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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance from estranged FIL

97 replies

MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 13:48

Hiya, WWYD in this situation. I am tying my brain in knots trying to work out the best thing to do.

My DH has been completely NC with his father (bar one acrimonious phone call) for 5 years now. His father is an incredibly manipulative and toxic individual who had an affair and betrayed MIL (who DH and I both adore) resulting in their divorce and also badly bullied MIL, DH and DBIL. DBIL however, still has contact which DH often has to pick up the pieces from to support his brother.

FIL had a very well paid job and is a very wealthy man, not only with a large amount of savings but also several large houses in the Home Counties.

FIL is in his 70s and has previously been fit and healthy but in recent years has been in and out of hospital for various operations and ill health, including a heart operation. DBIL has said that FIL is sorting out his will etc but has advised that he doesn’t know any of the details.

This has put DH into turmoil. He says he wants nothing to do with FIL and that any money of his that could be left to him is ‘dirty money’. He said he would turn down anything offered to him as a result of the will in favour of his brother.

AIBU here in to counsel him against this? Not because DBIL doesn’t deserve this money (he’s great and we all are close) but because to turn it down would show that his FIL has won overall? In my view, I wouldn’t care if he accepted it and then donated it all to the Dublin home for bewildered greyhounds because it would at least be benefitting someone! Money doesn’t just land in your lap and I want him to make the right choice. How do I get him to see that he could do something positive with this money? Or should I just keep my nose out and let him do whatever?

WWYD?

OP posts:
Sparklybanana · 14/06/2019 14:24

I expect he’s actually trying to protect himself somewhat from the pain of being left out of the will. If he ‘never wanted anything’ then maybe it won’t be so bad that his father doesn’t care. It will be the final insult from his dad

Of course if he does receive some money then it’s not dirty money but money owed from not having a father figure for so long. If he really doesn’t want it, and quite frankly he’d be a fool to say no because it’s not going to affect his father one way or another whether he spends it or sends it to the moon, then donate it to something his father disagrees with.

Or just keep the money and improve your lives or send your future kids to uni, or buy them a house. Don’t let him be stubborn.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:27

@countrygirl99 honestly I feel like it is. He didn’t stress half as much before the MC. I don’t want it to overwhelm him.

@dizzysue that’s great advise, thank you. I think DH would love the idea of giving him the finger by doing good.

@TheABC the thundering cunts home has just tickled me no end! 😂 great idea though to speak to BIL. I genuinely don’t think he realised the can of worms he opened accidentally!

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 14/06/2019 14:28

Goodness me, I'm not rich enough to turn down a sizeable inheritance in moral grounds. I'd expect my husband to suck it up and accept it and then spend it on us :)

Seriously, keep out and if he gets the money then enjoy it. But tell him it's ridiculous to actively reject it. Money is money wherever it's from and his dad sounds a dick regardless!

mumwon · 14/06/2019 14:28

suggest to dh to spend any inheritance (if he gets any) on something his father would have hated

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:29

@FaithFrank thank you. I will encourage him to see if he can chat to someone specifically about this. You are right, being blinded by hate helps no one

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 14:29

You can refuse a bequest.

Tavannach · 14/06/2019 14:29

DBIL has said that FIL is sorting out his will etc but has advised that he doesn’t know any of the details.

I would take this to mean that it's your DH's last chance to reconcile with his father.

IHateUncleJamie · 14/06/2019 14:30

I wouldn’t accept money from someone I was NC with.

I used to feel like this but in the extremely unlikely event my sainted “mother” does leave me anything (won’t happen) I would accept it as money owed for all the decades of abuse and shit she’s put me through. I’d use some to pay for therapy and medical bills and give the rest to my dd for her future.

OP you can bet that whatever your FIL does, he’ll find a way to stick the knife in. Your poor DH - there is literally nothing to be gained from him worrying about what may or may not happen. I’d advise him to expect absolutely nothing and see any inheritance as compensation. Hopefully you will have DC Flowers and he can put any money in trust for them.

Tell him not to give his father any headspace - he doesn’t deserve it.

deste · 14/06/2019 14:31

Can’t he take it and pass it on to his mum, she probably helped him to accumulate his wealth in the first place.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:32

@Sparklybanana that’s a great way to put it, thank you. I’d never thought of it like that as being money owed.

@Desmondo2016 this is the thing, we aren’t rich enough to be sticking to a principle like this either! It’s would genuinely be a case of him cutting off his nose to spite his face

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 14/06/2019 14:32

I used to feel like this but in the extremely unlikely event my sainted “mother” does leave me anything (won’t happen) I would accept it as money owed for all the decades of abuse and shit she’s put me through. I’d use some to pay for therapy and medical bills and give the rest to my dd for her future.

Each to their own. I wouldn’t.

swingofthings · 14/06/2019 14:34

But tell him it's ridiculous to actively reject it
No it isn't at all. It's however greedy to want money from someone you've made a point of pretending doesn't exist any longer.

The best case scenario is that he is totally left out of the will, this way there's be nothing to question and no need to consider the morality of it.

Let's not forget that it is this man's money until the end and his entitlement to do what he wants with it until the end.

contentedsoul · 14/06/2019 14:35

Ah yes, that old chestnut eh!
Feasting upon the dead, so very attractive. if you ask kindly maybe the pathologist will chop out any gold crowns too!!

Greed, the most vile trait of mankind.

My parents are fairly well off, we no longer speak, siblings stay in contact though....in order to get their inheritance, smile to their faces, then bitch behind their backs. Vile, absolutely vile.

Actually it isn't my siblings, but their otherhalves that are holding out….funny old world init!!

Drum2018 · 14/06/2019 14:35

Why are you stressing about it? He may not even be a beneficiary and his father is still very much alive. Why waste time wondering and discussing it now when he may live for years and may not have your Dh named at all.

RomanyQueen he can disclaim any inheritance if he wishes.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:36

@Tavannach that’s what I took it to mean too. DH wasn’t having any of it. Tbh, I think DH suffered more so than DBIL as he was the oldest and he felt he had to protect his mother and little brother. He still tries to do it now. It’s a tough one for him.

@IHateUncleJamie that’s great advise, thank you.

@deste also a brill idea that I don’t think has come to him. Thank you

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 14/06/2019 14:37

If he is included in the will, he is entitled to it by the mere fact that he is his son, but if "dirty money" refers to how the money was originally obtained, that would be a different issue.

Proseccoinamug · 14/06/2019 14:38

I’ve thought about this with a member of my own family. I think he will divide the will equally because he is concerned about appearances.

He is nowhere near as wealthy as your FIL but does own a house. I’m going to pass my share directly to my children and let them benefit.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:39

@Drum2018 He is stressing about it since it was mentioned to him by his brother. I don’t think there is much logic that has gone into the thought process for him to stress!

OP posts:
BeerandBiscuits · 14/06/2019 14:41

I'm surprised your DH is expecting to be left any money.
Why would your FIL leave him anything after being NC, apart from one acrimonious phone call, for so long?

Bluerussian · 14/06/2019 14:42

I'd be quite happy to take any money that was coming to me, regardless of who left it.

Hecateh · 14/06/2019 14:42

Personally I would accept it and put it in trust for kids if I could afford it.
If keeping it not an option I would donate to Woman's Aid - to help women that have been treated badly as he did his family.

Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:43

@Coyoacan it was obtained legitimately by being the person who laid other men off in factories. This is in an area with not much work around. As a result when my DH was growing up and in his 20s, people would hear his surname (quite unusual for the area) and either beat him up or completely isolate him because they associated him with FIL.

@Proseccoinamug I really like this way of reframing it for him. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsAJCrowley · 14/06/2019 14:44

@BeerandBiscuits because he is the type of man who would do things for appearances sake and to be seen to be proper.

@Hecateh a wonderful idea. Thank you

OP posts:
flamingjune123 · 14/06/2019 14:45

I think your dh will be pleasantly surprised then when he's not left anything in his father's will. If my child hadn't talked to me for numerous years I wouldn't consider leaving anything to them. It must be exhausting to be with someone who stresses about something that may never happen and if it does happen it may not be for 30 odd years.

Vilanelle · 14/06/2019 14:45

But what are you suggesting? That your DH starts talking to him again, risking his mental health by being subjected to his Father's shit, all in the name of money?

Stay out OP