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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night

120 replies

Dadwithquestions43 · 14/06/2019 18:19

AIBU about being upset that my ex left the kids with a childminder on a school night with the childminder taking the kids to school the following morning to celebrate finishing a course when three days later she had a entire weekend without them where she could have partied her socks off. It's the school night not the fact that she wanted to celebrate her course? B is 8 G is 13? Honest opinions welcome

OP posts:

AbbyHammond · 14/06/2019 19:37

It sounds like you never, ever look after your children on a school night?

So really not your place to judge what their mum does on school nights.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 14/06/2019 19:40

So easy to be self righteous about making plans around the children's routine when you only have them for 2 out of every 14 nights.

I presume then that on your free 12 days each fortnight you are sat at home prepping and waiting for your next contact weekend and never, ever go and socialise yourself?

Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 14/06/2019 19:40

It's easy to say you wouldn't consider it when you only see them 4 nights a month. Being selfish righteous when you don't do hardly any care is easy

Out of interest if she'd asked you to have them would you of?

stucknoue · 14/06/2019 19:42

I suspect that the celebration was that night, it's common for it to be on the night the course ended. She made arrangements. Perhaps in the future you could suggest that for one off events you will have the kids? Lives don't neatly fit into Wednesdays and every other weekend, perhaps those who parent with an ex could just be flexible? I don't see much of it here, it's all points scoring

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 14/06/2019 19:42

Exactly what soydora said, easy to say "well I wouldn't do that" from the position of never having to do it!! But glad you've taken it on board!

lunar1 · 14/06/2019 19:45

Why don't you offer to have your children if she ever wants to do something. She can't be expected to only be allowed out on a specific 4 nights a month.

AllStar14 · 14/06/2019 19:45

Oh god you sound just like my ex. What your ex does and when she goes out is absolutely none of your business.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 14/06/2019 19:46

OP,
I’m sorry you’re being given a hard time about this.
I have my son every other week for a week.
I would be very upset if on his dad’s week, I wasn’t given first refusal to look after him.
Perhaps this is something you could broach with your ex, if you are on reasonable terms?

PanteneProV · 14/06/2019 19:46

Thank you all - I have them alternative weekends

This update makes me think you’re definitely very unreasonable. Your ex’s opportunities to have any kind of social life would be severely restricted if she had to wait for the 2 days out of 14 that you have them, and I think it’s too easy for you to judge her when she does such a large majority of the care. In all honesty, what do you really know about school night routines when you are never the one who has to do them...?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2019 19:47

Maybe you ought to go 50/50? You have the dc 3 nights one week and 4 the next. Then rotate. Then come back to us.

ComeAndDance · 14/06/2019 19:47

I’m more surprised that she found a childminder to look after the dcs over night.

Or by childminder do you mean a friend/family member/someone she knew who looked after them for an evening?

If instead if childminder, you replace that by grandmother, wouod it have been more acceptable? I suspect it would tbh.

And don’t compare what you wouod do seeing them EOW to what she does when she responsible for them day in day out. It’s not the same thing. Of course you would want to see them in the weekend you have them. Otherwise they wouod see you. And of course for those two days, they have to be your priority. However, you have to remember that they aren’t your priority the other 12 out of 14 days... that’s 85% of the time.
Seeing that the dcs are your exwife priority 85% of the time, I wouod say that a one off is totally ok...

PinkCrayon · 14/06/2019 19:48

Excellent point there @PanteneProV

GhostIsAGoodBoi · 14/06/2019 19:50

You sound like my ex. Has the DC 4 nights a month and pitches a fit if I dare have a babysitter

saraclara · 14/06/2019 19:50

Jeeze. Unlike most MN AIBU OPsm this guy has actually listened, accepted very quickly that he was wrong, and not even got wound up by the angry folk. Yet STILL people are having a go at him as if he was sticking to his guns.

RTFT people. Or at least his responses.

Windygate · 14/06/2019 19:50

@Dadwithquestions43 would you have been available to take your DC for an extra night?

Grumpos · 14/06/2019 19:53

Maybe the mum doesn’t want the kids to go 50/50? Maybe she doesn’t want them to go every weekend?
Maybe she is happy with the arrangements?
I as feminist as they come but honestly, the automatic assumption that OP is a lazy dad bc of the agreed access is shitty.
My partners ex purposely withholds access and it has required lengthy legal action.
A friends ex works away off shore and so cannot physically have the kids more than 2 wks a month - but he does everything he can to support them emotionally and financially.
There are a multitude of reasons why the NRP might not have kids to the 50/50 extent. The children’s routine being a huge reason alone.
Also, he came back almost immediately and said fair enough being UN, yet the snipers are still out. SMH

Purpleartichoke · 14/06/2019 19:55

I’d be unhappy that I wasn’t offered the chance to care for the kids for the overnight.

nauseous5000 · 14/06/2019 19:57

I think she should have asked you to have the kids first if geography makes that possible, but you must understand that you have 12 nights per fortnight to suit yourself and she only has 2. It was a special occasion and you can't begrudge her a night out to celebrate her achievement.

LannieDuck · 14/06/2019 20:10

Would you have taken them overnight (and dropped them at school the next day) if she'd asked?

sergeilavrov · 14/06/2019 20:24

I think it depends on your relationship now. Are you disappointed she didn't feel comfortable asking you to take them for the night? If so, maybe speak to her calmly and mention that you have no problem helping out where she wants a night out, she doesn't have to worry about whether it'll become an issue (if this is indeed the case).

Had custody been 50/50, I could understand being disappointed she didn't come to you for support (if your relationship is positive). As it isn't, I think understanding she does (quite reasonably) use childcare to support her doing the vast majority of the parenting is important.

Ragh · 14/06/2019 20:28

She probably wasn't out all night but using a CM means she didn't have to do morning drop off with a raging hangover. Very sensible!

FenellaMaxwell · 14/06/2019 20:29

I don't begrudge the mother of my children having time out to socialise but is something that I would still not consider well of course you wouldn’t consider it - you don’t need to, seeing as you don’t even do any school nights.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/06/2019 20:32

Why not send her a nice text offering to have the kids if she wants to go out again to save her the cost of the babysitter? Or are you too far away to ever do a school night?

Poppi89 · 14/06/2019 20:36

As it was a celebration of the end of her course then it was arranged for that particular day so I wouldn't have a problem. I personally wouldn't go out on a school night unless it was for one-off events like this if it meant my child having to sleep somewhere else but if it was someone looking after them at home then it wouldn't bother me.

feathermucker · 14/06/2019 20:38

You mean to say that she left them with a responsible professional and went out?

I'm afraid it's nothing to do with you what happens when they're with her, providing there are no welfare issues involved.

How often do you see them?

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