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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night

120 replies

Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:19

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night with the childminder taking the kids to school the following morning to celebrate finishing a course when three days later she had a entire weekend without them where she could have partied her socks off. It's the school night not the fact that she wanted to celebrate her course? B is 8 G is 13? Honest opinions welcome

OP posts:

Marvinmarvinson · 14/06/2019 20:39

Well it's all very well you saying you wouldn't have done it but you don't actually have them yourself on a school night so it's an easy claim to make when you're actually free to do what you want on those nights. You have way more free time than her so you can't judge her by what you would do.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 14/06/2019 20:39

I don't begrudge the mother of my children having time out to socialise but is something that I would still not consider

three days later she had a entire weekend without them where she could have partied her socks off.

These comments aren't compatible. You don't begrudge her time out (which is magnanimous given she's not your partner so her social life is nothing at all to do with you) but you'll then make digs like the second comment. So clearly you do begrudge her doing what she did.

You are going to have to co-parent for a considerable length of time yet, and judging her for the choices she makes which don't impact on you is going to lead to resentment and unkindness. Your children are safe, nurtured and loved, beyond that her actions are nothing to do with you.

TowerRavenSeven · 14/06/2019 20:39

Yabu, sorry.

BarryBarryTaylor · 14/06/2019 20:41

Are you hurt perhaps because she didn’t ask you to look after them?

I’m a CM and my mindees frequently ask to have sleepovers at mine, they seem to think it would be amazing fun...maybe your children wanted to stay overnight?

kierenthecommunity · 14/06/2019 20:53

I don't begrudge the mother of my children having time out to socialise

Wow, what a Prince amongst men!

but is something that I would still not consider

Easy peasy for you to say as someone who doesn’t parent two children pretty much full time

a babysitter for the evening by all means but for me overnight on a school night seemed to be a poor choice

Because of their ‘routine’? They are 13 and 8 YEARS old right? Not months?

tolerable · 14/06/2019 20:54

wow! your ex might finished course with a whole class of people-who then celebrated on an arranged night.you dont forfeit your right to a life when you have kids.she provided safe and adequate childcare..and your making a fuss. have you considered encouraging the(probably unaffected cared for kids)to get a well done mum card. ? ..-compare to this real life event.my oldest child graduates uni-early start,miles from home.i have to stay over the weeknight before or cant possibly go.that means little bro will stay at a friends.never stayed there before.is exited,as is friend. am i out of order?

Maccapacca88 · 14/06/2019 20:58

My ex has our children a damn sight more than you have yours and he wouldn’t dream of having a go at me for daring to arrange childcare to celebrate a big achievement! In fact he’d be here picking them up and telling me to enjoy. Try stepping up and parenting your children before judging the person who is actually raising them.

PeachesAndMayo · 14/06/2019 21:15

They were well cared for and turned out to school nicely and on time. Frankly it's her time so not for you to interfere. Unless you think that she shouldn't ever have time off during the week while you have all week to have nights out when you have them some weekends. The kids were not neglected (they'd think it was a holiday having someone else to care for them) so butt out.

PeachesAndMayo · 14/06/2019 21:17

In fact why didn't she think she could ask you to look after them for the night? Too much martyrdom about doing extra nights? Look at yourself and if you care about your kids, make yourself available. They're not to be weaponised.

pintoffginplz · 15/06/2019 02:30

Op have you thought that some of the other people celebrating the end of course is like your Ex and going out on a week night is much easier to find childcare for than on a weekend.

You have some nerve complaining about this when you only have them 2 days out of 14.
Oh and good for you saying you would never abandon your kids for a night out.

VimFuego101 · 15/06/2019 02:33

Rather than criticizing your ex, I'd work on building a better relationship with her so she feels able to contact you to ask for help with childcare when needed.

Ginger1982 · 15/06/2019 21:25

Wow...you can go out any night of the week and she can't because she is looking after your kids.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 17/06/2019 07:01

None of your buisness frankly. You just sound weird and controlling saying that. Chill.

CanILeavenowplease · 17/06/2019 07:22

So really want you want is your ex partner to be forced to Bering up your children with you calling the shots and controlling how that happens without you having any practical input.

You perhaps need to admit to yourself that the idea of her having a life (and eventually ‘moving on’) is something that bothers you. You can’t control it. Your relationship is over and she is getting on with her life. Inevitably, this means she will go out and enjoy herself.

Get some counselling nd deal with your feelings. She no longer answers to you.

Beesandcheese · 17/06/2019 07:31

Oh sheesh my ex does this church elders crap about me daring to arrange my once a year social life around my children. What is the alternative? She doesn't celebrate her achievement?, That's quite controlling, is that why you are the ex? Would you prefer she takes the children out With her?
A parent organised suitable supervision for her children?
And you wanted to see what, people stroking your ego that clearly she is unfit and deserves tarring and feathering? You need to perhaps fill all that free time you have with something other than judging your exes every move.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/06/2019 07:34

Perhaps you could offer to have them if she needs a night out?

PompeyBez · 17/06/2019 07:39

Well she sounds like a rubbish parent! Leaving her children with an appropriately qualified adult for a one-off night out to celebrate a hard earned achievement! Someone call SS

cricketmum84 · 17/06/2019 07:40

Weird and controlling. It's got nothing to do with you unless you were willing to look after them instead.

And all this bullshit about routine... they are not babies, one is a teen! I'm sure they can cope with their mum going out once in a while.

I think I can see why you are the ex.

SisterMaryLoquacious · 17/06/2019 07:41

You can tell the OP is new to MN - he apparently came on to AIBU to ask whether HWBU because he wanted to hear and listen to other people’s opinions. Schoolboy error.

budgiegirl · 17/06/2019 08:21

a babysitter for the evening by all means but for me overnight on a school night seemed to be a poor choice

Have you considered though that a childminder overnight is a better option than a babysitter for the evening, if your ex is going to be drinking? Much better to pass the care over to another responsible, sober adult for the night , than having to deal with any possible child related problems during the night if your ex has had a few drinks.

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