Inheritance from estranged FIL

[MrsAJCrowley]

Hiya, WWYD in this situation. I am tying my brain in knots trying to work out the best thing to do.

My DH has been completely NC with his father (bar one acrimonious phone call) for 5 years now. His father is an incredibly manipulative and toxic individual who had an affair and betrayed MIL (who DH and I both adore) resulting in their divorce and also badly bullied MIL, DH and DBIL. DBIL however, still has contact which DH often has to pick up the pieces from to support his brother.

FIL had a very well paid job and is a very wealthy man, not only with a large amount of savings but also several large houses in the Home Counties.

FIL is in his 70s and has previously been fit and healthy but in recent years has been in and out of hospital for various operations and ill health, including a heart operation. DBIL has said that FIL is sorting out his will etc but has advised that he doesn’t know any of the details.

This has put DH into turmoil. He says he wants nothing to do with FIL and that any money of his that could be left to him is ‘dirty money’. He said he would turn down anything offered to him as a result of the will in favour of his brother.

AIBU here in to counsel him against this? Not because DBIL doesn’t deserve this money (he’s great and we all are close) but because to turn it down would show that his FIL has won overall? In my view, I wouldn’t care if he accepted it and then donated it all to the Dublin home for bewildered greyhounds because it would at least be benefitting someone! Money doesn’t just land in your lap and I want him to make the right choice. How do I get him to see that he could do something positive with this money? Or should I just keep my nose out and let him do whatever?

WWYD?

Thank you all for your ideas; they have been really helpful ☺️

I’d give it to MiL and encourage her to go on obscenely expensive cruises with champagne on tap.

@Vilanelle not at all. I want him have peace and stop letting the mere mention of this man send him into a stress ball. I want him to do the right thing for himself. Having never been NC with anyone it is harder for me to understand so I was looking for people who could help me to see this view.

@Alsohuman this is a wonderful idea! She bloody deserves it too

I think maybe put thoughts of inheritance to one side for the moment. Your DH obviously feels bitterness towards his father. It would be better to try and resolve this before his father dies otherwise the bitterness, with added guilt, will probably persist after his father dies. That's not a burden he should carry.

Really, I think you should stop thinking about your FIL’s money and either help your husband to be reconciled to the fact that he and his father will not make things up, or help him to see his way to making things up. The money is none of your business.

@deste idea is best - if DH is left anything, he should give it to his DM who most likely had a hard life being married to this man.

Pointless worrying about this until the toxic FIL kicks the bucket. Then if he does leave something to your OH, then OH has a decision to make about keeping it or not. Also is it possible FIL might be seeking redemption of some kind? Death tends to concentrate the mind the closer one gets to it

@Tavannach agreed with you there, thank you.

@herculepoirot2 this is how this has manifested though, because of money. Otherwise DH barely speaks of FIL at all, so it’s been difficult to help someone when they won’t talk about it. He does have a therapist but that is entirely his business and I do not pry into that

Oh ignore the vipers bleating on about greed. It’s not unusual or unnatural to be giving this thought. And nc situations are complicated and hard to understand when you haven’t been there.

Tell your dh that your dc haven’t benefited from having a loving and involved grandfather so he can pass the money to them and allow their lives to be made easier.

You cannot prevent someone from including you in their will.

You can however refuse a bequest.

I would let your husband proceed under the assumption that he will refuse any bequest that comes his way, though he may well feel differently when the time comes

If the old man does include his son in his will, he might choose to look on that as a measure of remorse.

Time doesn't heal all wounds but it does sometimes leave them less raw.

@dustyparadeground a good thought about seeking redemption, hadn’t thought of that. Definitely think a chat needs to be had with BIL to see the whole picture.

@Proseccoinamug I know! I thought I’d made it quite clear that the NC was the issue not the money. Hey ho, maybe I didn’t! Thank you for your advise though, you’ve been a great help.

@hazell42 thank you, I think it’ll be worth reminding him that any decision is his and is not set in stone. Thanks

Well if he already knows that he would want nothing then surely the only "stress" is deciding what charities would benefit should he be left anything.

He perhaps also needs to stop picking up the pieces for his brother-he doesn't sound strong enough to do that if the mere mention of his father making a will sends him into a tailspin.

Your husband doesn't like his father, doesn't bother with him, doesn't want to receive any inheritance from him but you want him to reconsider because you can I can see so much that could be benefitted by it.

You sound so grabby with no moral compass.

I couldn't take money from someone I didn't like or bothered with but I have principles.

this is how this has manifested though, because of money. Otherwise DH barely speaks of FIL at all, so it’s been difficult to help someone when they won’t talk about it. He does have a therapist but that is entirely his business and I do not pry into that

I don’t get how it has happene “because of money”. Isn’t it the case that all that has happened is that your BIL told your DH that his father was making a will?

Romany Queen is wrong. He can absolutely refuse to accept any money that is left to him should he want to.

I would try to get him to seek some counselling for his feelings of hate. Not in pursuit of reconciliation. But just to find a way to leave the hatred behind.

Then deal with any inheritance if and when it happens.

Gently ask BIL not to discuss it any more.

It’s perfectly clear, AJ, it’s just that some people could start a fight in an empty room!

Do you think it would be worth reframing it as something for the children (fingers crossed) rather than something for him?

Not now, no. There is no point in him starting to think about benefits for the children if ultimately FiL leaves your DH nothing at all, and it might make that all the more difficult for him to cope with. In general, I think asking BiL to keep right off this subject is the first step to take, closely followed by counsellling to help your DH cope with his feelings about his father.

It’s difficult. I am in your DH situation and I go between not wanting a penny when my dad dies and other times thinking I’ll just take it because it could benefit my child for her future.
Part of me feels that taking the inheritance (if there is one) is like having my forgiveness being bought from beyond the grave.

I don’t stress about it though and your DH shouldn’t as at the moment there is a lot of if’s and your DH (like myself) do not know what he will feel like when the time comes. Just because he wouldn’t take it now doesn’t mean he won’t in the long run or that they will still be NC at the time of his death

Also, you have to think about the mental health consequences for your DH if you encouraging him to make plans for money he may never be offered. It will hurt him immensely and all over again if he has been disinherited and he has bought into the idea that he should deign to accept money from his father.

Worry about it

1. When fil dies
2. When he knows the contents of the will

By giving it brain space now your DH is letting his father control him

DH is probably upset at the thought of being left out of the will and claiming he wouldn't want the money anyway to try and make himself feel better.
He needs to come to terms with the fact that he might not be in the will. Hopefully if he isn't, his brother would do the right thing and share the money but you can't rely on that.
Whether he actually accepts money if any is offered is a problem for a later date - possibly years away.

I'm just costing up nursing homes for my df. Prices start from about £1,000/week. I wouldn't worry about wills and inheritance just yet.

This has actually happened to me. I was left more than 100K by a relative with whom I no longer had a relationship. As someone has said upthread, it is difficult not to accept the money because it is the executor's responsibility to make sure you receive it.

I used it to help someone I know in another country who really needed it, I gave some of it to various charities and the rest to my DDs.