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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night

120 replies

Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:19

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night with the childminder taking the kids to school the following morning to celebrate finishing a course when three days later she had a entire weekend without them where she could have partied her socks off. It's the school night not the fact that she wanted to celebrate her course? B is 8 G is 13? Honest opinions welcome

OP posts:
RomanyQueen · 14/06/2019 18:43

Gosh, my dh had the kids when I celebrated with fellow students.
I can see why you are her ex.

AbbyHammond · 14/06/2019 18:43

They're 8 and 13! I think they will survive a slight disruption to their routine.

Their mother's needs are important too.

ChaosIsntAPitChaosIsALadder · 14/06/2019 18:44

How often do you have them then?

Thequaffle · 14/06/2019 18:49

8 and 13 is old enough for their mum to be out. The school night thing might be an issue if it’s happening all the time but now and again isn’t a big deal. Finishing a course is something to celebrate and the celebration usually happens on the day not 3 days later.

PanteneProV · 14/06/2019 18:49

I understand that it’s not something you would have chosen to do, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It sounds like it was a one off for a pretty good reason, so I do think YABU. The children were safe and it won’t harm any child to know that their parents occasionally have a social life.

Freddiefox · 14/06/2019 18:54

- it's not something I would ever do as the I think the children's routine is more important than my social life and didn't understand why the celebration couldn't have waited until the weekend but the consensus here says it is ok - I haven't actually complained to the ex by the way

For context how often do you have them? You’re comment in regards to waiting till the weekend suggests you don’t have them that often as you would know how difficult it is to get everyone together at the same time

Angrybird123 · 14/06/2019 18:55

Given that it was celebrating the end of a course, presumably that's when all the other people were celebrating, so no she couldn't wait til the weekend to dare to have a social life. You haven't said how often you have them but if it's eow plus one night in the week she does a massive lions share and is absolutely entitled to take an occasional night off with appropriate childcare in place.

Leeds2 · 14/06/2019 18:57

Who was the childminder? Family, or a friend that they knew, or someone from an agency?

Original poster
Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:59

Thank you all - I have them alternative weekends and 50% of school holidays. I did appreciate all of that but it is still something I wouldn't consider but that doesn't mean I'm right - hence coming here to get others opinions before I brought it up which as many of you have pointed out is unreasonable of me.

OP posts:
upple · 14/06/2019 19:01

So you have them 2 nights out of 14 OP?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/06/2019 19:02

Lucky you did because looking after children 2 days in 14 is nothing even remotely similar to looking after them 12 in 14.

notapizzaeater · 14/06/2019 19:02

Most childminders aren't insured for overnights. So long as everything was above board then it's just a posh sleepover

Dvg · 14/06/2019 19:02

I would leave my kids with the CM any day, night, weekend.

Not even we have a strict routine, sometimes we go to bed later, sometimes dinner is late, sometimes bathtime is earlier/later and guess what... my kids are just fine.

I grew up with no routine and i am also fine so think your pulling at strings here as its only 1 night not exactly like she has gone on a bender for days.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/06/2019 19:02

I wonder how she could possibly have dumped such a self-righteous control freak prince among men as the OP...

Dvg · 14/06/2019 19:04

Also yeah every other weekend is nothing.

You get to have them 4 days a month, enjoy it and then say goodbye. Try being a parent 24/7 with 4 days off a month.

Angrybird123 · 14/06/2019 19:04

See the thing is, you only have them 2 nights in 14, so you wouldn't do it because having then is such a rarity, not the norm. You have 26 days a month to go out whenever you like. Your ex has the absolute opposite. Glad you sound like you've taken on board what's been said. Try to remember your ex is doing every single bit of day to day parenting whereas you get weekends and holidays with no school run, timetable, work/college to juggle. It's not the same at all. My ex complained that I didn't cook eggs for my kids breakfast like he does without for a moment considering the difference between a working / schoolday and a weekend. Don't be that guy.

RestingBitchFaced · 14/06/2019 19:06

YABU

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 19:06

OP in your current arrangement you have them 2 nights out of 14. Your own rule about not leaving them covers 2 out of 14 nights. Your ex having to follow your rule would mean 12 of her 14 nights are "off limits" for nights out. Do you see how incredibly restrictive that is?

Lunde · 14/06/2019 19:07

People go out to celebrate on the final day of the course/exams - they don't reconvene several days later to fit around one person's childcare situation.

At 8 and 13 your children should be totally fine with the odd night away with a well-known person. Don't they ever go to sleepovers or stay with grandparents or family?

This is a total non-issue

Hopeygoflightly · 14/06/2019 19:08

YABU, unless the childminder kept them up half the night or something??? Sounds fine to me. What your ex does I would imagine is her own business regarding celebrations.

CruellaFeinberg · 14/06/2019 19:09

So you think she shouldn't be able to go out for 12 nights of 14?

Totally YABVVVVVVVVU!

Teachermaths · 14/06/2019 19:11

They are 8 and 13, I'm sure one night away won't ruin their routine!!

You sound OTT precious.

Jarjarblinks · 14/06/2019 19:11

OP well done for listening and responding positively to the posters on the thread. Agree it would be better if the kids were with a parent than a childminder (if we want to go out I tend to ask ex if he will have them for an extra night before asking a childminder and vice versa). Would it be worth mentioning to ex that you heard the kids were at a childminder and say you would be happy to have them to save her the money if this happens again?

Kungfupanda67 · 14/06/2019 19:12

Omg get off his back! He’s asked for opinions, he’s taken on board everyone’s opinions and reconsidered his view. He’s not going to have a go at the ex, he’s reconsidered (which no one ever does on aibu!)

Gingerkittykat · 14/06/2019 19:12

You sound like my ex.

I asked him to drop DD of from his every second weekend to my sister's once because I had dared go out and socialise. He accused me of being an unfit mother, not able to prioritise my child over my social life and all kinds of other things.

The kids were safe and looked after. She is allowed time without them sometimes.