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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my dad is having another child?

99 replies

helpamummaout · 14/06/2019 11:01

Just has a call from my dad who drops the bombshell his partner is pregnant, and I haven't stopped crying.
A bit of back story, he is 53, I am 29, him and my mum split when I was a child he's never really been there for me, he has 3 other children where he lives now (and 2 step children), supports them all emotionally/financially ect. I've always been treated different, sometimes I don't even get a birthday card. I have 18 month old twins who he has met twice. I just feel so down, like the only bit of grandad/dad we have is now going to be taken away.
Please tell me I'm not in the wrong

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 14/06/2019 11:17

Maybe a new baby could be just the thing to bring the family closer together?

Original poster

helpamummaout · 14/06/2019 11:20

I highly doubt it. When my mum passed away I thought he would step up and be there a bit more but that didn't happen.

OP posts:

Zebedee88 · 14/06/2019 11:25

I can imagine how you must be feeling. Do you feel that he's going to be more emotionally distant? Like he's going to be more busy with his new family? It sounds like he's not really involved now, I think it would be normal to have a cry about it.

IvanaPee · 14/06/2019 11:27

If he already has children why would this baby take the only bit of dad/grandad away? I don’t get it!

I think at 29 it’s probably a bit U to get upset about a baby arriving since the difference is your needs will be astronomical.

But you can’t help how you feel. So I’m sorry you’re upset.

Tbh though, how much of a dad/grandad did you really have in him? I don’t think the baby will make that much of a difference.

Original poster

helpamummaout · 14/06/2019 11:28

Yes exactly , they live 3.5 hours away and he never has time/money to see us as it is do with a new baby that will be even less so. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

fecketyfeck21 · 14/06/2019 11:28

do you know why he's like this with you ? is there a back story you could share and shed some light on the possible cause ?
sadly some people move on with their lives and become distant as a result, this new pregnancy is another wedge between you and your dad as a dc will take up more of his time pushing you and your dc further into the back ground, i do feel for you it's a rubbish situation to be in.
could you meet up for a coffee or lunch on neutral ground talk to him about how you feel?

Original poster

helpamummaout · 14/06/2019 11:31

Nope no idea. I went into care when I was 10 years old, he already lived 3.5 hours away at that point - still nothing changed.

OP posts:

ConkerGame · 14/06/2019 11:32

OP I get it and I’m very sorry you’re so upset. However, in the nicest possible way, he sounds like he’s always been quite rubbish, so it sounds like it wont be that much of a loss? If anything I just feel sorry for the new baby being brought into the world with a rubbish dad. At least your twins have you

Have a little cry and then celebrate your new half sibling when they arrive. With a bit of luck they will become a nice friend for your twins.

Vilanelle · 14/06/2019 11:35

OP I totally understand how you feel. It's a form of jealousy really.

Personally I have forced myself to accept the fact that my Father is never going to be the Father I yearn for. It is hard but for your own piece of mind you need to try to accept it.

This isn't your fault.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2019 11:41

I went into care when I was 10 years old, he already lived 3.5 hours away at that point

Walk away.

You will find more peace.

He let you go into care. Don't heap more heartache on yourself looking for something that this failure of a father simply doesn't have it in him to give.

Malyshek · 14/06/2019 11:43

Dear OP, sounds to me like your father is not present, regardless of having a new baby or not.

I would stop expecting anything from him. In fact I'd stop making any efforts toward him. If he wants to be part of your life, let him make the effort. Otherwise forget about him and spend your time on people who treat you decently.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 14/06/2019 11:46

You're not unreasonable to feel sad. It probably won't change anything but it just reminds you of how he let you down.

NasiGoreng · 14/06/2019 11:46

I went into care when I was 10 years old

Only a piss poor father would let his DD go into care. Don't waste another second or tear on him. You say you have twins. Do you have a partner? If so, focus all your energies on your lovely little family.

Honestly, you are drinking at an empty well.

PeoniesarePink · 14/06/2019 11:48

Oh lovely, he sounds a waste of time and space.

Just be grateful that your DC won't have the childhood that you did. That's how I cope with my Dad who walked out of my life.

And go NC if you want to. He's done nothing but let you down.

You need to put yourself and your DC first, as he never will.

I get it. And it's shit.

chocolateworshipper · 14/06/2019 11:49

I get it OP My Dad re-married when I was a teen and they talked about having a child together. I was so relieved that they decided against it. I found it quite hard having step-siblings, but if they'd had a child together, I know for sure that I would have felt pushed out.

AyBeeCee10 · 14/06/2019 11:49

I'm so sorry you are upset. Its understandable you feel this way. He has been less than a father than you, but hes went on to have other children and even gc where he has a normal relationship with them. And you have DC and hes treating them like he did you. I would suggest going very low contact or even NC with him. All he does is hurt you, and hes not even a father to you so what value does he had in your life.

MyOpinionIsValid · 14/06/2019 11:49

What were the circumstances round your conception/birth? He was young when you were born and he well may have resentment. What was his relationship like with your mother? Was it her death that created the circumstances you went into care? was he in a position to prevent you going into care?

Nothing is ever simple.

Thing is, you're looking for something that isnt there, in some ways you are tortouring yourself looking for an Utopian ending, and you know its not going to happen.

userxx · 14/06/2019 11:58

I can totally understand why you are upset. I agree with Fizzy.

Lovemusic33 · 14/06/2019 12:05

I agree with Fizzy, walk away. This man allowed you to go into care at the age of ten, he could have stepped up and been a father to you then but he didn’t. He may feel guilty because he didn’t step up, maybe having more children makes him feel better for what he did? Either way it doesn’t make it up to you, he puts no effort in to being a father to you or a grandad to your dc’s.

Kaddm · 14/06/2019 12:06

You’re crying for what should have been, because essentially he’s been a shit father/grandfather and instead of trying to rectify that, he’s just having more children.
I’d go very low contact and not bother with him anymore. It sounds perfect that he loves several hours away.

I think that you probably are still waiting for him to step up. Once you can accept that he won’t, and move on with your life without him, then I think you will feel better.

BendySquintySquidgy · 14/06/2019 12:06

Dearest OP, I'm so sorry this news has hit you so hard... and also for all that you went through as a child. You must be so strong to have come through all of that...

I'm with Fizzy on how to deal with this whole situation. I'm sorry he's never really been there for you, he doesn't deserve your tears/time/effort. I'm wondering if you have you ever had counselling to help you process the things you've been through? I found after the birth of my child that all manner of things came up from my childhood - and kept coming up as the years went by.

As I tried to figure out how to be a mother to my daughter, it showed me just what had been sorely lacking from my upbringing, how dysfunctional it was and how my relationship with my mother is still very unhealthy/bordering on toxic. This may be similar to what you are going through. You would do anything for your wonderful twins, wouldn't you? I'm wondering if your upset is less about there being less time for you and more about you grieving what he didn't give you when you were a child?

I'm sorry but he isn't capable of giving you the love that you know that you deserve. Maybe try and see the new baby as a chance to take a step away from him and be kind to yourself. Talk to someone if you haven't already. It could help you find so much more happiness in your new family if you don't have to carry past hurts and his shortcomings around with you...

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 14/06/2019 12:07

I fully understand why you feel so upset at this news.

I'm so sorry Op, but he sounds as though he was/is a rubbish father to you and a rubbish grandfather to your twins. I think you already know this, but maybe were hoping that he would step up now that you have children, except love, he won't. Any father who would let their child go into care cannot even really call themselves a father, can they? I am very sorry about the loss of your Mum and I completely understand you hoping that you would become closer to your DF, but for any relationship to blossom it takes both parties to want it and I don't think your DF can be bothered, he moved on with his new family years ago.
I don't mean to be hurtful to you by saying all this, but you really deserve better and I think you should start to distant yourself from him so you can protect your emotions. Concentrate on the people in your life who give you postitive emotions and are there for you and in time I hope you feel less hurt. There is nothing wrong with you, you deserve to be loved and I am sure you are by lots of other people in your life - spend time with them instead of him.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/06/2019 12:13

He's your father but he's not your dad. You already get crumbs as it is, a new baby won't make much difference. Cut him out of your life and allow yourself to grieve the dad/life you should have had because you'll never get anything off him apart from more pain

AryaStarkWolf · 14/06/2019 12:15

I think there has to come a point in everyones life where you have to make a decision to only value and give time and energy to those who give it back. I know it's hard to see your dad give so much to your half siblings and not to you or your kids but you have to accept that relationships are a two way street otherwise they're just not worth it and he doesn't deserve you all

IABUQueen · 14/06/2019 12:15

It sounds like you had hope that he will become the dad you want him to be one day and perhaps hoped that your twins will bring out the grandad in him and the new baby on the scene is threatening that image..

I get it Op. you need help accepting your father for who he is

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