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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my rage justified?

119 replies

Catmum26 · 14/06/2019 21:24

My DH annoys me almost daily for a variety of reasons (currently discussing separating so maybe i’m more touchy than usual atm) but the thing that annoys me the most and that has tipped my rage to boiling point this evening is i have just spent a good half hour cleaning the bathroom between trying to deal with a clingy grizzly 9 month old because DH has invited a load of his family over on sunday for father’s day for dinner (which i will be cooking) in our rather small 2 bed house and a dining table that sits 2. Anyway every time i clean the bathroom he chooses that day to do a monster toilet blocking shit or shave his beard or trim his balls which means a storm of hairs covering the bathroom. today he has just had a bath and left what looks like a yeti has shaved its entire body in the bathtub. he’s left his towel screwed up on the floor, toothpaste all in the sink, shower gel open and dripping down the bath, talc from his ball polishing on the floor.
i dont shout even though i’m fuming, i just say ‘DH I have cleaned the bathroom less than an hour ago and you have left it in a right state could you go and tidy it up please’ (considering i’ve just spent an hour trying to get our child to sleep whilst you had a leisurely soak.) And do you know what the bastard said...

‘OH WELL’

i’m so fuming and hate his guts right now. AIBU or am i justified in feeling so much hate?

OP posts:

MrsAJ27 · 14/06/2019 22:14

You sound lovely OP...he is taking you for a Mug though and you deserve so much more

namechanger0064 · 14/06/2019 22:15

A good dad? How?

Had sex with someone whilst you were pregnant
Treats you like shit

I'm so sorry lovely, I have never written anything so horrid, but protect yourself and your heart first. No one appreciates a martyr. Feeling special is a reciprocal act.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/06/2019 22:15

I am much too kind for my own good

Oh sweetheart, this isn't because you are too kind.

Too ground down
Too exhausted
Too scared of the repercussions
Too blinded by hope
Too concerned about his family judging you
Too desperate to stay together
Too worried that if you split up he will do the bare minimum with your child and s/he will miss out on a relationship with their dad
Too unsure about what the future looks like on your own.

But not kindness. It's not kindness to skivvy for a cheating arsehole who thinks so little of you.

Original poster

Catmum26 · 14/06/2019 22:16

those asking about mother’s day, he got me a card and some chocolates and then cooked dinner so he did make an effort.

OP posts:

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 14/06/2019 22:16

What a dick. He doesn’t deserve you. Even his own family would hate him if they knew. Please don’t allow him to treat you like this any more.

SandAndSea · 14/06/2019 22:17

Just imagine how lovely your home would be if he wasn't there. Bliss!

Pearlfish · 14/06/2019 22:17

Please please please don't cook dinner on Sunday!

Somerford · 14/06/2019 22:18

Jesus fucking christ. OP, you're better than this. I won't presume to understand what has brought you to this point but this is no way to live. Don't let your child grow up watching you be treated this way.

AllFourOfThem · 14/06/2019 22:21

He isn’t a good dad at all. He is showing your child that it is acceptable to treat women/wives/mothers/supposedly loved ones like that.

I agree about leaving the bathroom as he left it and going out on Sunday. As others have said, you aren’t being kind. You’re actually enabling his awful behaviour and providing a poor role model to your son.

Leaving might be horrible and difficult but you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed so long and be so glad you are no longer with him.

Deadringer · 14/06/2019 22:21

I asked about mother's day op, just out of curiosity. So he didn't clean the whole house and have a dinner party of you then, while caring for his baby? Anyway i agree with pp, go out on Sunday, it is literally his mess, leave him to it.

ScrambledSmegs · 14/06/2019 22:21

Good dads don’t treat the mothers of their children like shit on their shoes.

VeThings · 14/06/2019 22:22

In all honesty, how can he be a good dad when he’s happy to leave all the shit work to you?

I’d be a bloody marvellous mum if I had time to have long baths while someone else sorted a crying baby and cleaned all around me. All I’d do is play with baby, feed him meals that someone else has planned, shopped for and prepared, clothe him with items that someone else has thought about, shopped for and then cleaned, dried and put away.

When people say ‘but he’s a good dad’, I really struggle to see that’s true if he’s so disrespectful to the other parent. I think what it usually means is that he’s willing to look after DC and be nice to them whilst the mum gets on with doing everything else for the family.

Meowington · 14/06/2019 22:23

I know you said you will still do something for him for Father’s Day but I’d take a giant shit in the toilet, cover every plate, pot, pan, knife, fork and spoon in the house in ketchup, shave my vag in the kitchen and then fuck off out for a Spa Day!!

But that’s just me!

EvacuateTheCardinals · 14/06/2019 22:23

So he had an affair while you were pregnant, he treats you like a skivvy and you feel guilty for not making a big effort for him on Father's Day? Sorry to say this OP but you are a mug.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 14/06/2019 22:24

But I'm assuming that was just dinner for you, not your whole family right?

Just tell him as far as dinner goes, he's on his own. If he starts protesting etc, you have the perfect response..

"Oh well"

Somuchroom · 14/06/2019 22:26

Wow. Come on OP... what you going to do? This relationship is over. There is no coming back from this, even if you want to, the damage is done. You need to be strong now for your dc before this man entirely kills your spirit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2019 22:27

"i’ve been going backwards and forwards with how i feel about separating mainly because despite his flaws as a husband, he is a good dad and i’m torn with what is best for my son."
A good dad? How? In what way does be a 'good dad'? I'm seeing a man who, as soon as his son is old enough to notice, will be modelling piss-poor behaviour for his son to copy (monkey see, monkey do ...). So that his son will grow up thinking he can treat women as poorly as his dad does and they will put up with it, because that is the behaviour his mum is modelling.

Is that what you want for your son? For him to be as big an arsehole as his dad?

"... however I am much too kind for my own good sometimes and would feel incredibly guilty especially as it’s his first father’s day i still want to make it special for him even though he is a massive penis."
That's not being kind, that's being a doormat. Tell me, what did HE do to make Mother's Day special for you?

AllFourOfThem · 14/06/2019 22:28

those asking about mother’s day, he got me a card and some chocolates and then cooked dinner so he did make an effort.

That’s really not making an effort. That’s just a lazy attempt at doing something out of the ordinary for the day. It also implies he rarely/never buys you chocolate or a treat for no reason and doesn’t normally cook dinner.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2019 22:28

Ah, cross-posted, sorry. He cooked dinner. Well woop de fucking do. With a 9-month old to wrestle, he should be doing that anyway, at least half the time.

Nancydrawn · 14/06/2019 22:30

OP, if you can afford it financially and time wise, I highly recommend a few individual counseling sessions for you. You need to figure out what your boundaries are and how to enforce them.

NauseousMum · 14/06/2019 22:33

So a token effort especially in comparison to what you are doing. One good/ok day shouldn't make up for all the shit. If you find yourself focusing back on the 'good' he is, things are already wrong. In a good, equal relationship the good is par for the course, not an effort.

happybunny007 · 14/06/2019 22:36

The bathroom shows his attitude to your niceness

This.

kateandme · 14/06/2019 22:37

your response op is why he will keep doing it.and he will cheat again and do all the same shit.stand up and fight back for yourself.this man doesnt respect you and everything he is doing shows this.and everyone you are doing in response is him having his cake and eating it and you being miserable.
its not being kind to your kid to give this shit a good fathers day.they need to see mum fighting for herslef and the little one to have a decent respecting dad!

viques · 14/06/2019 22:37

innocent voice ON

Isn't Father's Day the day when men prove what wonderful nurturing fathers they are by caring for their children , cooking for their family and generally showing that fathers can do stuff just as well as mothers can?

Skips from the room clutching a brochure for a women only spa.....

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/06/2019 22:37

If he really is a good dad then he will continue to be a good dad when you split up, surely? He will share parenting, take equal time off work for school holidays and sickness, put his child's needs above his own, and treat the mother of that child with respect and decency? Him being a good dad makes it easier to split up, not harder.

Or....is he only a "good dad" as long as someone else (you) is doing the shit work? Do you actually mean "our child adores him" (which little children are programmed to do) rather than any actual day to day effort from him?

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