Or does he have a point?

[RecoveringChocaholic]

So, my DH and I have not been getting on for some time and during a particular argument a year or so ago I told him that even my mum was surprised at how little he helps me. It was a comment my mum made shortly after our DS arrived. My DH is not very helpful around the house nor does he give much emotional support. He works 60 hour weeks (including a long commute) and sees that as his contribution. And yes, financially he has been supporting us through maternity leave. I have contributed as much as I can but obviously he's been paying the lion's share. He does not however take on any of the childcare and only very little of the house work. I do remember an argument we had when DS was a couple of weeks old and I asked DH to take him out for an hour so that I could get some much needed sleep. He told me that wasn't possible as he couldn't do any more than he already did. He worked to provide a roof over our head, he didn't have the energy to do more. My mum's comment came from that time.
I should never have told him what she said, but I did and he now brings it up at every opportunity. My mum has offered to talk to him, clear the air and start afresh. He won't have any of it. Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off. All sorts of vile threats. I'm stuck somewhere between. I don't think my mum was unreasonable with her comments and her subsequent offer to speak to him. I shouldn't have shared her comments with him, but it's too late for that. What do you think? Does he have a point that she has spoken out of turn and should have kept her nose out of our marriage? I love my DM dearly and she's been a great support to me. She lives in another country so we don't see much of her anyway, but my husband now doesn't want her to visit and he's not happy with me taking the kids for more than a couple of days. I recently took them for a week which he reluctantly agreed to. This is causing me a real headache. I want to take the kids for another week while I'm still on mat leave with DD. It's my sisters wedding coming up. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't seem happy about me going for more than a couple of days either.
Sorry for the long rambling post...

She's your mum and she's worried about you. She's entitled to her view and he needs to man up and accept she's hit a nerve. His controlling behaviour is a massive red flag to me. Please don't let him isolate you from your family.

Go and perhaps you should stay he sounds abusive

Does he have a point? Threatening to physically attack your mum?
I can not imagine anything or any point that would merit that kind of reaction tbh.
Is he ordinarialy angry?

He's behaving like an arse, I'm afraid. Since when does working long hours mean you don't have to contribute at home? Your mum was perfectly within her rights to call him out on it and if I was your mum I'd have said the same. His comments about her are totally unacceptable!

I think you need to re- read your post. Then perhaps go and stay with your mum for above a week and have a think about your future with this chap

No, he doesn't have a point.

He's a selfish, lazy, abusive prick.

Please God, I hope my daughter never meets a man like your dh.

Your mom has done nothing wrong here and your DH sounds vile.

Maybe you shouldn't have said what she said to him, but he definitely should be doing more to help you.
Ok he works 60 hour weeks but parenting is 24/7 so why should he get away with not helping share the load?!

Good lord, he sounds horrendous.

Why are you with such a pig?

Sounds unbearable. How do you live with someone who has so little respect for you?
You do realise you don’t have to stay or put up with someone who thinks you’re so worthless he won’t even let you have 60 minutes rest.
What a waste.

Is there some cultural differences here? Because he sounds abusive, and if you're from another country then maybe there's a cultural aspect of him being allowed to behave that way?
I apologise if that's totally wrong... but I just don't see why else your stay with a man who could say things like that, do no parenting, give no support.

You should go. And don't come back to him.

You need to get away from him ASAP. You deserve so much more. If anyone threatened my mum (let alone my own husband) I would remove them from my life immediately!

You need re read your post and imagine if it one of your children talking about their relationship. Your Mother stated a fact - he doesn't help with his own children and hasn't done any child care. His bitter angry bile is totally uncalled for.

He is controlling and nasty.

So his 60 hour weeks include his commute? So basically he works a normal full time job that he has a long commute to (like many other parents). I love my commute as I get to sit and listen to the radio in peace.
He sounds abusive and like he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your mum to remove some of your support.
When he is home childcare and housework should be split 50/50

Thank you guys. You're already making me feel better. I was really beginning to doubt myself and I'm usually quite a sensible person. I suppose he's probably just getting into my head.
No cultural differences. I suppose I've always stuck around as I keep telling myself he's not well. He hasn't always been like this, but he's unhappy with life and everything. He's letting it out on me mostly. But I find it unacceptable that he is now attacking my mum like this. It's just like he's focusing his energies on something else now.

He may work 60 hours a week but how many do you work at home with a baby OP? During the baby phases my husband has come home and cooked for us and taken over evening baby duties, because he’s fully aware it’s just as hard work if not harder being at home with a baby than working. Your husband sounds awful I’m afraid, your mum is just looking out for you.

OP-Don't fall for the rubbish about your DH doing more than you to provide for the household financially. He also chose to have a baby, and if you weren't doing the childcare, he would have to either provide it himself or contribute to paying someone else. You are both fulfilling different roles in the joint enterprise of family life. Working outside the home isn't a free pass as far as all other responsibilities are concerned, any more than providing full-time childcare would be.

His language in relation to your DM is inexcusable. Do you REALLY want your DC to grow up in an environment where their grandmother (or any human being) is spoken of like that. They deserve a lot better, and so do you.

He's not angry at your mom. He's pretending to be angry at her to teach YOU a lesson of not criticizing him to anyone.

He would kick your mum in the face?! What an awful man. And he couldn’t take his own child out for an hour to help someone he supposedly loves?

@skippingabeat that's an interesting point. I hadn't thought about it that way but you could well be right.

He really doesn't sound like a decent bloke. Do make sure you go on your holiday, it will give you a bit of breathing space.

He sounds like a horrible nasty man OP. You've done nothing wrong. Your mother is quite rightly concerned about you so he's trying to drive a wedge between you and your mother to keep you under his spell.

My DH works more than 60 hrs a week. We alternate bedtime/bathtimes. He does 50:50 housework and takes the kids out most of the day on Saturday.

And no decent man makes physical threats towards anyone, especially a woman, especially your mother.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum but anyone who made a threat to kick her in the face and finish her off would be out of my life, for good. No matter what she had done or said to him, no matter how difficult his life is right now. There is absolutely no justification for that, at all.

He's not angry at your mom. He's pretending to be angry at her to teach YOU a lesson of not criticizing him to anyone

This. Those threats of kicking her in the face? The image of her crawling to him, bleeding, begging for forgiveness? He's telling you something. I'd listen, if I were you. So sorry.

My husband works at least 60hrs a week and still help with household chores and childcare so he has no point at all. The language he uses about your mother is scary and revolting. I cannot imagine a decent person talk in such a way about his mil regardless of what she said. While i agree that you shouldn't have told him what your mother said i think he is now using this to control you and manipulate you.