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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wedding

90 replies

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 10:26

I have quite a large family and we are all very close, spend all Christmases, birthdays together, talk a lot to all my cousin's etc... It's always been like this since I've known.

DPs family is the opposite, he doesn't really talk to anyone but his mum and dad unless it's at a big event.

We are getting married and I know that ideally DP would like a very small wedding, he'd be happy with it just being us and our parents.

He wants me to 'compromise' on the guest list, most of which is made up of my family. There are around 65 guests in total.

I don't think I can. I don't want to be selfish but these are people that I really do want there. My family is also the type that it would cause huge rifts if I weren't to invite them.

All in all, there's only around 10 people coming who aren't family and I don't want to cut those out either. They are all my good friends and their children, people who I talk to most days and have known through my teenage years and adult life.

DP has invited about 2 people outside of his family. No cousin's, no aunties or uncles etc... Which is completely up to him but AIBU to not want to cut my list down so drastically just to please him?

It isn't out of duty, I want these people there.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 20:55

Peanut, yes of course it is.

What's the answer then? I've tried to compromise by cutting back day guests and inviting them to the evening only instead. Or do I just not invite the people I want there because he gets an equal say?

He's doing what he wants by not inviting many people, I'm not pressuring him to build up numbers.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 15/06/2019 20:59

Can you have the reception with a split in areas - spa ccess to a garden or quiet room so he can escape for a bit?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/06/2019 21:02

@whattodo
No he isn't "doing what he wants by not inviting people". He doesn't want the wedding you want, at all, clearly.

So you both have to compromise and do something very different.

I was a bit horrified that you'd secretly bump up your guests, knowing how he feels.

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 15/06/2019 21:11

I was a bit horrified that you'd secretly bump up your guests, knowing how he feels

I quite clearly said I wouldn't actually do that.

Tell me what the answer is then? I feel like I have compromised (reasons in previous posts). So what else should I do?

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 15/06/2019 22:09

I think you sound balanced and fair in your approach. What does your partner say when you talk about it? What does he think is fair? What specifically is he unhappy about with your idea? Is he prepared to discuss to try reach a compromise ?
In my case, fiancé was happy to overcome his reluctance to be social as having family there meant a lot to me- and maybe more my. part of the compromise was that we didn’t do speeches or other things that could have been uncomfortable for him as a shyer guy.

oneforthepain · 16/06/2019 05:02

Have the two of you talked about why this is so important to you?

Compromise isn't something you do alone or that you figure out alone to meet his demands. It's supposed to be a joint effort. So, he can say he's not comfortable but then he needs to offer something to meet you. And he's not.

You can't meet someone halfway if they're not actually moving.

So, firstly, you need to talk to him and gain mutual understanding.

Then you need to find out what he's prepared to do differently to meet your needs too.

And rather than focusing on "compromise", once you are both understanding each other and both prepared to do things differently, then approach it with a view on being "creative" instead.

Instead of both sitting with entrenched positions and both ending up less than happy trying to find a halfway point, explore creatively what you can do differently so you're both happy. Use your imagination. There are a few examples on this thread of ways other people have deviated from the norm to make things work for them.

If agreeing a guest list is this difficult, I don't see how agreeing any of the stuff that comes after you're married is magically going to be easier. You both need to find a new way of dealing with this now.

It should be a team effort to find a solution that makes you both happy.

llewellyn25 · 16/06/2019 06:59

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want your family and friends there. He's probably struggling to understand it because he's seeing your family through the lens of his relationship with his.

OKBobble · 16/06/2019 07:20

It sounds to me like you have done all the compromising and that he just keeps wanting more.

It is your wedding too.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/06/2019 07:27

If the only reason he's asking this if you, is because he's anxious of the ceremony and doesn't like being the centre of attention, by forcing the issue you may ruin the day for him.

I'm the same as your DF, and the thought of a lot of people watching me taking my vows would make me feel physically sick, I'd be stressed and anxious for weeks and the closer to the wedding the worse it would get. I'd end up dreading the entire day.

Maybe just have the parents there for the ceremony and have a big party afterwards? It's the grooms day too.

FraggleRocking · 16/06/2019 09:43

@oneforthepain is speaking a lot of sense.
You both need to talk deeply about this more.

GabriellaMontez · 16/06/2019 09:47

Where is he giving? It's up to him to make some suggestions too?

What's it going to be like for your child's first birthday? Christening? Your 40th? Will he compromise? How have you dealt with other disagreements?

Original poster

WhatToDoMrShoo · 16/06/2019 10:28

He believes he's compromised because he's agreed to the 'party' afterwards which he wasn't interested in having.

He just doesn't want me to invite hardly anyone to it!

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 16/06/2019 10:40

He sounds selfish to me. He knows how important your family is to you, and he's supposed to love you and cherish you. That should especially include wanting to make you happy on your wedding day, and how can you be if you've had to disappoint family members who you really want to be there.

I echo other posters saying you should think carefully whether you really want to marry him?

Broombroomshaketheroom · 16/06/2019 10:45

If you can't decide together on a wedding guest list, OP, how does that bode for the marriage? Harsh but generally true. You sound like different types of people and that will only be amplified by marriage.

OnTheWater · 16/06/2019 12:06

I still think you need to think long and hard what your life may be like for the next 5 , 6, 7 decades spending it with someone who essentially doesn't like to socialize as you do.

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