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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance from estranged FIL

97 replies

MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 13:48

Hiya, WWYD in this situation. I am tying my brain in knots trying to work out the best thing to do.

My DH has been completely NC with his father (bar one acrimonious phone call) for 5 years now. His father is an incredibly manipulative and toxic individual who had an affair and betrayed MIL (who DH and I both adore) resulting in their divorce and also badly bullied MIL, DH and DBIL. DBIL however, still has contact which DH often has to pick up the pieces from to support his brother.

FIL had a very well paid job and is a very wealthy man, not only with a large amount of savings but also several large houses in the Home Counties.

FIL is in his 70s and has previously been fit and healthy but in recent years has been in and out of hospital for various operations and ill health, including a heart operation. DBIL has said that FIL is sorting out his will etc but has advised that he doesn’t know any of the details.

This has put DH into turmoil. He says he wants nothing to do with FIL and that any money of his that could be left to him is ‘dirty money’. He said he would turn down anything offered to him as a result of the will in favour of his brother.

AIBU here in to counsel him against this? Not because DBIL doesn’t deserve this money (he’s great and we all are close) but because to turn it down would show that his FIL has won overall? In my view, I wouldn’t care if he accepted it and then donated it all to the Dublin home for bewildered greyhounds because it would at least be benefitting someone! Money doesn’t just land in your lap and I want him to make the right choice. How do I get him to see that he could do something positive with this money? Or should I just keep my nose out and let him do whatever?

WWYD?

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 14/06/2019 13:52

'Cutting ones nose to spite ones face'

There is an assumption here DH will be included in the will. TBH Until FIL dies theres nothing to be done, FIL can make a will as he sees fit. So until he dies, no point worrying about it.

I have no morals or scruples, I'd take the money and enjoy it, knowing the old bugger was stone cold , 6 foot under and I was having a much nice comfortable life, thanks.

ChicCroissant · 14/06/2019 13:55

I'd keep right out of that one, OP.

Pipandmum · 14/06/2019 13:55

Agree wait and see if he’s even in the will. The old guy may live for years yet. And if he is, let your husband decide.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 14/06/2019 13:55

Why are you even thinking about this?
The man is not dead nor do you even know what his will says.
There is a good chance you oh is not even mentioned in the will so just forget about it and only have the discussion if and when the need arises.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/06/2019 13:56

You are assuming that your DH will be included in the will. Fil may find a way to make your DH feel even worse through the terms of the will. Can your DH get counselling?

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 13:56

@myopinion see, I’m very much in the same camp as you here. I can see so much that could be benefitted by it.

I’ve also tried to get DH to see that he might not be left anything - going in with the attitude, ‘if you’re not left anything then so be it. But if you are then you are cutting off your nose to spite your face’. But he is stressing about it. It’s quite hard to get through to someone who is basically blinded by hate - that is a strong word but it’s entirely appropriate in this case. I think because I’m that one step removed I am able to see the whole situation abit more clearly. Thank you for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 13:59

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff I am thinking about it because DH is stressing over it. He stresses massively about any thing to do with FIL because of past treatment

@nutbrownhare15 he recognised that he did need help with FIL issues and now goes to therapy but some issues, like this one just seem to snowball with him

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 14/06/2019 14:00

@MrsAJCRowley - have you got chidlren? a big inheritance could make so much difference to their futures.

Not that we shall ever find out, my guess is FIL will exclude DH and that in its self will be an emotional crisis. So I think you have to drum it into DH that this isnt a 'problem' that is fixed by worrying about it. Neither is it a problem that cannot be fixed when the time comes. So he might justas well shelve if and wait till the old boy shuffles off, then have a good long think about it.

Kpo58 · 14/06/2019 14:02

Do you have children? Would DH be happier giving it to them so that they can have a house deposit/go to uni?

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:03

@myopinion no children yet; we are ttc and haven’t long had a miscarriage unfortunately. Tbh, I think this is another reason DH is stressing about this - the stress and upset of th MC coming out in a different way.

That’s a good approach to it, thank you

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 14/06/2019 14:03

Then why is you oh stressing?
He has had no contact for 5 years and doesn’t want to inherit.

Just tell your oh that you will back him up whatever he decides if and when the time comes.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:04

@Kpo58 not yet, we are ttc atm. Do you think it would be worth reframing it as something for the children (fingers crossed) rather than something for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:06

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff he started stressing when BIL mentioned that FIL was sorting out a will. It is a problem for dh that has escalated. I just don’t want him to do something that he will regret

OP posts:
Ski4130 · 14/06/2019 14:09

I'm in a similar position op, and have made my peace with 'what will be will be'. I'm not giving it any headspace as actually, ultimately it's not my decsion what my estranged parent chooses to do with their money, and I'd be slightly annoyed if my dh talked/asked/told me what he thought I should do about it. Decisons and discussions about unknown outcomes are pointless.

Leave it, it's not your circus.

countrygirl99 · 14/06/2019 14:11

Do you think worrying about the will may be displacement for stress about the miscarriage ?

StarJumpsandaHalf · 14/06/2019 14:11

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, this is what you should be concentrating on now Flowers

Estranged FIL's health may have taken a downturn and BIL may have mentioned that he's sorting out his affairs, but don't let FIL have this as a weapon to cause upset.

It's all well and good thinking about things in advance if you need to plan, but with something like this you need to be reactive not proactive.

File the topic away marked 'things to worry about when it comes to it' and don't dwell on it or FIL for now.

Kpo58 · 14/06/2019 14:12

I would probably reframe it as for the children's benefit. The (future) children don't need to know how bad your FIL is as they will probably never meet him.

herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 14:13

I wouldn’t accept money from someone I was NC with.

TheABC · 14/06/2019 14:15

What FIL does should not concern DH - they are no-contact. I would proceed with the assumption that the Thundering Cunts Home is going to get everything and stop thinking about it.

You may also want to have a gentle word with BIL - passing on info like that is not something DH needs to hear. Whilst I appreciate DH wants to support his brother, it has left a channel open for FIL to exploit.

swingofthings · 14/06/2019 14:15

FGS, there is nothing to discuss or plan. You FiL will decide what he puts in his will with HIS money. It's not you oh, nor bil and certainly not yours to mentally spend.

Personally I admire you oh. If he wants nothing to do with his dad, why should he care what he does with his health.

FaithFrank · 14/06/2019 14:16

It's dh's unresolved feelings about his father that are the real issue. 'Blinded by hate' is not a good state to be in.

IIWY I would be encouraging him to seek more counselling. Trying to offer advice about an inheritance he may never receive is counterproductive, it will only add to his stress.

ceirrno · 14/06/2019 14:18

I would accept it but not use it myself at all, all in trust to the kids. I wouldn't want to benefit from it, but wouldn't want my kids to lose out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/06/2019 14:19

DH just shouldn’t engage. He may not end up with anything. This might be a ploy to get him back onside. Id just shrug it off and see what happens.

DizzySue · 14/06/2019 14:20

If DH does receive an inheritance I would encourage him to take his time to decide what he wants to do.

Perhaps invest it somewhere untouched while he comes to terms with FIL's death (it is often much harder than we realise when a NC family member dies, the loss of 'what might have been' and the anger and sadness of all the pain caused by this person can all resurface) it could take him quite some time to get over it. He should make permanent decisions as a knee jerk reaction.

You may have DC by then, or shortly after and that could change how he feels about the money.

Using his horrible DF money to do good, and provide a good life for his DC may prove to be therapeutic to him. Giving all the money to DC would (in my mind) be the right thing to do. Or failing that, a charity.

Doing good with a bad mans money is like you are 'giving FIL the finger'

RomanyQueen · 14/06/2019 14:24

He can't refuse to have anything to do with it, the executor will have to make sure of this.
However, once he has it he can do what he likes with it.