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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wedding

90 replies

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:26

I have quite a large family and we are all very close, spend all Christmases, birthdays together, talk a lot to all my cousin's etc... It's always been like this since I've known.

DPs family is the opposite, he doesn't really talk to anyone but his mum and dad unless it's at a big event.

We are getting married and I know that ideally DP would like a very small wedding, he'd be happy with it just being us and our parents.

He wants me to 'compromise' on the guest list, most of which is made up of my family. There are around 65 guests in total.

I don't think I can. I don't want to be selfish but these are people that I really do want there. My family is also the type that it would cause huge rifts if I weren't to invite them.

All in all, there's only around 10 people coming who aren't family and I don't want to cut those out either. They are all my good friends and their children, people who I talk to most days and have known through my teenage years and adult life.

DP has invited about 2 people outside of his family. No cousin's, no aunties or uncles etc... Which is completely up to him but AIBU to not want to cut my list down so drastically just to please him?

It isn't out of duty, I want these people there.

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 15/06/2019 10:28

Small wedding, big party? Is that a compromise.

65 isn't by any stretch of the imagination a big wedding, it's tiny.

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:31

Maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable with this as well but he wanted the church ceremony. The church we've chosen is pretty big. I just think what's the point if there's only 5 people there?

OP posts:

Banhaha · 15/06/2019 10:31

Are there a few people who you'd feel comfortable not inviting to the ceremony but to the reception afterwards? Why does he not want your family there? It's not your fault it's bigger than his.

milienhaus · 15/06/2019 10:33

It’s your wedding, of course have your family and friends if you want them!!! I think he’s being unfair.

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:34

Ban, yes I've done that where I can. Most of my friends are only invited to the reception.

The thing is, his family isn't necessarily smaller than mine. They just aren't as close so he doesn't understand why I'd want all my cousin's there etc...

I went for lunch with my 16 year old cousin the other week when I was off work for example. We do things like that all the time but he doesn't really understand it because it isn't the same for him.

OP posts:

Banhaha · 15/06/2019 10:38

Hmm.. Yes I wouldn't be happy if I couldn't invite my close family if I wanted, you want to make the promise to him in front of the people who mean the most to you.

Why does he want to keep it small? Does he have anxiety?

BeanBag7 · 15/06/2019 10:39

The way you've written it sounds like you've already invited them. You absolutely cannot "uninvite" people if you've sent invites, or even just save the dates.

It may just be the way it's written.

If you havent sent the invites yet the obvious solution is a small ceremony with just parents and then the 65 to the meal/reception. I realise you have booked a church and would rather fill it but surely this is the easiest way to compromise?

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:41

Ban, yes I think that's part of it. He's anxious about it and doesn't like being the centre of attention.

He has met these people before though, he's been to Christmas gatherings etc...

He's never met any of my friends bar a few because he never wants to come to things with me which I respect and never pressure him to do but this is different. I can't just not invite my friends to my own wedding can I?!

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 15/06/2019 10:41

I wouldnt say 65 is a small wedding, it's probably average based on the weddings I have attended/known about

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 10:41

YABU - You want to invite people important to you, but he isn’t allowed to invite who he wants because they’re “not your type of people”?

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 10:42

Sorry I read your post wrong and mixed up you and your DP. Ignore me!

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:42

Bean, no we've not sent invites yet but I've made a list.

I've moved my friends bar my bridesmaid to evening only guests to compromise but I don't want to do the same to my family.

OP posts:

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 15/06/2019 10:42

If you are at the point of marriage then surely he just be respecting all the relationships you have going on with your family? You aren't badgering him TO invite his.... He will have his back to them anyway won't he??

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:43

Lottie, no I'd be more than happy for him to invite more people!

We have a difference of personality in this way. I like socialising and he doesn't which I usually just accept and go to things alone but I can't do that on this one!

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/06/2019 10:46

Really tricky. Will you get a fuss from his family if they’re not invited but yours are? You don’t need to have traditional seating arrangements which highlight the imbalance.

If you imposed a rule like only people who’ve met us both/seen us twice in the last year, how would that work out?

HolesinTheSoles · 15/06/2019 10:46

YANBU. I've never wanted a big wedding and only had 10 at mine but in your situation I would have to invite my family as you're all close and it would be unkind to hurt anyone's feelings by leaving them out.

What is his objection? If it's the price I'd compromise on luxuries and have it in a modest venue. As long as everyone has enough to eat it doesn't have to be posh.

NCforpoo · 15/06/2019 10:48

No YANBU
When we got married all my cousins were there. None of DHs were invited. And half his aunts didn't come. My aunts uncles and cousins travelled half way across the world to come. Its because were closer. I talk to them. We spend Christmases together. I would be invited to their weddings. I can't imagine not having them there on my special day. DH didn't mind if his were there or not.
And he knew, because he see me with them that we're close. And he gets involved in my family because they love me and so does he. (And I make the effort with his siblings and parents who I love too now; nd the effort with his friends even if I'm not the biggest fan of some of them!)
Seems a bit off that he won't get to know the people who matter to you.

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:48

If you imposed a rule like only people who’ve met us both/seen us twice in the last year, how would that work out?

Not very well for me because he's never met most of my friends through his own choice!

We aren't have a seating plan.

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 15/06/2019 10:49

You sound like totally different people.
Are you prepared to spend your life going to family events, friend's parties etc alone or with a husband who really doesn't want to be there?
My OH hates parties and gatherings and if I'm honest I feel awkward going alone but also awkward when he's there under duress.

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:52

Blue, yes we definitely are in this aspect.

Honestly, it doesn't really bother me going to my friends do's alone. He does come to the family things and usually says he ended up enjoying them afterwards.

But I just wish this one time he'd compromise with me and try to deal with his issues rather than me having to.

OP posts:

TSSDNCOP · 15/06/2019 10:53

Are you absolutely certain you are a good match OP. My husband and I have many different interests, but am understanding of what’s important to each other is non-negotiable I think.

Given he presumably understands that your close family makes you the person you are, I wonder why he’s attempting to curtail this on this particular day. Not wishing to be centre of attention is a bit of an issue on a day when, however big the gig, you’re the centre of attention.

FraggleRocking · 15/06/2019 10:53

I had a similar situation but in reverse. I wanted a very small wedding. DH has a huge family. We compromised with a very intimate ceremony of immediate family and a big party/reception after with everyone. It was lovely. The difference though is we got married in a fairly small venue, so suited the intimate vibe. I can understand it being a bit odd having an empty church that could’ve been full. Would he be willing to give up the church? Is this something you really wanted?

GoatieHawn · 15/06/2019 10:58

It's your wedding too...invite who you want. It sounds like you are really close to your family, of course you want them all there on your most important day.

I have a small immediate family... 1 sis, 1 aunt, 2 uncles, 3 first cousins at time of marriage all of whom were children. However I am v close to extended family. All my grand aunts & uncles were at my wedding, second cousins etc. My second cousins daughter was even my bridesmaid!! This is the make up of my family. No negotiation needed with DH no discussion, these are the important people in my life of course they were there for my special day.
We cut out a lot of his cousins who he didnt have close relationship with. No big deal.

I would worry that you are at point of getting married yet ye seem to be polar opposites. Yes this is one day but if have such different priorities how will ye navigate the ups & downs of married life

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:59

I'm not sure about giving up the church tbh. I like it and am happy with the church but would've been fine with something else equally. The church is the only thing he's actually had an input on really (again through his own choice) and it's now booked and paid for.

I'm not sure what he expects me to do. Say if I were to cut down on family/friend invites, what am I supposed to say when they query it. Would I lie and say I didn't want them there or tell the truth and say it was for DPs benefit which just makes him look bad. I'm not saying I'm going to do this, just curious as to what he actually expects me to say to these people!

OP posts:

magicroundabouts · 15/06/2019 10:59

YANBU. A small intimate wedding and then a big party afterwards would be the compromise in this situation. It sounds like he doesn’t want a big party at all though and that is not fair. You should be able to celebrate your wedding with close friends and family. I’d point out to him that if he wants you to compromise then he needs to as well.

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