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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my rage justified?

119 replies

Catmum26 · 14/06/2019 21:24

My DH annoys me almost daily for a variety of reasons (currently discussing separating so maybe i’m more touchy than usual atm) but the thing that annoys me the most and that has tipped my rage to boiling point this evening is i have just spent a good half hour cleaning the bathroom between trying to deal with a clingy grizzly 9 month old because DH has invited a load of his family over on sunday for father’s day for dinner (which i will be cooking) in our rather small 2 bed house and a dining table that sits 2. Anyway every time i clean the bathroom he chooses that day to do a monster toilet blocking shit or shave his beard or trim his balls which means a storm of hairs covering the bathroom. today he has just had a bath and left what looks like a yeti has shaved its entire body in the bathtub. he’s left his towel screwed up on the floor, toothpaste all in the sink, shower gel open and dripping down the bath, talc from his ball polishing on the floor.
i dont shout even though i’m fuming, i just say ‘DH I have cleaned the bathroom less than an hour ago and you have left it in a right state could you go and tidy it up please’ (considering i’ve just spent an hour trying to get our child to sleep whilst you had a leisurely soak.) And do you know what the bastard said...

‘OH WELL’

i’m so fuming and hate his guts right now. AIBU or am i justified in feeling so much hate?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/06/2019 22:39

When you separate, please do the Freedom programme, OP, you really sound like you need it. He’s a twat and you’re enabling him.

cliffy69 · 14/06/2019 22:41

@Meowington, 100% yes. Woman after my own heart! Grin

Let the motherfucker pick pubes out of his Sunday roast Grin

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/06/2019 22:43

he is a good dad

Ffs. Why do women who are being treated appallingly by their DH/DP always trot this one out? OP, he is NOT a good dad as he is a lazy, disrespectful and faithless shit to his child’s mother. Raise your bar ffs.

Franklyyes · 14/06/2019 22:49

You come on here asking for advice and then you say ... aww but it’s his first Father’s Day blahblahblahblahblah. Do you want to be with him. If not then don’t sort out Sunday otherwise u are a mug. He doesn’t care about u so why should u ?

Somerford · 14/06/2019 22:49

*innocent voice ON

Isn't Father's Day the day when men prove what wonderful nurturing fathers they are by caring for their children , cooking for their family and generally showing that fathers can do stuff just as well as mothers can?

Skips from the room clutching a brochure for a women only spa....*+

There's a time and a place for this bullshit. This thread isnt it.

Goodideaatthetime007 · 14/06/2019 22:57

My sister had a similar situation with her BF inviting his family round, just informing her of it and expecting her to be the little woman and prepare the meal. Strong words were exchanged but he still went to pick his parents up leaving her cooking (he thought) and took them to a local pub for a drink before dinner. When they arrived at the house for dinner the ingredients were still in the fridge/laid out in the kitchen and she was nowhere to be seen. She had taken herself off to the pub her BFF worked in and had a very nice solo Sunday roast there, followed by a lock-in with all the staff after that. (pre mobile phone days so no way of him contacting her).

She eventually got home at 4pm in the morning and it was never spoken of again. He didn’t invite his family around without checking again either.

MirriVan · 14/06/2019 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitingForMyFabric · 14/06/2019 23:28

As others said, Sunday morning, get dressed, take baby, go out for the day.
Leave him and his family to it.
Enjoy your day, either with your family, or out for shopping and a meal.

foreverhanging · 14/06/2019 23:42

Fuck that guy

BlackPrism · 14/06/2019 23:44

He should clean up after himself but cannot not shave or shit. It's ok you're angry about his lack of respect.

I don't clean up more than a surface level before his family comes - DP can do that and if it's not great they can judge him.

foreverhanging · 14/06/2019 23:45

I wouldn't be cooking jack shit. Or making anything special for him.
He's a special sort of cunt though, isn't he ?

Homebird8 · 14/06/2019 23:45

If you do split then I expect you would want to spend mothers’ day with your DC. So let him start now on fathers’ day. Go out. Have you got a dad you can visit?

PickAChew · 14/06/2019 23:47

Tell him to clean up his mess after himself. Be out of the house when his family visit.

cees · 14/06/2019 23:55

My God but this post is the saddest thing I have read in awhile. You seem so ground down catmum26, that is no way to live. Leave now before your son thinks this is normal because it's not, it's nowhere near normal.

nettie434 · 14/06/2019 23:55

take photos of his pubic hairs etc. send to his parents and say this is another reason why I am leaving the two timing bastard so there will be no dinner on Sunday.

That made me snort with laughter Justasking.

I know every other poster has suggested going out but I would probably do Sunday lunch through gritted teeth only so he could not play the ‘all I wanted was a special first Father’s Day’ card. But things obviously have to change. I think threefavouritethings analogy to pulling a plaster is really helpful but as separation (or possibly going to Relate or similar but it doesn’t sound as if you want that) will take some time, I’d wait till Monday rather than Sunday.

Stefoscope · 14/06/2019 23:58

YANBU, your rage is entirely justified. You were good enough to clean for the benefit of his family and your children. He was the one who made a mess. He was the one who cheated on you whilst pregnant. Agree with finewords, you can be a good father without staying with the mother of your children, but his past and present behaviour suggests he would struggle with this. Most importantly, you sound like a lovely and considerate mother and partner, so stand to lose little should you decide to ditch this selfish dickhead.

mmmhazelnutchocolate · 15/06/2019 00:01

A good dad doesn't treat the mother of his children like shit.

nanbread · 15/06/2019 00:11

A good dad doesn't treat the mother of his children like shit.

This.

Also, is he really a good dad?

Does he do stuff like make sure any medical appointments or concerns are taken care of, night time wakings, make sure you have enough of the right medicines, what about clothes in the next size up, does he find or plan activities he thinks your DC would like, does he prepare and buy the right food?

Or is he just good at the fun easy stuff like playing, reading, cuddling, singing?

justilou1 · 15/06/2019 00:27

You know a lot of people don’t realize that charging their phones while they’re in the bath is potentially lethal, right? I’m pretty sure he has an extra-long cord.....
🤭🤫🤭

EKGEMS · 15/06/2019 00:50

Oh SURE he's a GOOD Dad!!! What the actual fuck? Let's analyze this for a moment: He cheats on you while you were pregnant with his child and you stayed with him? You bust your ass cleaning and cooking and parenting yet he destroys all your hard work in mere minutes? He invites his fucking family over so you can be a slave on Sunday and you want to make it special? You're not too kind you're certifiable! Pretty soon your child will treat you with contempt and disrespect that they learned from dear old Dad! How's that future looking for you? How low can your self respect and dignity go?

fargo123 · 15/06/2019 04:28

He cheats on you whilst you're pregnant and treats you like an unpaid skivvy and you're still with him and agreeing to cook his family a meal?? Confused

You really need to get help with building up your self esteem and to stop being a doormat.

despite his flaws as a husband, he is a good dad and i’m torn with what is best for my son.
No. He's not a good dad. He's a shit dad and a shit person. Good dads don't cheat on their child's mother or treat her like garbage. The best thing you can do for your child is to get him away from this toxic arsehole.

Don't cook the meal.
Don't clean up his mess.
Do work on your self esteem.
Do go out tomorrow and leave him to it.
Do make sure his family his family know what an arsehole he is and that he cheated on you.
Do leave him permanently.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 15/06/2019 04:39

Your bar is way too low.

If you don't get some self esteem, it doesn't matter if you split up with him or not, because you'll just end up with some other piece of shit who treats you the same way.

KC225 · 15/06/2019 06:07

If it his first Father's Day, that means you would have been pregnant with his first child - kindness didn't stop him from having an affair. Go to poundland get him a Father's day mug and Card Factory for First Father's Day card. Then cancel Sunday and spend your kindness on YOU.

Imnotbent · 15/06/2019 06:51

Your rage is justified.
If you enable it to happen he will keep doing it. Just for once don’t do it please get help instead.

Spend the time looking at the freedom program instead of pandering to him, there is enough online to get you started.

RedDogsBeg · 15/06/2019 11:56

AlexaAmbidextra I couldn't agree with you and others more, this mealy mouthed crap about a shit husband being a good dad drives me mad.

A good dad does not treat the mother of his child the way you are being treated OP, wake up.