Or does he have a point?

[RecoveringChocaholic]

So, my DH and I have not been getting on for some time and during a particular argument a year or so ago I told him that even my mum was surprised at how little he helps me. It was a comment my mum made shortly after our DS arrived. My DH is not very helpful around the house nor does he give much emotional support. He works 60 hour weeks (including a long commute) and sees that as his contribution. And yes, financially he has been supporting us through maternity leave. I have contributed as much as I can but obviously he's been paying the lion's share. He does not however take on any of the childcare and only very little of the house work. I do remember an argument we had when DS was a couple of weeks old and I asked DH to take him out for an hour so that I could get some much needed sleep. He told me that wasn't possible as he couldn't do any more than he already did. He worked to provide a roof over our head, he didn't have the energy to do more. My mum's comment came from that time.
I should never have told him what she said, but I did and he now brings it up at every opportunity. My mum has offered to talk to him, clear the air and start afresh. He won't have any of it. Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off. All sorts of vile threats. I'm stuck somewhere between. I don't think my mum was unreasonable with her comments and her subsequent offer to speak to him. I shouldn't have shared her comments with him, but it's too late for that. What do you think? Does he have a point that she has spoken out of turn and should have kept her nose out of our marriage? I love my DM dearly and she's been a great support to me. She lives in another country so we don't see much of her anyway, but my husband now doesn't want her to visit and he's not happy with me taking the kids for more than a couple of days. I recently took them for a week which he reluctantly agreed to. This is causing me a real headache. I want to take the kids for another week while I'm still on mat leave with DD. It's my sisters wedding coming up. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't seem happy about me going for more than a couple of days either.
Sorry for the long rambling post...

Haven't read the full thread but if my DH spoke about my mum like that I would be leaving him for sure.

He’s brainwashed you good, hasn’t he?! I lived with a deeply depressed man (let’s face it, that is what he is!) for years and had all the same “no friends/no hobbies/quick to snap/unreasonable” crap. There is only so much you can do to help, he needs to want to get help. Right now, you are enabling him 🤷🏼‍♀️ Mind you, had my ex partner EVER talked about any of my family like that at any point, it would have been me who would have had a right go at him and “made him feel small”. How dare he!

Bored I don't think it matters what his contribution is. Imagine if he did all the cleaning, washing, childcare, cooking, life admin, earned all the money and did all the gardening and DIY.

And also imagine that OP's mum was the worst cliches of a truly horrible MIL.

And now imagine him telling the OP that he was going to kick her mum in the face while she was bleeding crawling on her knees and then he would finish her.

There is no justification for that kind of violent threat, even as a joke, even if the mum is awful, even if his contribution was 100%. None.

(Unless you were being sarcastic!)

I’m hoping that Bored was being sarcastic but agree entirely Xiao!

The fun and games continue this morning. He's still obviously peeved about last night. (I walked out and took the baby to bed and then watched TV in the bedroom leaving him alone in the living room. Can't be doing with his stupid comments about my mum)
This morning he was going to fit the roof bars on our car for the first time. He then decided that I needed to do it while he looked after the baby. He gave me some instructions and told me to measure the roof box and the car. I did. However turns out he's only given me half the instructions and when I asked him what exactly I need to measure he just said everything. I wasn't aware how the roof box fits onto the rails and that that has a bearing on where to position them. If he'd told me or given me the correct instructions, I would have known. But that is apparently my fault for not having any common sense. And he pointing out that I asked for an explanation and he only gave me half the instructions, he started to applaud me loudly and do a silly dance around the living room saying I was being childish... 🤔 Go figure. I'm not the one clapping sarcastically and dancing around the house. What bothers me is that he does it around DS who is certainly old enough to cotton on to his behaviour. I could cry right now. Sorry for all the venting. Having a bad weekend...

He's abusive, OP. Leave him.

Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off.

WTF? No he doesn’t have a point. This is disgusting. If anybody spoke about anyone I loved in this way, they’d instantly regret it. If my DD said her husband said this about anyone, I’d be incredibly worried about her.

Furthermore, he’s saying he wants to be an absent parent. Only you know if you’re ok with that but most people wouldn’t be.

Leave him OP

Your son is going to watch this and think it’s an ok way to treat women

You’re not having a bad weekend, you’re having a bad marriage.

Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off.

If anyone said that about my mum I would boot their sorry arse our of the door before they could finish the sentence. Revolting.

OMG he sounds utterly horrific.

I am 100% sure that your life would be so much nicer without him.

Is he ever nice?

He sounds awful. Does he actually have any positive qualities apart from being financially supportive?

You are married to an absolute horror.

I cannot get over the vile description he said about your mum.

And your last post makes him sound like a horrid little bastard.

Leave and give your child a chance to see that this is not how women should be treated.

Take DS, drive to your nearest Halfords and pay them to put the roof stuff on. Go to the nearest shop and get snacks and go have a long picnic/play in the park with DS.

He is being a deliberate arse. Do what you did last night and walk away. Don't give him any satisfaction.

He sounds vile.

He sounds abusive.

He is fantasising about your mum crawling on the floor and begging him.

If he loved you or the baby he would help at home. That is what happens in most families.

Your mum is trying to tell you she is concerned about his abusive behaviour.

If you don't leave your baby will grow up to think this is what a family is like.

He doesn't sound very nice, OP. Do you actually like him?

His behaviour is a massive issue, but two more minor points (that would in themselves be major points were he behaving more normally):

• How much free time does he have? How much do you have? If you have to ask him for even 1 hour of free time, does that mean you get zero? Even though he works hard, I bet he gets more than zero hours of free time.

• How will the childcare/housework be divided when you go back to work? I recognise you'll be doing more of it since you'll only be part-time, but has he acknowledged that he will have to do some of it? Since you'll have 4 days fewer in which to get chores done, he'll have to pick up at least some of that additional workload.

Er, what?! He’s v clearly an abusive arse! Why are you still with him op?!

Oh dear OP. He does not sound like a respectful, loving man who has your back, encourages you and wants you to succeed in life and happiness. He is not behaving in a manner befitting that of a father. He is not anything other than a bully who seeks to control and belittle you in order to make himself feel superior. This is not ok. This is not ok for you child to see.
He is an awful husband, awful dad and overall, an awful person. You deserve better, and that includes being a single mum - not simply a better partner. Don't put up with this shit

@lanniduck: during the week the only free time either of us have is when the kids are in bed. DH does read DS a bedtime story. I obviously do bath and teeth and the rest as well as putting DD to bed (mind you, she feeds herself to sleep and she's EBF so not much he can do there) At the weekend, he tends to get feet up time for a bit after breakfast and in the afternoon. I get none during the day. We both then have the evenings free again providing both kids are asleep. I do the night time wakings with DD, but again there's not really much he can do and he does have to get up and go to work. Although I get up at the same time, make breakfast and get DS ready for nursery (and drop him off.) nursery is in the opposite direction from DHs way to work so not practical for him to do the nursery run.
This has been the same when I was working four days a week before going on mat leave with DD and will undoubtedly be the same when I go back to work this time.
His contribution to the chores are Sunday dinner, cutting the hedges and any DIY, I do pretty much all the rest including the mental load of remembering GP, dentist appointments etc, birthday parties, presents, nursery stuff...
He can be nice. I'm obviously pointing out his truly awful behaviour and there's plenty of it, but there are glimmers of the person I married there somewhere which is why I'm still here I suppose.

So he gets time at the weekend, and you don't. You do all the overnights and he does none. Apart from that, you're both working the same hours?

To make it fair, you should have at least some of the time at the weekends, and perhaps a weekend lie-in? (You don't mention who gets those.)

It sounds like his life hasn't changed much since having kids? He 'just' does his work and nothing else. Your workload has shot up since you had kids, and you've had to sacrifice your career (I'm guessing you used to be FT?). He should be grateful to you, not disparaging. Although he works hard, you work harder, and have sacrificed to enable you (as a couple) to have children. He hasn't.

I have an extremely complex and fractious relationship with my mum, see the many ‘did your parents neglect you’ type threads. However, this language directed at anyone, let alone my mum, would be the undoing of my husband. You’ve been conditioned to a degree that you’re asking if he has a point? The point that your mum deserves a kick in the face for seeing him for the absolute cunt that he is? He’s bloody vile.

Not going to say what I think you should do, but I will ask you this - do you want your son to treat any future DiL the way you are being treated? Do you want your precious daughter to grow up and accept being treated the way you are being treated by a future SiL? The way forward will be clear from answering those questions.

He's putting pressure on you to estrange yourself from your whole family, indefinitely, because your mum gave an opinion, once, when she saw you struggling.

That's insane