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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to communicate when he is golfing...Another weekend ruined!

91 replies

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:17

A few years ago my husband suddenly took up golf.He had had a heart attack and this was relaxation.I must admit I found it odd and took me a while to get used to.
A few months ago he lost his job and has not looked.for work with the exception of 2 jobs I found and sent him for.He got severance pay which was a pittance and didn't use this time to compile a cv.He is late 50s.
So this week I booked off.I work 55 hours a week and was looking forward to chilling and going out.The weather spoilt virtually all our plans which can't be helped.
Friday and today we're looking the best.Then I see the golf trolley battery charging.Dh is golfing all day.WTF......I'm so angry he didn't tell me or write it on the kitchen calendar.He knows I work all weekends and booked last Sun and this saturday.All week he could be told me.I would be gone out Friday somewhere had I known.
He did this the last long weekend I had.There was a family do.He claimed he told me he didn't then he went. He has been like this for years and can't see when you live together communication is key.
Admittedly it isn't his fault I don't currently drive but his lack of respect and unwillingness to look for work( I would ve been onto it the day I found out).I thought he had changed but he put his golf before my birthday and was going to go the weekend my Df died until I pointed out it would be wise not to.
I feel a bit like I am being unreasonable as he needs something to do when I'm working but on this occasion I think he is!!

OP posts:

AllTheCakes · 15/06/2019 08:21

YANBU. He is putting his own needs ahead of yours. Why hasn’t he found work? I would be giving an ultimatum to the lazy sod.

bridgetreilly · 15/06/2019 08:31

Did you actually tell him what you had planned, though? And why didn't you suggest going out together yesterday? It sounds to me as though both of you may need to do better at communication, tbh.

ILoveEurovision · 15/06/2019 08:35

Can you afford the golf if he's not working? Isn't it expensive?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:35

He has worked all his life but last Xmas found out the hours were cut so bring home200 a week minus travel about 170.This went on for months despite my pleas to look for work.He got his hours back then 2 weeks later was made redundant.Unpaid for 7 weeks so long haul reclaiming money.He said he can't work while on severance however I would ve looked.He lack confidence so hence two low paid jobs in his life.
He knows I'm awaiting BRCA results from DM so it is stressful times for me and he still puts his mates first.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2019 08:38

You both need to sit down and discuss the chnage in your finances and lifestyle.

A long, detailed, honest chat to work out where you both are, what you now see in your future and how it will be funded.

His heart attack and loss of job have irrevocably changed his life, that change needs to be something you mutually manage and agree on. He can't just opt out though choice, fear, etc.

callmeadoctor · 15/06/2019 08:44

But you have had all your week off together?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:45

Whenever I try to discuss it he says he has been paid the last few months and gets angry.He doesn't have new clothes just the money he has for golf.kitchen
My point is this is my third Saturday off in many months and he could ve pre warned me about his two trips out when my holiday is on the calendar.
I do think perhaps having a little time out is ok as we do have savings however we really do need a new kitchen.I feel like he has retired at 59.

OP posts:

Skittlesandbeer · 15/06/2019 08:45

Family budget meeting & an appointment with a financial advisor will soon put paid to the golf course memberships. In fact the clubs will need to be sold too.

He’s living in complete denial as to his real circumstances.

You’re far kinder than me. I’d have sold his clubs already by now.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:48

Yes we had all week together.It has been pouring with rain here.I had hoped we were going to London for the day.Today is looking like the best day.Had I known I could be made plans myself.

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 08:51

Did you specifically request in advance that you spend the weekend together this weekend, or did you just assume? If the latter then YAB a bit U.

matahairyy · 15/06/2019 08:51

sure he is golfing?

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 08:55

In fact the clubs will need to be sold too.

While I agree the DH needs to pull his finger out and find work, this seems super controlling.

Can you imagine what would happen if a woman posted that she had come home and her husband had sold her hobby equipment (which was good for her physical and mental health) and told her she had to stop? I can hear the screams of LTB from here!

MissCharleyP · 15/06/2019 08:57

You’re not BU to expect him to communicate his plans to you, but the weather isn’t anyone’s fault. You are maybe being a bit U at seemingly expecting him to get a job just like that, don’t know where you are but I’m scared if I lose my job. There’s nothing at all where I live, nothing and it’d be a real struggle to find even low-paid work.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2019 08:58

He doesn't get to be angry. Really, he does not!

This is your life together. He cannot continue to brush you off. He has to overcome his fear (as that is probably what it is) and discuss your joint future.

You are going to have to try again. It is sad he is burying his head in the sand and using his time to play golf as a handy distraction. He is, effectively, opting out and leaving all the 'adulting 'to you!

callmeadoctor · 15/06/2019 09:01

But OP you have had all week together, of course you could have gone somewhere, rain or not. From his point of view he has spent all week with you and now has a day playing golf. Why not join him?

BlueJava · 15/06/2019 09:04

YANBU to want to know in advance and to want days out together (with nice weather). However I think the golf is just a symptom of the problem. You need to have a talk about the future and money - it seems from your posts that this isn't sorted at all. You also mention he's been like this "for years" - do you still want that to continue because it doesn't sounds like he'll change. If you do get the finances sorted and you do still want to be with him then you need to think about what you want to do for you - and plan on doing things without him.

MuttsNutts · 15/06/2019 09:06

Hmm...you have had all week together and could still have gone out and done things despite the weather.

You say you hoped you’d go to London today - had you actually spoken to him about that?

To be fair, a big heart attack would have been a huge life-changing shock and probably made him re-evaluate his priorities. I can’t say I blame him for wanting to spend his time doing things he enjoys and maybe a new kitchen isn’t on his list of things to get excited about spending a lot of money on (wouldn’t be on mine either if I’d nearly died).

donajimena · 15/06/2019 09:09

Lottie you'd have blown a fuse at the poor woman being told to sell her horse then despite working to pay for it

ilovesooty · 15/06/2019 09:12

Given your previous posts I'd have got rid of this tosser by now.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 09:13

We live in an area where jobs are plenty.I have left jobs one day and got one the next week twice.l
His first job was near his home and found by his DM.They went under after 10 years so he got a job on the same site and when they moved miles away he followed.He has always lacked confidence hence working through cut hours and using a large portion of money on travel.
People think I am bossy however he is unmotivated and only started gardening once I did yesterday.I would have more luck if my DS lost his job.
I'm not normally here much so have tried not to nag.He did tell me he wouldn't look it I did.!!I told him this is blackmail.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 15/06/2019 09:15

I feel like he has retired at 59

That's cos he has.

I've seen this a lot before. People in their 50s who lose their jobs and just couldn't be arsed to ever work again. The state pension isn't far away and you're earning. So he won't. It's not going to happen.

I think you need to have a Road To Damascus moment that he is never going to work again. You are going to be supporting both of you for the next few years. I'm sorry.

Darkcloudsandsunnydays · 15/06/2019 09:15

Can he actually get a job at age 59 after a heart attack. He is probably better off down the golf course getting some fitness back with a reasonably gentle exercise. Could you join him and work less hours. A new kitchen would not be at the top of my priority list either.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2019 09:17

dona a horse if a LOT more expensive than golfing........ not an accurate comparison.

Goodideaatthetime007 · 15/06/2019 09:19

He should communicate more about golf days but I think it would be unreasonable to stop him playing or expect him to sell his clubs. You would get a fraction of what he paid for them and even unemployed people deserve a hobby.

And as for looking for a job - I don’t think there will be much out there for a man of 59 who doesn’t have much of a track record (two low paid jobs in all his life) and who lacks confidence. It would be more realistic to accept his days of paid employment are over and start making plans about how you as a couple can move forward on just one salary. If after that he does find something it will be a bonus.

Have some sympathy for him, it must be difficult to be a relatively young man and feel that your working days are over. It’s not surprising he is seeking solace in golf.

Don’t sit at home moping today OP. Go to London on your own. Do something that gives you pleasure (I’m going to the National,this afternoon to see Small Island). On Monday morning make an appointment with a FA to see how you two can move forward financially.

ChicCroissant · 15/06/2019 09:21

Did you book something for today, OP? Or tell him that you were both going to London for the day?

I get the impression that you don't like him golfing (fair enough, I know that it takes a big part of the day) and that you haven't actually made any plans for today because it was a bit of a 'test' to see if he would dump his golf and take you out. The danger with that approach is that when he fails - as he has - what do you do?

If you'd booked something in advance you'd have been going out by now. What has changed for you if he's always been like this? Is it the lack of a job or additional family health stress? It is often the small things that actually tip you over the edge in a situation and they don't have to be related at all to the real problem!

I know you said you don't currently drive, but I hope you can get out today somewhere yourself.

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