He put a stop to it a couple of months before we married

This was all 3 years ago but has come out today. I thought we were always really happy, great sex life still, affectionate etc etc

He’s saying it was because I had a difficult pregnancy and he couldn’t make me more worried by talking to me about his fears for the baby so turned to a girl at work got support and one thing led to another.

I can’t see how I can move on from this but we have our 3 year old and my 9 year old loves him like a dad and has already been through this once before

I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

Happyspud · 16/06/2019 07:23

He’s already put a nail in the coffin with how he explained it all. This is definitely definitely a man who will do it again. I think you need to get your head together, make plans and leave him. He’s a bad egg. You will live to regret it if you stay.

Bigmango · 16/06/2019 07:28

I’m so sorry OP. I can’t even imagine.

I’m also thinking, what else don’t you know? I’d start digging.

RedHelenB · 16/06/2019 07:30

You need to ge honest with yourself Dows your love for him/ need to be with him mean that you can put up with his cheating.
I think the natural reaction when you first find out and are still in love is to want to get things back to " normal" but the lack of respect comes to be key.

sadkoala · 16/06/2019 07:40

Wow what a vile creature he is.
YOUR pregnancy was hard so HE had to stick his dick in someone else multiple times over the course of months even once your baby was here! Sick.
Oh and now it's the wedding excuse!
What a prince among men!

And he wouldn't have admitted anything if you didnt find out.

Also I wouldn't buy the just oral sex thing for one second. Ridiculous.

KatherineJaneway · 16/06/2019 07:42

So either you were having sex less often and / or the attention was off him so he used that as an excuse for an affair.

And they only had oral sex not full sex

I don't believe that for a minute.

I'd have to divorce him. Life can be really tough, when he hits hard times again, will he do the same thing again using the same justification?

daisychain01 · 16/06/2019 07:43

People does get over it, but it puts 100% of the onus on the cheated-on partner to be forced to accept living with an arsehole.

Only you can decide if you're able to pay such a high price. The cheater never really carries a burden of guilt, they get off scott-free and it very very often enables them to do it again.

Toodeloo · 16/06/2019 07:43

Personally, after all this time, had he really regretted having done it, I would expect there NOT to be any reminders in form of pics etc still to be on his computer. That’s the thing that would make me worry for the future.

Skyejuly · 16/06/2019 07:48

You deserve more! He is a knob.

Kneehighinshit · 16/06/2019 07:49

Please don't raise your 9 year old to believe this is an acceptable way to treat others and what a 'happy relationship' looks like. He may not be fully aware of the situation bit he is growing up day to day watching you both.

WineGummyBear · 16/06/2019 07:52

So sorry OP. Awful for you. You are thinking all about how this will affect your children. Meanwhile he's somehow blaming your pregnancy for his lies and deceit.

He's not the man you thought. He has put his wants way ahead of you and your children.

You deserve so much better.

theWarOnPeace · 16/06/2019 07:55

The affair is awful, in and of itself, but to indirectly blame you?! Your pregnancy made him lie for months including what must have been a very scary time for you too. I couldn’t cope with that level of heartlessness and deceit. What an absolute piece of shit.

tympanic · 16/06/2019 08:09

@boobirdblue Thanks. It happened a long time ago. Years later I brought it up and he angrily told me it was my fault the assault had happened. Brought it up again recently and he still has no remorse. Why am I with this man...

KnifeAngel · 16/06/2019 08:20

Don't stay with him OP. If you do you are giving him a free pass to do it again when times get difficult.

OKBobble · 16/06/2019 08:23

He has kept photos!!! Why?

daisychain01 · 16/06/2019 08:24

Why am I with this man...

It's sad that you have to ask yourself that question and not take action to change your life for the better.

GrumpyOHara · 16/06/2019 08:34

So he's shown you that in hard times he runs to other women. If he does it once - at your happiest time, just before your wedding - I'd be worried he will do it again. Just before your wedding is when most couples are most in love and if he can cheat then will you be able to trust him in the future? I'm not sure I would but you have to go for what you believe.

pictish · 16/06/2019 08:36

Well fuck me...I’ve heard some slimy excuses for poor behaviour in my time...and his is up there amongst the worst.
He cheated on you because your difficult pregnancy caused him to turn to a girl at work. Oh my God.

I’d be madder at the piss-poor, self-serving bullshit he’s pedalling in which he manages to implicate you and make himself the victim. He didn’t fuck her because of your difficult pregnancy, he shagged her during your difficult pregnancy because the opportunity arose and he wanted to.
The oily bastard could at least own it. Fuck sake.

BarbarianMum · 16/06/2019 08:45

Wow! Lets hope nothing happens during the remainder of your marriage to make him stressed or upset eh? Problems w the kids, you getting sick, he loses his job ...and off he goes to fuck someone else.

How could ypu live like that?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 16/06/2019 08:46

You may get past it if he had apologised and grovelled, but he has shifted the blame to you.

You may get past it if you could trust him, but he is still lying to you. Of course they had sex.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/06/2019 08:48

The Scottish highlands for me..

My dh is a biker and one of his favourite roads is up there. He's said I'm to strap the ashes to the back of my bike and let them go whilst riding his favourite road

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2019 08:48

You can no longer trust him and that will never change.

He is deceitful, entitled, untrustworthy, disloyal, selfish.

He is not someone to share your life with. He is not a role model for your children.

Sorry OP

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/06/2019 08:48

I'm an idiot, wrong thread, sorry OP

tympanic · 16/06/2019 08:49

@daisychain01 Ever heard of “boiling frog syndrome”?

mango373 · 16/06/2019 08:55

I agree with everyone else .
He is not the person you thought.He will never be honest /faithful. He only says he regrets it because he got found out

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/06/2019 09:04

An affair is not ‘one thing leading to another.’ It’s not a silly mistake or accident that takes the man by surprise.

An affair is planned and prolonged. An affair is something a man continues even though he will have thought 10 times a day that it’s wrong and that he shouldn’t be doing it. Your husband will have repeatedly thought ‘this could end my marriage.’ ‘If I’m caught I won’t get to be there for my new baby.’ ‘DisneyMillie will be devastated if she finds out.’ ‘I’m lying to my fiancé/ wife.’ He wil have repeatedly had those thoughts and ultimately decided he didn’t care about you or his family, that sex was more important. He will have had 100 chances to get out of it or end it but decided not to. He will have repeatedly gone home to youafyer being with her and looked you in the eyes and lied to you, helped plan the wedding or talked about baby names or cradled your newborn all whilst he still had her lipstick on his dick. That is not a man who puts his wife or child before himself and if he could do it once whilst you were pregnant/ with a newborn and at his most vulnerable he can easily do it again.

Sorry, but in my opinion that kind of deceipt and complete lack of respect or regard for you as a human being would be a dealbreaker for me and there’s no way I would forgive.

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