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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to communicate when he is golfing...Another weekend ruined!

91 replies

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 08:17

A few years ago my husband suddenly took up golf.He had had a heart attack and this was relaxation.I must admit I found it odd and took me a while to get used to.
A few months ago he lost his job and has not looked.for work with the exception of 2 jobs I found and sent him for.He got severance pay which was a pittance and didn't use this time to compile a cv.He is late 50s.
So this week I booked off.I work 55 hours a week and was looking forward to chilling and going out.The weather spoilt virtually all our plans which can't be helped.
Friday and today we're looking the best.Then I see the golf trolley battery charging.Dh is golfing all day.WTF......I'm so angry he didn't tell me or write it on the kitchen calendar.He knows I work all weekends and booked last Sun and this saturday.All week he could be told me.I would be gone out Friday somewhere had I known.
He did this the last long weekend I had.There was a family do.He claimed he told me he didn't then he went. He has been like this for years and can't see when you live together communication is key.
Admittedly it isn't his fault I don't currently drive but his lack of respect and unwillingness to look for work( I would ve been onto it the day I found out).I thought he had changed but he put his golf before my birthday and was going to go the weekend my Df died until I pointed out it would be wise not to.
I feel a bit like I am being unreasonable as he needs something to do when I'm working but on this occasion I think he is!!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 15/06/2019 19:04

I thought he had changed but he put his golf before my birthday and was going to go the weekend my Df died until I pointed out it would be wise not to.

Going golfing when your dad died says it all really. That he needed you to tell him it was unwise indicates a serious lack of emotional intelligence or shows he simply doesn't care about you and is outright selfish.

A loving husband would want to support his wife following the death of her father...not bugger off and play golf.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 19:19

True.Df was ill for six weeks before he died as he had cancer.He was going downhill fast as it had gone to his brain.
GP said to gather the family .We went Fri and Dad was picking at the sheets and not his coherent self
.I couldn't drive so dh took me back Saturday where df had the death rattle.😢Despite golfing on the thurs which was an annual one he was still going to go saturday.He got on really well with Df over 30 years.Made no sense to me.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 15/06/2019 19:34

Heart attacks can be minor or major and not everyone necessarily retires afterwards. I actually find patients return to work to stay active and maintain their sense of normalcy. If he can golf and do the other tasks OP has listed then he can work even if reduced hours or reduced activity. Depression is very common after a heart attack and perhaps this is in play?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 19:48

He has a major heart attack.He definitely became depressed as his own dm died of one at 44.He has anti depressants and after a while coming to terms with it I treated him like normal to prevent him becoming a patient.He was told to improve his diet which he did but now he eats so much junk.I hope he doesn't leave his dcs they say his dm left him.

OP posts:

Ihatehashtags · 15/06/2019 20:07

He sounds lazy. My dad got made redundant at 62 and went out and got another job.

Orangeballon · 15/06/2019 20:22

Who is he pairing up with at the golf? Male or female?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 21:07

All men...lads.Some of them retired.Just told him I found several leads for jobs.He seemed interested and kissed me.Said thank you.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 15/06/2019 22:30

He retired at 53, that's not normal and 59 isn't old and decrepit like some pp are making out. It's middle aged.

adaline · 15/06/2019 22:38

59 isn't old and decrepit like some pp are making out.

No, but it is bloody hard to go and start a new career path at that age. He has about six years before retirement age - what new job do you envisage him getting?

Not many companies are going to spend time and money training a sixty year old when they could pay a 19 year old much else to do the same job.

GummyGoddess · 15/06/2019 23:01

He's dossed around for 6 years, would have been easily trained up when he had a decade or more minimum left. Plus OP says that there are loads of jobs available that don't require intense training. I think she said garden centres and supermarket driving?

Possibly I am not the best person to ask that. I work in finance and there are not many people left in the local area with experience in the industry. So I actually work with men and women in their late 40's - mid 50's who have had no experience in the industry (HR widened their recruitment criteria as we are desperate for staff) and they're all picking things up very quickly and are extremely competent.

Not everyone gets to retirement age and immediately packs in work. There are at least two people in my department who retired for about a week, got bored and then came back to work. Several more of them just didn't bother to retire though that's mainly women.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 15/06/2019 23:20

He hasn't dossed around six years.He had a heart attack six years ago.Made redundant almost three months ago.

OP posts:

adaline · 16/06/2019 07:28

He's dossed around for 6 years,

No he hasn't! He worked full time up until he was made redundant three months ago.

GummyGoddess · 16/06/2019 07:30

whatisforteamum oops, clearly misread that timeline, sorry! Though that does put him in a way better position to find work if it's only been 12 weeks.

GummyGoddess · 16/06/2019 07:30

adaline cross posted, misread the timeline

adaline · 16/06/2019 09:54

See I don't think it does put him in a good position.

Very few places are going to hire a 59 year old - sounds harsh but it's true. He's 5/6 years away from retirement - that's not ideal in the workplace.

What companies are going to hire someone of that age? Especially someone with no experience - and when they can hire someone who's 19 and who's wage will be less (as minimum wage for 19 year olds is lower) and a 19 year old is more likely to stay - the 59 year old will be retiring sooner rather than later.

It's very very difficult for people in their fifties or similar to get new jobs - especially in brand new sectors. He may be able to get a job in retail or hospitality but the hours and pay will be pretty rubbish.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 16/06/2019 22:18

He has several places to phone Monday morning after I enquired locally.Some in the field he has worked in for 32 years and a stone's throw away.All he would need is something to keep the wolf from the door.TB h I went back today and wondered how I can do my job all summer in the heat😥.Normally I thrive on it😁 Oh the jobs of manual work as.we reach a certain age!.

OP posts:

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