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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to communicate when he is golfing...Another weekend ruined!

91 replies

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:17

A few years ago my husband suddenly took up golf.He had had a heart attack and this was relaxation.I must admit I found it odd and took me a while to get used to.
A few months ago he lost his job and has not looked.for work with the exception of 2 jobs I found and sent him for.He got severance pay which was a pittance and didn't use this time to compile a cv.He is late 50s.
So this week I booked off.I work 55 hours a week and was looking forward to chilling and going out.The weather spoilt virtually all our plans which can't be helped.
Friday and today we're looking the best.Then I see the golf trolley battery charging.Dh is golfing all day.WTF......I'm so angry he didn't tell me or write it on the kitchen calendar.He knows I work all weekends and booked last Sun and this saturday.All week he could be told me.I would be gone out Friday somewhere had I known.
He did this the last long weekend I had.There was a family do.He claimed he told me he didn't then he went. He has been like this for years and can't see when you live together communication is key.
Admittedly it isn't his fault I don't currently drive but his lack of respect and unwillingness to look for work( I would ve been onto it the day I found out).I thought he had changed but he put his golf before my birthday and was going to go the weekend my Df died until I pointed out it would be wise not to.
I feel a bit like I am being unreasonable as he needs something to do when I'm working but on this occasion I think he is!!

OP posts:
quietcontentment · 15/06/2019 10:42

Sorry op I think yabu, I'm a golf widow withv2 kids. My hubby has lots of health issues, he has had 2 suspected heart attacks, double vision which is getting worse, glaucoma and other s which are progressively getting worse. There is going to come a time where he can't play golf, but I will still get to spend time with him as a result. I want him to enjoy it while he can, he has worked stupid hours for years and I want him now to enjoy his life before his health dictates otherwise.
My advice? You communicate with him more, I know my hubby worries more about his health than he,s letting on and he worries that when he retires from our business he may never work again. I know deep down he his struggling with these changes so much that to take way the golf could tip him.
Just a thought....

tinytemper66 · 15/06/2019 10:44

Not the point but I would go to London anyway!

lazyarse123 · 15/06/2019 10:51

I have every sympathy for you, it's not controlling to want time together. He can play golf all he wants while you are working. I don't know the answer I wish I did.

Cherrysoup · 15/06/2019 10:54

He’s lazy. How is paying for his golf? It’s an expensive game.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 11:00

I have just advertised him on a local selling site.People are sending job links.Come Monday he will follow them up.Yes.Perhaps working 55 hour weeks in a hot fast paced environment isn't a good idea for much longer.We had such a low income with the mortgage I lost loads of weight through stress when the dcs were small.
I guess now I feel responsible..obliged to push myself though I do find work therapeutic.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 15/06/2019 11:14

Has he been paying into a private pension while working? If so, he may well be able to start getting that once he's 60, and doesn't see any need to get a job if he'll be getting a pension in a few months time.

But YANBU about the golf. That would piss me off, too.

Seeingadistance · 15/06/2019 11:53

I feel sorry for the man, tbh.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 11:59

😀

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 13:18

He has made no attempts off his own back to look for work in 6 months.I would nt expect this from my grown up dc.

OP posts:
adaline · 15/06/2019 13:36

But he's 59 years old and has had a heart attack. He's going to find it very difficult to find another job at his age. Retailers pay less to U25's - why would they hire someone close to retirement who they'd have to pay more?

I think you're focusing on the golf issue because you're annoyed that he's coming up to retirement age and you still have to work long hours. It's a big change in a previously balanced relationship.

You've had all week together - you chose to cancel your plans due to the weather - that was your choice! There's still plenty to do if the weather isn't great - you just chose to stay home instead.

Now he wants to go golfing after spending what, the last 4/5 days with you? Why is that a problem?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 13:51

The problem is I didn't know.I could ve rearranged the week had I known.Also it is the best day for outdoor pursuits which with both love.He says we don't go out enough.We can't if he goes out with his mates.Luckily the local selling site has been most useful.I have several phone contacts for him in his field.
If he doesn't pursue them then I will know for sure he has no intention of working.Decisions can be made.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2019 13:55

Bloody hell but some posters have really low expectations.

OP describes her working hours, her DHs lifestyle and head in the sand attitude and she gets it in the neck because 6 years ago he had a heart attack.

That doesn't automatically mean you don't work again and, if OP who knows his medical status, thinks he could work then nobody here knows any better.

OP is in a difficult space and her DH has just opted out of being any positive part of a solution to their issues.

He needs to remember he is an adult and has responsibilities other than starting a round of golf on time.

TheBrockmans · 15/06/2019 13:57

Could you make enquiries at the golf course for employment? Then he can probably get some discount membership, he can't complain that he doesn't like it.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 14:16

Thank you.Yes he has medication and stents and has been ok for years physically although he doesn't pay attention to his diet or weight.I knew when I met him he wasn't ambitious however his laid back attitude and kindness was very attractive.
If he was actively seeking work but denied it I wouldn't mind.This could happen to me when I'm older.
I also understand I am a workaholic.
I don't mind get the yeah I will get a job then nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 14:18

Yes! The Brockmans. I always say make your hobby your job that is why I am a chef.

OP posts:
Shefliesonherownwings · 15/06/2019 14:42

Your issue seems to be more about his lack of drive to get another job which does sound frustrating and something you need to properly address with him rather than feeling resentful about.

But in terms of the golf, you still haven't said if you mentioned to him about doing something together on Friday. I say that as the wife of a golfer. If we'd had all week together I wouldn't expect him to automatically know I wanted to do something on Friday just cos the weather was nice. If you didn't say you wanted to do something together then yabu.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 15:04

I would expect him to prioritize me for the only week I'm off.I wrote it on the calendar.Or at least tell me he is out on the best weather day this week.He had all week to say and if he thought I forgot remind me.What is done is done.

OP posts:
Thequaffle · 15/06/2019 15:07

YANBU. He can golf any time since he hasn’t got a job. Why do it when you have time off?

ChicCroissant · 15/06/2019 16:16

I have just advertised him on a local selling site.People are sending job links.

Hmm

Really? How would you feel if this happened to you, OP? Are you in a manic phase at the moment because this would be a very aggressive action to take against anyone, let alone your spouse.

callmeadoctor · 15/06/2019 16:54

How on earth was he to know that Saturday was going to have the best weather? (although here it has been torrential rain all day!. I think that selling him seems a bit drastic though Wink

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 17:59

I have lots of responses.Someone needs to get things moving.No one would ever need to do this for me.I check all the jobs online in my field and could easily get one of needed.
Sitting by and waiting to lose my home isn't an option.
I've been very patient the last few months.If he doesn't follow them up I will know for sure he is lazy and not lacking in confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 18:01

The weather forecast said it was.better fri,sat.

OP posts:
rvby · 15/06/2019 18:06

@whatisforteamum you have been moaning about this guy for literally years on here. Are you ever going to accept that this is just the way he is?

You can keep expecting him to care about you and what you want. But just understand that you're only hurting yourself here.

FWIW I think if hes had a heart attack at 59, I can understand why work isnt his priority anymore.

Beyond that - has he ever been someone who puts you first? Stop expecting him to be who he isn't

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 18:19

Yes he was a very caring husband.Then he had a heart attack and became quite aggressive.Probably about the time I stated posting on here.His moods have stabilized so no anger outbursts now.
I would say we reached a comfortable point where we not along quiet well except for the poor communication.The job loss isn't his fault.I just think he should be more pro active hence why I'm asking on here to get opinions as I'm far more work minded and disciplined than some people.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 18:20

His heart attack was.six.years ago.

OP posts:
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