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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inheritance from estranged FIL

97 replies

MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 13:48

Hiya, WWYD in this situation. I am tying my brain in knots trying to work out the best thing to do.

My DH has been completely NC with his father (bar one acrimonious phone call) for 5 years now. His father is an incredibly manipulative and toxic individual who had an affair and betrayed MIL (who DH and I both adore) resulting in their divorce and also badly bullied MIL, DH and DBIL. DBIL however, still has contact which DH often has to pick up the pieces from to support his brother.

FIL had a very well paid job and is a very wealthy man, not only with a large amount of savings but also several large houses in the Home Counties.

FIL is in his 70s and has previously been fit and healthy but in recent years has been in and out of hospital for various operations and ill health, including a heart operation. DBIL has said that FIL is sorting out his will etc but has advised that he doesn’t know any of the details.

This has put DH into turmoil. He says he wants nothing to do with FIL and that any money of his that could be left to him is ‘dirty money’. He said he would turn down anything offered to him as a result of the will in favour of his brother.

AIBU here in to counsel him against this? Not because DBIL doesn’t deserve this money (he’s great and we all are close) but because to turn it down would show that his FIL has won overall? In my view, I wouldn’t care if he accepted it and then donated it all to the Dublin home for bewildered greyhounds because it would at least be benefitting someone! Money doesn’t just land in your lap and I want him to make the right choice. How do I get him to see that he could do something positive with this money? Or should I just keep my nose out and let him do whatever?

WWYD?

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 14/06/2019 15:54

I wouldn't take a penny of it tbh. If you go nc with someone you don't take their money either. It seems very grabby otherwise.

myhamster · 14/06/2019 16:05

OP, as others have said, your DH needs to try and ignore this for the moment. If he is named as a beneficiary he can always apply for a Deed of Variation to the will and get the money diverted to somebody else. or, as suggested by PP he could accept it and leave it all to charity.

But I do agree with others, he really needs to get his head round whatever the issue is, rather than worry about money he may or may not get.

katewhinesalot · 14/06/2019 16:15

Put his future children before his dislike for his father and accept the money. If his dad has screwed up his own childhood, he can by default enhance his grandchildrens as karma.

ScreamingLadySutch · 14/06/2019 16:34

He must not verbalise that to DBIL! At all.

However horrible FIL is, DH must try not to take it personally. FIL was never about him. This YouTube from 15 minutes is very good.

He is still his son and deserves his inheritance. FIL will probably play games over this, promising this and that, DH mustn't be drawn. He could leave it all to a charity.

Have NO expectations either way.

Whosorrynow · 14/06/2019 16:36

If I received inheritance from an estranged toxic parent I'd consider it to be compensation
not as if they can jerk you around from beyond the grave now is it!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/06/2019 16:42

If he does inherit anything, he'd be crazy IMO to turn it down. Even if he doesn't want it personaly, it could be invested for your children's future university costs, house deposits, etc. Unless you know you'll easily be able to afford such things, IMO it'd be unfair on any children to deprive them of what could be a great help in future.

As a pp said, it'd be compensation for his former behaviour.

FoxFoxSierra · 14/06/2019 16:42

For all any of you know he could live to 100 and spend all his money on care home fees or he could leave it all to the local cat sanctuary. I would not give it any thought and cross that bridge when/if you get to it

Soontobe60 · 14/06/2019 16:44

OP, as this is causing your DH so much angst, you really need to be on his side. By trying to talk him round it will seem that you're not supporting him. It's all a bit of a moot point at the moment as no one knows the terms of his will, nor will why until he dies!
If the FIL does end up giving half his money to your DH, he may feel differently then, especially if you have your own child by then.

NoSquirrels · 14/06/2019 16:45

What Hopinggreen says ^^ all that.

Also TheABC
proceed with the assumption that the Thundering Cunts Home is going to get everything and stop thinking about it.

Tell DH he needs to put it out if his mind - it is not an issue. Tell BIL to stop discussing their father’s life.

Original poster

MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 16:46

Thanks everyone for your advise

@ScreamingLadySutch thank you for that video, very helpful

OP posts:

Frankola · 14/06/2019 16:47

I'd keep out of it.

To be honest, you don't even know if FIL has included your husband in the will.

If you are NC and have no relationship this may well be a possibility.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 14/06/2019 17:13

I agree with the others saying there's nothing to discuss. What FIL puts in his will is up to him and he might change it again before he dies anyway. If, after he dies, he has left something to DH then DH
can make a decision at that point. You don't have accept a bequest anyway.

Rachelle11 · 14/06/2019 17:14

My biological father is dead, but I have an adoptive "Dad" I will likely inherit from. We have very little contact and he was very abusive. He tells people we are very close though. And I think he legitimately believes we are despite not speaking for around 3 years now... I will likely donate the money somewhere. I'm not worried about it. I don't want it but it will be put to good use. I don't think either of you should be stressing about this right now.

IAmDetermined · 14/06/2019 17:24

Why is he allowing himself to get stressed over something that might take years to happen? Why does it matter if he is left the money? He can either transfer it to his brother or keep it. It doesn't have to be a big thing.

I say this as a woman married to a man who has been NC with his mother for 8years now. We have discussed inheritances in the past and both agree that if he is left none then fair enough and what we would expect. If he is left it then we would keep it as bloody compensation for her years of shit. If his sisters kicked off, we would give it to them. Basically whatever causes us the least stress. No big deal. Your husband needs to work on his feelings around this really, he needs to be at peace.

Lizzie48 · 14/06/2019 17:56

I'm just costing up nursing homes for my df. Prices start from about £1,000/week. I wouldn't worry about wills and inheritance just yet.

Now that is true. It really is pointless your DH getting stressed about this. The important thing is encouraging your DH to get therapy so that something like this doesn't lead to him feeling stressed to this extent.

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2019 20:41

You said your DH has a therapist - I would strongly encourage him to spend as many sessions as he needs from here on working through this issue and coming to terms with stopping contact with his dad. Then he'll be able to deal with whatever happens, whenever it happens.

Flev · 14/06/2019 20:57

My mum was estranged from her father, who had been violent to her mother, although my aunt and uncle (her siblings) remained in some form of contact. She did not want his money, but her siblings persuaded her it would be less complex for her to accept it and give it to me and my brother - if she refused it and it went to them, they would have given it to us, but it would have been a more complex process. It allowed both of us to put down a house deposit, which we were very grateful for.

Sn0tnose · 14/06/2019 21:23

I was estranged from my father and was specifically excluded from his will (yep, that was a kick in the teeth considering I didn’t even want his money!) but my brother received a reasonable chunk of money which he offered to share with me. The thought of taking a penny of his money made me feel so wrong. I don’t think I would have ever slept easily again if I’d accepted it and I certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed whatever I’d spent it it on. My DH didn’t offer his opinion until I asked for it and when he did, he told me that it had to be whatever I was comfortable with and that he’d support whatever decision I made.

For me, that was the perfect response and made it a lot easier for me to make the right decision for me and my conscience, without worrying whether he was going to resent me for not taking money which would have allowed us some luxuries we couldn’t have afforded otherwise. I think I would have looked at him differently if he’d tried to convince me to take it.

LakieLady · 14/06/2019 21:34

suggest to dh to spend any inheritance (if he gets any) on something his father would have hated

I was going to suggest something along those lines, like donate it to a charitable cause that FIL would really disapprove of! Especially if it was so much money that he could endow a building and name it after his father.

NauseousMum · 14/06/2019 21:43

Forget about it until FIL dies. Your dh might not inherit. If both brothers do then I'd be tempted to use some to spoil MIL. A big fuck you to her bully.

julensaor · 14/06/2019 23:40

As @IHateUncleJamie said
I used to feel like this but in the extremely unlikely event my sainted “mother” does leave me anything (won’t happen) I would accept it as money owed for all the decades of abuse and shit she’s put me through. I’d use some to pay for therapy and medical bills and give the rest to my dd for her future

But I think the current crisis comes from your DH trying to protect himself. If your FIL is as bad a person as you describe then the logical follow through is he is going to leave him nothing in the will and so your DH is pre-empting this situation by saying he wouldn't accept anyway. In reality if he does leave him something of course he should take it. So best to accept what he is saying for now and leave it alone.

Rock4please · 15/06/2019 07:22

Why is he worrying about a situation that probably won’t arise?

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