Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Or does he have a point?

77 replies

RecoveringChocaholic · 15/06/2019 22:25

So, my DH and I have not been getting on for some time and during a particular argument a year or so ago I told him that even my mum was surprised at how little he helps me. It was a comment my mum made shortly after our DS arrived. My DH is not very helpful around the house nor does he give much emotional support. He works 60 hour weeks (including a long commute) and sees that as his contribution. And yes, financially he has been supporting us through maternity leave. I have contributed as much as I can but obviously he's been paying the lion's share. He does not however take on any of the childcare and only very little of the house work. I do remember an argument we had when DS was a couple of weeks old and I asked DH to take him out for an hour so that I could get some much needed sleep. He told me that wasn't possible as he couldn't do any more than he already did. He worked to provide a roof over our head, he didn't have the energy to do more. My mum's comment came from that time.
I should never have told him what she said, but I did and he now brings it up at every opportunity. My mum has offered to talk to him, clear the air and start afresh. He won't have any of it. Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off. All sorts of vile threats. I'm stuck somewhere between. I don't think my mum was unreasonable with her comments and her subsequent offer to speak to him. I shouldn't have shared her comments with him, but it's too late for that. What do you think? Does he have a point that she has spoken out of turn and should have kept her nose out of our marriage? I love my DM dearly and she's been a great support to me. She lives in another country so we don't see much of her anyway, but my husband now doesn't want her to visit and he's not happy with me taking the kids for more than a couple of days. I recently took them for a week which he reluctantly agreed to. This is causing me a real headache. I want to take the kids for another week while I'm still on mat leave with DD. It's my sisters wedding coming up. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't seem happy about me going for more than a couple of days either.
Sorry for the long rambling post...

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 15/06/2019 23:25

A loving husband would not behave like this. He doesn't get to decide he has done enough and you do the rest, no matter how much that takes from you.

He doesn't love you if he would happily see you sleep deprived because he doesn't feel obliged to care for his own baby for an hour.

He will never accept your mother's apology because he doesn't want her in your life supporting you. He wants you to be exhausted, vulnerable with your self-esteem through the floor so you accept and blame yourself for his narcissistic behaviour.

Has he also told you that your friends are idiots and made jokes at your expense in front of others to show you how worthless you are? If not, it's likely he will soon.

You need to walk away from this man and bring your son up in a safe and loving home where he will learn how healthy relationships work. I know he is likely to demand contact but your son will still have time in your home where he will be safe and happy and that will make all the difference.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 15/06/2019 23:26

If my husband threatened to kick my mum in the face, I would assume he had been possessed. I just cannot even imagine those words coming out of his mouth.

You need to get away from him.

RedRedBluee · 15/06/2019 23:28

He is majorly gaslighting and abusing you.
What a horrendous man. What he said is unforgivable and what your mum said is true and absolutely did not deserve that reaction from him, he’s retailiated because deep down he knows it’s true and doesn’t like being called out on it.
Please leave him.

Goldmandra · 15/06/2019 23:31

This might help you understand how bad his behaviour is:

The Freedom Programme online

Nesssie · 15/06/2019 23:35

If anyone threatened my mum that way, I would be gone for good.
That is disgusting.

sockatoe · 15/06/2019 23:35

Wow. I'm not saying your marriage is unhappy or abusive. But the balance of power is totally skewed, you are not in any stretch of the imagination an equal partnership. He feels threatened by your mother and seeks to distance you from her. In abusive relationships, distancing the victim from the friends/family/support networks is always preparation for the next stage. Being financially dependent is another stage. You needing to seek permission before doing something entirely reasonable is another. Maybe time to take stock, have a read and a chat to an outsider about other possible red flags which have snuck in unnoticed.
If there's stuff going on that you withhold from your nearest and dearest for fear of disapproval, you know something is wrong. Is there?

ILoveEurovision · 15/06/2019 23:36

Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off.

WTF? That is not an OK thing to say under any circumstances about your mother!

justasking111 · 15/06/2019 23:41

There is something terribly wrong with your OH, does he hate you but not know how to say it?

Cyberworrier · 15/06/2019 23:42

Really violent language. I don’t think words like that would be justified by many/any situations, but an a mother expressing concern for her adult daughter certainly doesn’t warrant it. I find his reluctance for you to spend Time with family pretty worrying too, to be honest.

tenlittlecygnets · 15/06/2019 23:43

Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off.

Wtf? This is your h talking about your mum? I’d dump him for that. Vile bastard.

DinkyTie · 15/06/2019 23:46

What he said he'd do if your DM apologised is horrendous. He is an entitled arsehole.

I couldn't get over anyone speaking about my DM like that.

FrogFairy · 15/06/2019 23:51

What he said he would do to your mum I suspect he will one day be threatening to do to you. He is a vile, nasty prick. Please keep yourself safe and think about what you want for your future.

MidniteScribbler · 15/06/2019 23:55

Says she would have to be crawling on her knees to him, bleeding and begging for his forgiveness. He would kick her in the face, make her feel small and finish her off. All sorts of vile threats.

Read this part again, and then think about whether this is the type of person you want around your child.

Lizzie48 · 16/06/2019 00:07

I have a difficult relationship with my mum but anyone who made a threat to kick her in the face and finish her off would be out of my life, for good.

Same here. My DM can be hard work, and I know my DH finds her irritating at times, but he's always totally respectful around her.

In the case of your DM, I think your DH doesn't like the fact that she can see through him and he doesn't want you to be around her for this reason. He's attempting to isolate you from her, which is what all abusers try to do.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/06/2019 00:08

What he said to you is really really worrying and I don't say that lightly. I think a lot of people over react and throw LTB around really easily however you really need to try and look at this from an outside perspective.

He's lazy, he's abusing you and some of the words to come out of his mouth are vile and scary.

Cherrysoup · 16/06/2019 00:09

He doesn’t get to decide if you go on holiday. His derogatory comments about your mum are very worrying, particularly the violent ones. Go to your mum’s, I doubt he’d stop you. Allowing you, indeed, idiot!

SquishySquirmy · 16/06/2019 00:10

SquishySquirmy

You weren't unreasonable with the first part of your post about him not doing enough, but then I got to what he said about your mum and he is horrendous!
That he could even imagine such a thing, because of one mild (and from the sound of it justified) bit of criticism from your mum (a year ago!) is horrible. Vile to effectively prevent you and DC from seeing her too.
You said your mum lives in another country. Are you and DH living away from your home country, or is your mum that lives abroad? If you live outside your home country, it may complicate your plans if you wanted to return home, and you should factor it into your plans to leave (but you should leave). Think how much nicer it will be to live alone... You are doing all the work anyway, but will have 1 person less to tidy up after. No horrible arguments and unpleasant atmosphere. And you will be able to have your mum stay with you whenever you want!

SquishySquirmy · 16/06/2019 00:11

No idea why my post starts with my user name, sorry!

katewhinesalot · 16/06/2019 00:17

It sounds dreadful. I should imagine this issue is just the tip of the iceberg, you just haven't realised yet, all the other things that happen in your relationship that are not normal in a healthy relationship. Do you ever disagree with him and insist on doing things your way, or is it always you doing what he wants or compromising?

GabsAlot · 16/06/2019 00:17

Maybe the truth hurts-it might not have been best coming from your dm but someone should say something

Alot of people work 60 hours plus commute so its not really good enough an excuse

Dippypippy1980 · 16/06/2019 00:48

Your husband sounds horrible. Why are you with him?

Do you really want your children growing up in this type of environment?

Original poster

RecoveringChocaholic · 16/06/2019 06:35

@goldmantra he's not gone as far as stopping me from seeing friends. He's isolated himself from his own friends and stopped any kind of hobby he may have participated in before children. My fault apparently as I told him to... (I didn't).
I still go out with my friends whenever I can. I also take DS on playdates to meet with other mums. This is something DH does complain about if the playdate is on a Sunday as it takes his children away from him for a couple of hours. On the other hand, Sundays are considered rest days for him so he doesn't leave the house (he will do some gardening work and does cook Sunday dinner, just won't go anywhere). I just don't think it's fair to keep a three year old confined to the house and garden all day when we could be going to the park.

I'm also going back to work later this year after my mat leave is up. I work four days a week and earn a decent salary so I'm not financially dependent on him once I go back to work. I work 3 days a week from home, one day from our office which is a 3 hour round trip away.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 16/06/2019 07:15

He sounds like a knob
Are there actually any good points apart from the money he earns?

MRex · 16/06/2019 07:24

That language is revolting, I would feel uncomfortable with my DH saying that about a mass murderer. Your husband is all levels of nasty and you know that. So what will you do about it? Can you stay with your mum for a few months to get sorted out before you go back to work?

Boredisboring · 16/06/2019 07:42

Hang on though, he does the gardening and cooks Sunday dinner? That's a good contribution.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread