AIBU wedding

[WhatToDoMrShoo]

I have quite a large family and we are all very close, spend all Christmases, birthdays together, talk a lot to all my cousin's etc... It's always been like this since I've known.

DPs family is the opposite, he doesn't really talk to anyone but his mum and dad unless it's at a big event.

We are getting married and I know that ideally DP would like a very small wedding, he'd be happy with it just being us and our parents.

He wants me to 'compromise' on the guest list, most of which is made up of my family. There are around 65 guests in total.

I don't think I can. I don't want to be selfish but these are people that I really do want there. My family is also the type that it would cause huge rifts if I weren't to invite them.

All in all, there's only around 10 people coming who aren't family and I don't want to cut those out either. They are all my good friends and their children, people who I talk to most days and have known through my teenage years and adult life.

DP has invited about 2 people outside of his family. No cousin's, no aunties or uncles etc... Which is completely up to him but AIBU to not want to cut my list down so drastically just to please him?

It isn't out of duty, I want these people there.

Hi OP

I wouldn't back down on this. He may have a point if say he had a tiny family and you a massive family, or you weren't close to them. Of course you want what you consider your close family to be there and its unreasonable for him to expect otherwise. It suggests hes not accepting the differences between you - just because he isn't close to his cousins, you cant invite yours that you see on a regular basis? It's an odd thing for him not to 'get' either - it's not difficult to understand that families are different. My husband is very social and has lots of friends but isn't as close to them. I have a small circle of very close friends. We're very different but that doesnt mean I dont understand where he is coming from!

I do understand not wanting to be the centre of attention, but then you need to rethink the type of wedding - as a church to me seems like it's going to be more formal with lots of people there and no escape! Is he religious? Could you do something like a very small registry office that only has space for immediate family only and then have a less formal party or reception afterwards (no first dance or cake cutting etc if that is the kind of thing he hates) then he wont actually have to cope with being the centre of attention with a load of people and you still get to see everyone

At the moment he isn't accepting your needs are different to his - especially as hes chosen a massive venue for the ceremony and then saying you can only have a small number of guests there - of course your family are going to think it's odd not to be invited to a church!

There are lots of work around and compromises here and to be honest it sounds like you're doing most of them eg inviting your friends to evening only. I hope he isn't like this about every difference of opinion

I wouldn't be marrying him, not just because of the compromises he wants around numbers. He seems to have no interest in any part of your life or your relationships outside of the one you have with him. To me, this control would signify the thin end of a controlling wedge.

I wouldn’t cut down. You are booking a church because that’s what he wants for a wedding. I’d say I want to celebrate with friends and family who matter for me.

If you’re keeping the church then I think he really needs to let you invite your family. There is space for them to be there and they’ll be hurt if left out considering how close you are.
But, don’t pressure him to invite more people to ‘match’ your numbers. Perhaps suggest that families won’t be sitting on the traditional sides so it’ll be evenly distributed and arrange for something informal beforehand like a barbecue to get to know some of them better. Friendly faces on the day for the both of you then.

I find it fascinating that you two get on at all! You seem very very different kinds of people. And he has never met your friends??? That is rather weird, surely?

Regarding the wedding, I think your partner is being selfish actually. As you said, you want these people there as you are close to them. I think it is worrying that he is kicking up a fuss because surely anyone can understand that you want your close family at your wedding?

He has to understand that it is possible for other people to feel differently to him!! And when that person is his supposed loved one, then she should be listened to.

FFS don't marry this man. He will get worse, not better, and you will become more and more isolated, because it will get more and more difficult for you to spend time with other people.
He sounds more passive-aggressive than the sort who will order you not to go out, but the endless making excuses for him, dealing with his sadface when you tell him you're going to a family party or whatever, will wear you down. You'll start to resent him, and then it will feel like too much effort to go anywhere, and you'll resent him even more.
He is certainly selfish and potentially controlling, which is really very likely to end up as abusive.
If you think I'm scaremongering and nasty, ask yourself this: how many times has he put himself out for your benefit, made the effort to spend time with other people? Yeah yeah some people are introverts, but most of them are willing to make some effort to compromise with a partner.

I can only talk from my experience, I have anxiety issues too. When I was saying my vows it will only felt like me and him and the officiant in the room. I was nervous but only because of the fact I was getting married! I noticed the other people will be there at the beginning and it is a bit daunting walking in with all those people looking at you but I just focused on my OH. The major bit I got anxious about was facing a wall of photographers on their phones when we did the signing of the register bit. Part of me wishes we'd asked people to just take it in turns some how. All the photos they got are of me looking shocked at a wall of phones! Is it possible to think of the bits that make him anxious and think of ways to combat this? It might help him think he can cope with more people?

But you should be able to invite all your family at the least. They are important to you.

If I were you, I would sit down and have a long, long think about what your life will be like married to someone so dramatically different to you. Someone who doesn't want to spend time with your family. Someone who doesn't want to spend time with your friends. Someone who didn't even want your loved ones at your own wedding.

Yes, he's happy for you to go to lots of family and friend events now by yourself. But will that continue? Will he carry on refusing to do anything AND ask you to stay home more because you're married now? Will he be asking why you're not enough for him? Will you be made to feel guilty when you want to socialise and he doesn't?

I'm not saying it won't work. It well may. But you need to ask some of these questions of yourself ... and him ... before you tie yourself to him legally. Especially if you're planning on having children. I can't imagine not sharing my children's lives with my loved ones, family and friends ... but if he's not going to throw in to a certain level, that will be tricky to do.

But he won't be the centre of attention, because if they're your close family their eyes will all be on you.

I honestly find his approach worrying. He won't try to understand that this is important to you, he won't meet your friends, basically he doesn't really want you to have much of a life beyond him.

Have you had a discussion with him about what life will be like after you're married? Because this is something that sounds like you can't leave to chance.

Sorry I'm with @RebeccaWrongDaily I would be seriously considering the relationship. You don't seem very suited to each other personality wise.

Also, this appears to be a man whose wilfully closed his eyes to the fact that not all families are like his. He truly can't seem to appreciate that just because he's not close to his family and extended family, that someone else could be. And that is worrying.

"Are you absolutely certain you are a good match OP." I'm wondering this. Him not being close to his family is one thing, but not wanting to even meet your friends suggests he is only willing to have anything to do with the people he considers "worthy" - as he's never even met them he can't even have assessed whether he'd like them or not.

What age is he?

I'm from a big family that I'm very close to which wasn't my now ex's experience at all. Both his parents are only children, he only had one grandparent left when we married. He didn't have a huge number of friends either, but the ones he had he was close to. Meant the balance could've new odd looking in the church so we popped a few of my friends and their families (the ones that also knew him fairly well) on "his" side of the church.

But he wouldn't have dreamed of saying I couldn't have the people I wanted be there because he knew I was close to them and it would have hurt me to do so.

What reason is he giving?

Is he quite an antisocial type?

A lack of empathy for people having different desires and priorities and an unwillingness to compromise do not bode well for marriage.

Have you asked him what he expects you to tell people? Why haven't you had that conversation with him?

I am a little shocked you're marrying someone who's refused to meet most of your friends. Even before he started trying to block them coming to the wedding.

It's not about being sociable or not, it's about people who are important in your life and him valuing and supporting that.

Do you not have them round to your house when he's there?

What happens in the future If you have a baby or go through ill health or serious hospital treatment and need the support of some/all these people? Will he facilitate communication with them for you if you're too ill or hospitalised? Will he collaborate with them to support you? Will he take you to visit them if you can't get there alone? Join in with family events with you and your child?

You might be fine with going to social events alone now (which I agree isn't necessarily a big deal), but there's a much bigger picture here than just social events. If he's not happy with them coming to the good stuff, how's he going to be when you need them there for tough stuff?

Having a support network is so important.

I’m genuinely very concerned for you, OP. I would be worried that once you’re married you’re going to start getting the drip drip of, “but we’re just married, do you really need to go out with them? I should be your first priority, I’m your husband. Why don’t you turn their invitation down and WE can go out? I don’t trust (insert friend’s name) because xyz.” I cant see how you can marry a man that doesn’t make an effort to know your friends and family, as they are part of who you are. By association, he’s actually making no attempt to know YOU.

Btw, I have NC with my family, but my DH had a huge family, so we got married abroad and had a huge family do, back home, which consisted of my small group of friends, his massive family and big group of friends. That’s a compromise. What he’s doing is wanting to have all his demands met. My husband didn’t want the big wedding either btw, but I would have had one if it meant a lot to him.

OP yes this could potentially be a red flag that he cannot see that it is what you want - how will children fit into this
You have already compromised your friends

Marrying a man who has such different beliefs around family and relationships sounds like a divorce in the making tbh. You really want to be married to someone who doesn't even want to know your friends? I think you'll live to regret this one op.

Echoing the thoughts of others here that you two sound quite incompatible. He’s never even met your friends? How is this going to work long term? What ages are you? What about when children come along and there are kids parties, sports events etc? Is he going to sit those out too?

I think you’ll regret it as well

As someone who doesn't come from a big or close-knit family, I have some sympathy for your DP, OP.

When your family is small and sort of semi-detached, big, close families seem really intense and tribal. That can feel a bit intimidating. My ex's family were a nightmare like that, which is one of the reasons we got married in secret.

DP's ex's family was like that too, every social gathering turned into a massive event about which everyone had an opinion and they all had to get involved or express an opinion about every detail.

DP's family is big(ish), and some of them are close, but in a way that's manageable. It helps that most of them, and their partners, are people we would be friends with even if they weren't related, iykwim, but imo that's exceptional. And if someone's hosting, they don't all try and meddle!

OP

Huge red flags here.

It's all about him.

65 is not a large wedding.

Totally unreasonable for him to not understand that you would want those you love to be there with you on the day.

Totally unreasonable that he hasn't met your friends.

Totally unreasonable that he has zero interest in your life.

A partner shouldn't have to got to everything but equally he should recognise that some things are important to you and do it out of love for you.

He sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

I think you should read the above warnings very carefully.

I see a lonely life ahead of you, possibly becoming isolated from friends and family.

Ultimately a good marriage is about love, kindness, compatibility and compromise.

You do not have the above.

Be very careful.
Best of luck.

Thanks for all the replies.

The friends thing, it's not that he has an outright problem with meeting my friends. He doesn't like group situations. He has met some of my friends when they've been to our house or we've gone out for drinks just us and one of his friends for example.

He doesn't have a problem with them coming to the house or me going out. We've been together quite some time now and he's never been moody or passive aggressive about me going out.

This wedding thing is the first time this clash in personalities has really caused a problem.

He isn't a horrible person, I just think he's not really thinking or trying not to be selfish on this occasion.

Going forward what will you do about things like Christmas? Will you always spend it with your family, or will you have some years when it is just you, or just DH’s family?

As others have said, you don’t seem very compatible when it comes to socialising which could have a huge impact in your lives.

I am not the most social person, have a few really close friends. I could not cope with regular large family gatherings, social events. Luckily DH is the same.

Agree with Billy1966 that you sound incompatible. I'm sorry to say that to you but having similar views on socialising and being truly part of each other's lives is a foundation.

My husband is more anti social than me and also less family oriented (for various valid reasons including distance, bereavements). There was no way I wasn’t inviting aunts, uncles and close cousins- or good friends. I said I didn’t mind if he didn’t invite his uncles etc (although I said I thought it would be unfriendly not to) but in the end one of his parents brought up inviting some family, that sort of made him realise it made sense- and in the end his extended family were the life and soul of the party and I think he was reminded that family stuff can be fun. We had under 50 guests but he probably would have happily eloped and I could have invited a few more- but we both felt it worked out perfectly in the end. How would his parents feel about not inviting family?