AIBU wedding

[WhatToDoMrShoo]

I have quite a large family and we are all very close, spend all Christmases, birthdays together, talk a lot to all my cousin's etc... It's always been like this since I've known.

DPs family is the opposite, he doesn't really talk to anyone but his mum and dad unless it's at a big event.

We are getting married and I know that ideally DP would like a very small wedding, he'd be happy with it just being us and our parents.

He wants me to 'compromise' on the guest list, most of which is made up of my family. There are around 65 guests in total.

I don't think I can. I don't want to be selfish but these are people that I really do want there. My family is also the type that it would cause huge rifts if I weren't to invite them.

All in all, there's only around 10 people coming who aren't family and I don't want to cut those out either. They are all my good friends and their children, people who I talk to most days and have known through my teenage years and adult life.

DP has invited about 2 people outside of his family. No cousin's, no aunties or uncles etc... Which is completely up to him but AIBU to not want to cut my list down so drastically just to please him?

It isn't out of duty, I want these people there.

YANBU

I’m another one who wonders if he is the right man for you in the longer term. I know you said you don’t mind going to events on your own but you might find that in a few years you resent him when you are out socialising and everyone else has their partner there. It’s very odd that he hasn’t met your friends and if I was one of your close friends or family member I would be worried about you.

How long have you known him?

Had almost this exact situation with our wedding @WhatToDoMrShoo - my husband's family is small, mine much bigger and I wanted them there. I actually wanted all friends there as well, but my compromise was that friends (except a handful) came to only the reception. It sounds like you've already made that compromise, and him pushing for more is unfair. YANBU - he needs to give a bit.

We didn't even think of having even numbers. He has a huge family; mine is large but not enormous. We invited them all.

I have tons of personal friends I wanted to invite; he had three. (We also had about 15 friends-in-common-and-partners we both wanted there.) We invited them all.

I think it's ridiculous that your friends and family aren't invited to both the wedding and the party.

You’re making excuses for him. Do you really really deep down believe that on the question of him pushing you not to invite people you love to your wedding, he is just “not really thinking”? Do you not think that you deserve a little more respect than that?
You’re minimising and he has thought about it a lot, but he knows you’ll just cave to what he wants. This will get worse if you have kids. Do you really want them to be kept apart from your family or, at best, grow up noticing that Daddy never comes to family gatherings? You’re deluded, sorry.

You're marrying someone who isn't even bothered to meet most your friends and doesn't think having your family who you are close to and see regularly to your wedding is important? You've clearly made compromises whilst he hasn't. Doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy and long lasting marriage unfortunately

I'm not sure you're going to cope with this long term - it gets very wearing!

I agree it's only this one time - but if it makes him miserable/grumpy to compromise, that's going to spoil your day anyway.

I actually can't see a good outcome here for you.

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

I think you have to find a totally different way of doing things tbh.

DH wanted a much bigger wedding than me (still small by most people's standards). I went along with it. It was all technically gorgeous, but it was a massive strain for me and even 15 years later I wish we hadn't done it that way.

This is your wedding day. I think you should invite all your relatives and he can invite his if he wants to or not bother if they mean nothing to him. If there is a difference in numbers then he really needs to get over that. It sounds like you have a lovely big supportive family - do not jeopardise that for anyone. It's not fair to make you pick and choose between relatives that you want there (unless dictated by costs etc) - that would be impossible and will create bad feeling down the line within the family. I also think it's not very nice for you to not invite your friends just because you have more than him. It will be the start of things to come.

I married a man who as he has aged does not like socialising and going to 'things' unless it suits him. 20 yrs down the line I resent the fact he has restricted our social circle and prevented me from being parts of 'friendship groups' because he is antisocial or doesn't 'like' certain people. I used to be involved with so much more than I am now. This has happened slowly because I have made adjustments in my life to keep him happy. Such a shame he has not done the same for me.

You husband to be really needs to start thinking about you a bit more. If he can't even manage it when planning your wedding day then bin him while you still have the chance.

We had the same dilemma.
I have quite a biggish family of aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids.
We couldn’t afford a big wedding, And I didn’t want to cause a rift by inviting aunts, uncles but not cousins.
We have now opted for a small ceremony of immediate family only (parents, siblings and their children)
Then we’re going for dinner and having an open invite to anyone who wants to join us for evening drinks and maybe a disco.

But if your budget allows it, that’s not fair he’s making it difficult for you

Its not about being horrible it is about the fact that you are different people who want and like different things - how are you going to reconcile that to parenting for example because it will show in differing styles.

You need to reach a compromise you are both happy with here I think otherwise it says a lot about the clash

We had the same issue. It isn’t that he doesn’t speak to his family, there just aren’t many of them.

My guest list was 3 times the size of his before I even got to inviting friends. Only a few invites were the “duty” ones (I have dozens of aunts and uncles and cousins some of whom I don’t see, but you can’t invite some and not others)

There’s no way he would have pressured me to have a lower number.

He’s becoming part of your big family, he should be embracing that, not asking you to turn your back on them like he has to his.

Are you marrying my boyfriend? We are form different countries and the biggest culture shock has been relationship with family. He has his dad. That's his whole extended family. There are few uncles but since his mum died 20 years ago, he hands seen them. He just cannot grasp the idea of family gatherings. Sometimes he may ask something and I look at him and say "oh course, he's my brother" and he in confused since he doesn't have a concept of what siblings and extended families do. It stresses him out and he doesnt understand the meaning of showing up. Same with friends. He cannot embrace a big close family because he has no concept on what it means.

He’s becoming part of your big family, he should be embracing that, not asking you to turn your back on them like he has to his.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Does he want that? To be part of a big family? Can it work if he doesn't?

And I fervently disagree with the pps who say that the OPs DF is the one who has to compromise, and that he needs to think more about her wants. The reverse is also true.

I would simply do it all differently. A TINY wedding and a big party. A 65 person hen do and a marriage but no wedding. Reinvent it and do something that will make you both happy.

Who has said he is a horrible person? I know I didn't, and I certainly wasn't thinking it.

My questions and concerns are about how this will play out practically in the longer term.

It's not about being "horrible".

People don't have to be moody, passive aggressive, or even malicious for their actions to have a negative impact on us. They can be charming, gentle, and lovable and still have a negative impact, whether intentional or otherwise.

Honestly, if you have a child do you think he will come to family events with you or will you end up going to everything alone then too? And if that's the case, will you still be happy?

If you're hospitalised and unable to contact people yourself, are you confident he will facilitate contact with your friends and family for you?

I'm not suggesting he's horrible by asking, I'm worried how you would manage in circumstances like that if he can't support you.

My husband doesn’t go out or socialise. I do
Works for us and he’s super sociable when they come round. Just don’t expect him to go out as couples etc

Probably the church is the easiest bit - meaning you stand with tour back to the crowd and the priest/vicar helps you with the vows. Cutting people from the church seems madness - I would mcuh rather see a couple get married than go to an evening do. Usually people are excluded from the church as often they are too small if the church is big enough then full it with people you love.

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out but a church service is a public ceremony and anyone can attend.

I'd be worried about marrying someone who doesn't understand my family dynamics or why it was important for me to have them all there.

I have been to quite a few weddings where there has been a very uneven number of guests in terms of whether they were family/friends of the bride or of the groom. I think it's not that unusual.

I do think it's a cause for concern that your DH to be doesn't seem to understand how important it is to you to have your family and friends there.

I wouldn't be bothered about having my cousins there but that is because I have seen them all probably 3 times in the past decade. If I was marrying someone who was close to his cousins I would want them at the wedding for my DP.

It's very short sighted of your DP to be restricting who you invite especially when it's not like you're asking to invite 200 people who you rarely see.

He can’t stop them or anyone from coming to the wedding. Anyone is allowed to attend, you can choose to invite people specifically but you can’t stop anyone attending. The only thing he has any sort of say in them attending would be the meal/reception thing afterwards.

That said he’s being a dick and you need to tell him that your not prepared to back down on this at all. I come from a large (supposedly close) family and the politics around wedding invited is insane. If I wanted my family there they’d be there and your husband to be needs to realise the importance that they are in your life and that you want them to share in the day and that they want to be there as well and that his family can be however they want but yours is different.

You're giving a lot of thought to bein g fair, reasonable and considering his feelings. Is he spending as much time as you are trying to find compromise?

"That said he’s being a dick and you need to tell him that your not prepared to back down on this at all. I come from a large (supposedly close) family and the politics around wedding invited is insane. If I wanted my family there they’d be there and your husband to be needs to realise the importance that they are in your life and that you want them to share in the day and that they want to be there as well and that his family can be however they want but yours is different."

Christ on a bike, if someone I was going to marry said that to me I'd run a mile.

Thank you all!

It's hard, though I can see your points we really do get along well. We've been together 5 years now and very rarely disagree.

He has no problem meeting people on a small scale. He'd have no issue if a friend or two came to our house for example, it's large gatherings he doesn't like.

I feel bad sometimes because he does get genuinely anxious about it. And so I usually work around it as much as possible so that I don't put him in those sorts of situations that I know he's uncomfortable with. It's just a lot harder when it's your own day as well!

I did think about just inviting the odd person in secret so the guest list doesn't look too daunting on paper. He won't notice on the day, I know he wouldn't care when he's actually there. It's the build up and the anxiousness beforehand that gets him (I wouldn't though!).

I am putting my foot down though, all family will be at the church. I won't compromise on that.

OP, I think your fiancé is being unreasonable.

I'm like him - not close to extensive family, probably wouldn't invite more than 10 people if I was having a wedding. But I wouldn't stop my fiancée from inviting whomever she likes.

If the list was huge (say, over 100 people) I might ask her if she's really sure she wants to invite them. But if she says yes I'd respect that. I'd just adjust things to not go over budget (so cheaper food, less wine, etc).

If he's that anxious maybe he should self refer to IAPT and get some proper support to address it.

Nothing wrong with being introverted, but what you describe goes well beyond that. Life is easier without crippling anxiety.

It's his wedding just as much as yours though. Maybe he is anxious, maybe he'd feel swamped by your v large family (I would).

He may be controlling, but his wedding might just be turning into something totally different to what he wants and he should have an equal say.